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Bob Marley the Relationship Expert

Guess no one was interested in the extraneous details which I had kindly shared about myself in the last post since NO ONE BOTHERED TO CLICK ON IT. So I’ll just go back to moaning about my sad sorry self when I was hesitant about us getting back together. Everyone loves a schadenfraude innit.

On 29 July, you posted this on a micro-social blogging site after we had another long argument about my trust issues and I have kept a note on it ever since.

You may not be her first, her last or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters?

She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that you can break – her heart.

So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyse and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.

– Bob Marley

That’s when you were still trying your hardest to make things work between us and I wasn’t making it easy for you at all. There were other posts along the same line about how badly you want us to work things out again. It all started on 16 July when we agreed to start things over again and that decision instantly made us felt calmer and more settled. Your words but I agree with you completely.

The subsequent weeks were however not as magical as the first time when we got together. Although, I have to say, the last night of that month was pretty amazing. I admit I wasn’t the nicest person to be with the last few weeks. I had severe insecurity issues which overwhelmed you at times. I tried to stop myself but my fear drove me to keep questioning and questioning you. Relentlessly.

Until you finally exploded on 6 August. I’m still waiting for the dust to settle.

I miss you.

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Bob Marley the Relationship Expert

Guess no one was interested in the extraneous details which I had kindly shared about myself in the last post since NO ONE BOTHERED TO CLICK ON IT. So I’ll just go back to moaning about my sad sorry self when I was hesitant about us getting back together. Everyone loves a schadenfraude innit.

On 29 July, you posted this on a micro-social blogging site after we had another long argument about my trust issues and I have kept a note on it ever since.

You may not be her first, her last or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters?

She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that you can break – her heart.

So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyse and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.

– Bob Marley

That’s when you were still trying your hardest to make things work between us and I wasn’t making it easy for you at all. There were other posts along the same line about how badly you want us to work things out again. It all started on 16 July when we agreed to start things over again and that decision instantly made us felt calmer and more settled. Your words but I agree with you completely.

The subsequent weeks were however not as magical as the first time when we got together. Although, I have to say, the last night of that month was pretty amazing. I admit I wasn’t the nicest person to be with the last few weeks. I had severe insecurity issues which overwhelmed you at times. I tried to stop myself but my fear drove me to keep questioning and questioning you. Relentlessly.

Until you finally exploded on 6 August. I’m still waiting for the dust to settle.

I miss you.

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Facebook memes are timeless

Because everyone likes to read lists and because I’m many months behind in over sharing extraneous details about myself that everyone, including you and the neighbourhood strays, really want to know and care about. Here is a selected meme I’ve taken off someone who seems to enjoy filling them up and getting rather good at them too. But, boy, are they just brilliant time wasters.

What is your salad dressing of choice? – Balsamic vinegar and occasionally Thousand Island or Caesar.

What is your favourite sit-down restaurant? – Does a bar or wine place count?

What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it? – Rice

What are your pizza toppings of choice? – Black olives, prosciutto ham and arugula salad with tobasco sauce.

What do you like to put on your toast? – Butter and jam with scrambled eggs and bacon on the side.

How many television sets are in your house? – Four and yes, we are TV addicts over here.

What colour of cell phone do you have? – Black

Are you right-handed or left-handed? – It depends but mostly right because my Dad whacked taught me so.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? – Yes. A Cindy Crawford mole which was too gorgeous for me.

What is the last heavy item you lifted? – My suitcase/groceries

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? – Yes.

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you are going to die? – I knew it!

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Gorgeous

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? Only if you multiply that amount by 10.

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? – Two. Bought a white one two months ago to take the load off the black ones.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops? – Few months back, at a road block I think.

Last person you talked to? – My mum

Last person you hugged? – This girl who graduated from SOFA [more on that in later posts]

Season? – Autumn. Think earth colours and the cool breeze.

Holiday? Anywhere that I can be a beach bum. No more city/heritage/cultural travels for the time being.

Day of the week? TGIF!

Month? May

Missing someone? – Yes

Mood? – Sombre

What are you listening to? – Crowded House: Don’t dream it’s over

Watching? – You watching me.

Worrying about? – The future, which I probably shouldn’t because it’s better to live in the moment.

First place you went to this morning? – Back to my bed.

What’s the last movie you saw? – Up, I reckon.

Do you smile often? – When I remember to. It’s often awkward though when little kids cry.

Do you always answer your phone? – When I can feel it vibrating for help.

It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? – Someone who either really needs me or is stalking me.

If you could change your eye color, what would it be? – Gray.

Have you ever had a pet fish? – Yes and I wasn’t allowed to let them fighting fishes fight each other.

Favorite Christmas song? – Something about missing my two front teeth.

What’s on your wish list for your birthday? – I want to spend it with you in a swanky resort, just two of us chilling.

