Because I have been feeling like a neglected Romantic the whole day. And nothing says it all like how Schubert can.
Have you ever done something so exciting that you can’t think of anything else but focus on the moment? Imagine yourself driving at 220km per hour. Bit hard to concentrate on anything else but staying alive innit. It’s at that moment when you are fully present and living in the now completely. No, am not telling you to lead a life on the edge. Obviously.
But it’s learning how to live in the moment and not in the past or thinking about the future. Just breathe right. Today, I was spent from keeping myself intact and in control*. Until I found this quote which did a remarkable job of soothing my irrational heart.
Breathing in, I calm body and mind.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is the only moment.
-Thich Nhat Hanh
My mate Q says, “If you live in the present moment, there is no you. Only happiness.”
*In case you were interested about my mental anguish, I couldn’t stop thinking today why have the one I love moved on when just two weeks ago, she said she might not be over me. Yet now, she appears to be living her life as though I was no longer significant. Which I suppose in a way, I’m no longer part of it, that’s why.
Midnight… Not a sound from the pavement. Has the moon lost her memory? You know, since she has been around like forever.
“Several mechanisms have been suggested for the Moon’s formation. The formation of the Moon is believed to have occurred 4.527 ± 0.010 billion years ago, about 30–50 million years after the origin of the Solar System.”
I believe that means the moon was around since a really really long time ago.
Anyway according to B who kindly sent me the video of Elaine Paige singing live below, the lyrics gently touches your heart. “The singer, the music, the lyrics is so powerful.” I can’t really disagree. Not after humming the tune the entire day.
Today, I’m in a “how to lose friends and alienate people” sort of mood. Lazy weekends are nice and dandy to have but not when your heart keeps screwing your mind with thoughts of someone whom you shouldn’t even be thinking about. I’ve been sleepy the whole day and I still have a bunch of recordings to transcribe and regurgitate into a legible story. But I haven’t done any work. I want to be like that dude in Fantastic Four and spend my day flying around throwing fireballs. Hell yeah.
Hey there, I’ve got so much left to say. When you sat across from me earlier, I shyly asked if I could have my stuff which had been at your place for the longest time. I scanned your face for a glimmer of reaction and there was none.
I didn’t know what to expect or how you were supposed to react or how I was supposed to feel. But there is no more rage as far as I can tell and my heart isn’t torn apart today. I do secretly hope we’d fall in love all over again though.
Then G woke me up. “Stop being emo.”
Oh it’s what you do to me…
“They say that time heals all wounds but all it’s done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you.” ~ Ezbeth Wilder
6 months 5 days and the distance between us remains.
On a typical day, my mates and I can talk about absolutely anything at work even when we are miles apart from each other. So thank you, Interweb for bringing much joy into our lives. I wish I could show you the full transcript which is even more hilarious but I mustn’t. My mates are very lucky to have me as a friend. But here is the edited version anyway:
Genie: Wow, tickets are expensive.
The Imaginarator: My money and I are not meant to be together for long and I don’t want to be a stray over at country X
Genie: You can just swim over
The Imaginarator: I can’t swim and there might be sharks
On part-time education:
Genie: It’s almost the season for sale
The Imaginarator: Oh, if only degrees have discounts too
On love and life:
The Imaginarator: Yeh it’s been a very tough six months for me so I am just coasting along now.
Genie: Can you not be so vulnerable? Don’t lose Sagittarians’ face. [Yes, the both of us are Sagittarius] Tell me about how bad it can be.
The Imaginarator: I have feelings all right.
Genie: Geez, I thought you were the playeur, not the playee.
The Imaginarator: I’m real soft deep down.
Genie: Don’t be traumatised. It’s alright. You still have a bright future ahead of you
The Imaginarator: Yeh, I don’t see it now. I am walking around like the wounded and it’s not doing me any good.
Genie: Don’t be silly. You should just switch on the lights. Open up your eyes.
On anger issues:
The Imaginarator: How to snap out of it
Genie: Go on long trip!! Travelling alone can be therapeutic.
The Imaginarator: I swear I can really explode sometimes.
Genie: Be calm… Getting angry just makes you older. It’s more worthwhile to get pissed over missing the $10m lottery by just one number than over someone else’s reactions.
So to conclude, maybe I’m the lucky sod, not them.
