Today is the day exactly six months after I had broken up with someone and I suppose we should commemorate this occasion of sort. Pathetic, isn’t it? But I know you are dying to find out how we are celebrating this irony.
So here’s how:
This is an open letter which I wrote on 7 March 2009, 4.23pm, the day after I had a long chat with someone and I heard plenty of things that night which crushed me. Yes, I did post a short excerpt of it on 16 March. But I couldn’t post up the whole thing then. Was trying to do the whole “keeping my emotions in check” thingy if you know what I mean. You don’t, and why would you? Unless you’re experiencing a broken heart now. Then hopefully you’d understand.
When you told me last night you didn’t know how to balance between loving me and not giving me the wrong signals that you want me back, a tiny piece of me died inside. Except you were right in front of me and I couldn’t possibly crumble into a mess then.
I should have let you go months ago and I keep telling myself I will be stronger the next day. Still I cling onto the faint hope… Now I just want to snap out of it. I have a whole life ahead of me and if you do not want to be part of it, then I have to move on.
Many people have told me you are simply toying with me and you are bad for me yet I refused to listen because I know we were good together once and we can be good together again. It also doesn’t help when you tell me you still love me and you don’t think you could ever love someone so much again in your life. But you don’t see how it is possible for us to be together again because you still feel terribly hurt inside. It is moments like this that makes me put my head in my hands and cry non-stop.
It is terrifying to see how swiftly things could change between lovers or sometimes even friends. Few months ago, you were crying your eyes out over me while I was in my own private sort of hell, unsure of what to do or say. I fear saying the wrong stuff which would make you hurt more when all I really want was you back in my arms again. Hence, leaving you confused thinking my actions do not tally with what I have said.
I have lost so many people, whom I have loved as much I could have then, over the last few years. When I told you I do not want to lose you, I mean it.
If I don’t say anything to you, it doesn’t mean I am shutting you out. I am just afraid to make you run farther away from me than you already are.
And I have remained broken-hearted since.
Three months later: 15 May 09
I feel kinda daft. Like a sappy love fool, wouldn’t you agree?
Photo: (via Sundance)