Can you do push ups? – Yes, I can most certainly do the “push”, not sure about the “up”.

Can you do a chin up? – I can point up with my chin, yes.

Does the future make you nervous or excited? – It makes me wee in my pants. What do you reckon?

Do you have any saved texts? – Like those Old Testament scrolls? Or do you mean the hundreds of texts in my phone?

Ever been in a car wreck? – Yes.

Do you have an accent? – No but I enjoy mocking those with fake accents.

What is the last song to make you cry? – Any sappy slow pop ballad that reminds me of you.

Plans tonight? – Snuggle up to my duvet in bed.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? – And then I wake up in my bed.

Name 3 things you bought in the last week – Beer which costs only US$0.50 and food and more beer

Have you ever been given roses? – Yes, but I have given more than what I have received so far.

Current worry? – If I should go to bed without brushing my teeth. Alas, the guilt well instilled by annoying dentists.

Current hate right now? – My inability to start on my work

Met someone who changed your life? – Yes.

How did you bring in the New Year? – With a broken heart and tons of emotional baggage.

What song represents you? – I never like a song enough to let it define me. But I would let you know again.

What were you doing at 12 AM last night? – Fast asleep because I need sleep like a druggie needs coke.

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? – I’m alive!

Fill yours up in the comments below. I want to know random things about you!

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What if I forget your face one day?

I woke up a few days ago from a nightmare and I couldn’t stop panting in the dark. I can’t remember exactly what had scared the crap out of me so much but I know it was vaguely about you and the memory brought tears to my eyes.

In the dream, I woke up thinking I have forgotten your name and we were just strangers walking on the opposite sides of the street, oblivious to one another. The smiles we would give if we had seen each other would be a smile a friendly awkward stranger gives. After years of not seeing each other and barely even in contact either through MSN or email, you became this pixellised image of someone who was once familiar and yet one who was no longer part of my life.

The truth is we have stopped communicating now. The only links I have of you are from the various microblogging posts you occasionally dole out. Not to me though, you now have a tight network of online and real life companions to converse with. I’m just a shadow on the peripheral and I don’t think you even bother to know what I am up to in my life now. I’m still in shock over what led us back to this painful stage.

You stopped using the bookmark I made for you, as a sign of intention that you are ready to finally let go of us. I often wonder if you’ve stopped using the fragrance I gave you as well. I should stop using the stuff you gave me too. But not many people know this, the truth is I am a sentimental fool. I find it harder to let go than most.

Although the pain isn’t as acute as it was 10 months ago, the feeling that there is still something between us isn’t as strong either. It has been 16 days since we had that dreaded talk. I’m relieved yet hesitant at the same time. Like what Q told me, what I had done to you and us was ignite a really really mega huge explosion and now it’s just time to let the dust settle.

This might take a while.

In the meantime, love, I want to feel the curves of your features, cupping your face in my hands, my lips on your forehead, your soft breath on me and your head so close to mine. I want you back in my arms again and this time I understand loving and accepting someone with a past that once omitted you in it, no matter how heartbreaking it can be, takes great responsibility and I need to work at it.

“If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.” ~Oscar Wilde

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The mind that is not baffled

I just came back from a five-day long skin-charring holiday in the much touted kingdom of wonder. It was dusty. It had limited technology. I semi-managed to cope without Internet [although I still expect the phone bill to haunt me once those furtive glances at web browsing through my mobile gets highlighted]. I drank copious amounts of beers. In my defence, it was dirt cheap. Only in the land of Wats, where bottled water, soft drinks and other assorted liquids are priced higher. The truth is water was truly meant for fishes over there. I was meant to consume eight large glasses of beer every day. 🙂
I smoked as much as I drank beer. I ate whenever hunger caught hold of me. Which is often. Money was of no objection. My thirst, hunger and other vices were never better satisfied. Still, I had time to absorb the culture. Well, sort of. Then I came back, turned my laptop on and one click led to another. I was attracted to the poem by Wendell Berry below.
The Real Work by Wendell Berry
It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come our real work,

and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.

The mind that is not baffled is not employed.

The impeded stream is the one that sings.

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I want to ride a bicycle

The first time I heard Queen, I was a heartbroken 19-year old working at an Irish pub. What about you? When was your first time?

So I was recovering from a broken heart. If you must know, it was my first serious relationship. The dramatic 19-year old me thought I’d never pick up the pieces again and I’d never find love and there would never be another perfect one out there for me. You know the drill.

That day, someone put Queen’s greatest hits on and unknowingly my head started bopping along to the tracks, even humming occasionally because the songs were that catchy. Then the opening piano chords of Bohemian Rhapsody came on and without warning, I felt all these goose bumps on my arms. I was hooked.

Things happen for reasons we may never fully understand or even realise. Likewise, a song can stir you till you have tears in your eyes. Or make you smile when the song makes fun of life at over 140 bpm (beats per minute).