Today is the day exactly six months after I had broken up with someone and I suppose we should commemorate this occasion of sort. Pathetic, isn’t it? But I know you are dying to find out how we are celebrating this irony.
So here’s how:
This is an open letter which I wrote on 7 March 2009, 4.23pm, the day after I had a long chat with someone and I heard plenty of things that night which crushed me. Yes, I did post a short excerpt of it on 16 March. But I couldn’t post up the whole thing then. Was trying to do the whole “keeping my emotions in check” thingy if you know what I mean. You don’t, and why would you? Unless you’re experiencing a broken heart now. Then hopefully you’d understand.
When you told me last night you didn’t know how to balance between loving me and not giving me the wrong signals that you want me back, a tiny piece of me died inside. Except you were right in front of me and I couldn’t possibly crumble into a mess then.
I should have let you go months ago and I keep telling myself I will be stronger the next day. Still I cling onto the faint hope… Now I just want to snap out of it. I have a whole life ahead of me and if you do not want to be part of it, then I have to move on.
Many people have told me you are simply toying with me and you are bad for me yet I refused to listen because I know we were good together once and we can be good together again. It also doesn’t help when you tell me you still love me and you don’t think you could ever love someone so much again in your life. But you don’t see how it is possible for us to be together again because you still feel terribly hurt inside. It is moments like this that makes me put my head in my hands and cry non-stop.
It is terrifying to see how swiftly things could change between lovers or sometimes even friends. Few months ago, you were crying your eyes out over me while I was in my own private sort of hell, unsure of what to do or say. I fear saying the wrong stuff which would make you hurt more when all I really want was you back in my arms again. Hence, leaving you confused thinking my actions do not tally with what I have said.
I have lost so many people, whom I have loved as much I could have then, over the last few years. When I told you I do not want to lose you, I mean it.
If I don’t say anything to you, it doesn’t mean I am shutting you out. I am just afraid to make you run farther away from me than you already are.
And I have remained broken-hearted since.
Three months later: 15 May 09
I feel kinda daft. Like a sappy love fool, wouldn’t you agree?
Photo: (via Sundance)
I think I am still feeling the hurt from last night. I do apologise for yesterday’s moan though. That was pretty uncalled for, seeing as some of you didn’t deserve the unnecessary rant. Well, let’s just say it was therapeutic and it felt so so good after. And you are due some karma points for listening, I suppose.
But look at how well I handle my emotions today. I did my stuff, concentrate on my work, checked out holiday sites and chatted with my mates online. Whom, I have to say, are absolutely hilarious with their use of silly emoticons. Oh right, where were we? Yes! Now I know very well that I shouldn’t be bothered by anything she does anymore. Believe me, plenty of my mates have told me so. The sad thing is I can’t stop myself. That’s why we have songs.
To make us feel bit better at the end of the day.
Why no one told me so much work? Would all go into tryin’? Oh, but those feelings ain’t this strange. How some things never change. Well, nobody’s perfect. And I knew better. Anywayyy…
I thought about it ’til my head hurt. I thought about it but it only made things worse. So I was wrong. What could I do? I knew all along.
I’m a fool for you…
Here’s the live version if you enjoy bit of atmosphere and shakiness in your tunes. As for the rest of you, here’s some complimentary shots of Beth Ditto along with the quality track:
I’m so sick and tired of telling myself I’m okay with whatever you are doing and the next minute I get all worked up because you did something which seemed innocuous but instincts from my every pore tell me that you are definitely doing it on purpose.
At first, I tell myself you have the right to do whatever you want. After all, there’s nothing I can do if you wish to blatantly avoid me online. I can get mad all I want but I know I can’t question you about it because I have my life to lead and I’m not supposed to be ruffled by whatever silly scheme you have in mind anyway. But the anger I had earlier this evening was so so hard to let go. Do you know what I mean?
Thinking that we have progressed after the talk last week was clearly making me expect more when you are still the same old you. While I have nothing to hide, you were behaving as though you have everything to hide still. So much for being truthful to each other. This agitation is getting on my own nerves but I don’t know where else I can focus my emotions and attention on.
Anyway I’m glad I had mates who helped me keep my head intact. That’s one less outburst from me in this lifetime. “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” –Chinese Proverb