I’m a fool to want you.

I’m a fool to want you, to want a love that can’t be true. Time and time again, I said I’d leave you. Time and time again, I went away. But then would come the time when I would need you. Fortunately, this is not the time.

We had a good chat on Tuesday evening, which finally freed me from my inner demons. We haven’t spoken for almost three weeks and during this time, you passed me a pack of smokes, spent most of your time constantly typing into some foreign-looking messenger chat, texting on your phone and even went on a short trip. Before Tuesday, my days were spent obsessing over who you were talking to online or over the phone and why do you have so many new people to talk to. You can see why I wasn’t functioning well at work. This is probably something that will haunt me over the next few months still. But I’m getting better at not being paranoid.

Once seated, I asked you why did it have to take so long and why only when something traumatic had happened to me before you can finally speak to me. “Are we still friends? If you do treat me as a friend, then let’s be truthful here. Why were you avoiding me?”

You: I was afraid to talk to you. I didn’t know what to say and I was afraid you’d tell me to go away. I thought you were trying to avoid me.

We talked a bit more and you told me what has been going on in your life these days. Then I asked so have you met anyone new. You said no. I asked again, so you haven’t been talking to anyone new at all. Are you sure? You paused. You finally confessed you did met someone who was a friend’s friend in late February to March. I have visualised this moment over and over in my head so many times, always expecting my heart to break all over again. But I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. I simply shrugged.

Considering that I had asked you the very same questions three weeks ago when we had our last dinner and drinks, and you had insisted that there was no one new, I thought I had handled myself well.

You: I thought you meant if I was seeing anyone and I really wasn’t seeing anyone. We only went out in groups and talked but nothing more. It didn’t mean anything to me. That’s why I didn’t say anything. I also didn’t know how you would react. I didn’t know where were we or what I could say and not say. I thought you never wanted to know anything more. That person really didn’t mean anything to me.

Me: What’s wrong with that person? Why didn’t you just went for it?

You: That person showed interest and wanted more. There’s nothing wrong with the person at all. Other than being a psycho and on medication, I don’t do rebounds. But most importantly, I wasn’t interested.

In my head, all I could focus on was why did you only decide to be truthful now after keeping it from me for two months and if the person was perfect in all ways and you agreed, why let the medication stop you. Unless there was more you weren’t telling.

You: It was just different. That person just didn’t make me feel the same way as you did. [Maybe because you didn’t go out on proper dates.] I can feel it. Before we [meaning me and her] were going out, I feel it even when we were just doing our work.

I thanked you for finally being so truthful to me. It felt gratifying. I wasn’t crazy after all. That night, you set me free.

Anyway you can listen to this song featured in the new dreamy commercial ” Train de Nuit” by Coco Chanel here. It was shot in the famous Orient Express train by director Jean Pierre Jeunet, who’s famous for Amelie and Alien 4. And showing some nepotism for his longtime muse, he cast French actress Audrey Tautou to help Madame Coco hawk her famous Chanel No 5. Well there, I just wrote the word “famous” thrice, and now four. I’m on a roll.

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