You once told me we feel music so strongly because the beats speak to our hearts, the rhythm of our heartbeats would ebb and flow with the rhythm of a musical piece. That was one of the amazing conversations we had during one of the nights at our usual wine place. We connect. That’s why I want us to work things out.

I don’t have this track stored in my work computer so I’m listening to it by repeatedly clicking it on Youtube. Try it.

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Do you believe in love?

I was surfing randomly when I came across this line “There was once a man who didn’t believe in love.” and I just couldn’t stop reading on. Okay, I admit I can be a sucker for such stuff at times. Which is why both the idealist and cynic mini mes enjoy sitting on each side of my shoulders and argue over who has the effing right to rule my mind and heart. Yes, it can get a little annoying at times. But this article from the book “The Mastery of Love – Guide to the Art of Relationship” by Ruiz Don Miguel,  did shut the mini cynical me up for a bit.

On why imbalanced relationships are unhealthy:

The one who has the biggest need is like the drug addict; the one who has a little need is like the provider. The one who has the little need is the one who controls the whole relationship. You can see this dynamic so clearly because usually in every relationship there is one who loves the most and the other who doesn’t love as much.

The drug addict thinks, “What am I going to do if she leaves me?” That fear makes the drug addict very possessive. “That’s mine!” The addict becomes jealous and demanding, because the fear of not having the next dosage. The provider can control and manipulate the one who needs the drug by giving more doses, fewer doses, or no doses at all. The one who has the biggest need completely surrenders and will whatever he can to avoid being abandoned.

What you find is a war of control to see who will manipulate whom. Who will be the provider? And who will have the addiction. You find that a few months later, the respect that they swear to have for each other is gone. You can see the resentment, the emotional poison, how they hurt each other, little by little, and it grows and grows, until they don’t know when the love stops. They stay together because they are afraid to be alone.

The cynics we become after getting our hearts broken:

“We look for love, we open our heart and we become vulnerable, just to find selfishness. That hurts us even if we don’t think we will be hurt. It doesn’t matter how many relationships we have; the same thing happens again and again. Why even search for love any longer?”

Some basic principles of maintaining a healthy relationship:

They respected each other, and they never put each other down. With every step they took together, they were happy. There was no envy or jealousy, there was no control, and there was no possessiveness. The relationship kept growing and growing. They loved to be together, because when they were together, they had a lot of fun. When they were not together, they missed each other.

One day when the man was out of town, he had the weirdest idea. He was thinking, ‘Hmm, maybe what I feel for her is love. But this is so different from what I have ever felt before. It’s not what the poets say it is, it’s not what religion says it is, because I am not responsible for her. I don’t take anything from her; I don’t have the need for her to take care of me; I don’t need to blame her for my difficulties or to take my dramas to her. We have the best time together; we enjoy each other. I respect the way she thinks, the way she feels. She doesn’t embarrass me; she doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t feel jealous when she’s with other people; I don’t feel envy when she is successful. Perhaps love does exist, but it’s not what everyone thinks love is.’

Then shit happens:

He was looking at the stars and he found the most beautiful one, and his love was so big that the star started coming down from the sky and soon that star was in his hands. Then a second miracle happened, and his soul merged with that star. He was intensely happy, and he could hardly wait to go to the woman and put that star in her hands to prove his love for her. As soon as he put the star in her hands, she felt a moment of doubt. This love was overwhelming, and in that moment, the star fell from her hands and broke in a million of little pieces.

Now there is an old man walking around the world swearing that love doesn’t exist. And there is a beautiful old woman at home waiting for a man, shedding a tear for a paradise that once she had in her hands, but for one moment of doubt, she let it go.

And why this is the story about the man who didn’t believe in love?

The star was his happiness, and his mistake was to put his happiness in her hands. Happiness never comes from outside of us. He was happy because of the love coming out of him; she was happy because of the love coming out of her. But as soon as he made her responsible for his happiness, she broke the star because she could not be responsible for his happiness.

No matter how much the woman loved him, she could never make him happy because she could never know what he had in his mind. She could never know what his expectations were, because she could not know his dreams.

If you take your happiness, and put it in someone’s hands, sooner or later, she is going to break it. If you give your happiness to someone else, she can always take it away. Then if happiness can only come from inside of you and is the result of your love, you are responsible for your own happiness. We can never make anyone responsible for our own happiness, but when we go to the church to get married, the first thing we do is exchange rings. We put our star in each other’s hands, expecting that she is going to make you happy, and you are going to make her happy. It doesn’t matter how much you love someone, you are never going to be what that person wants you to be.

That is the mistake most of us make right from the beginning. We base our happiness on our partner and it doesn’t work that way. We make all those promises that we cannot keep, and we set ourselves up to fail.