I woke up a few days ago from a nightmare and I couldn’t stop panting in the dark. I can’t remember exactly what had scared the crap out of me so much but I know it was vaguely about you and the memory brought tears to my eyes.
In the dream, I woke up thinking I have forgotten your name and we were just strangers walking on the opposite sides of the street, oblivious to one another. The smiles we would give if we had seen each other would be a smile a friendly awkward stranger gives. After years of not seeing each other and barely even in contact either through MSN or email, you became this pixellised image of someone who was once familiar and yet one who was no longer part of my life.
The truth is we have stopped communicating now. The only links I have of you are from the various microblogging posts you occasionally dole out. Not to me though, you now have a tight network of online and real life companions to converse with. I’m just a shadow on the peripheral and I don’t think you even bother to know what I am up to in my life now. I’m still in shock over what led us back to this painful stage.
You stopped using the bookmark I made for you, as a sign of intention that you are ready to finally let go of us. I often wonder if you’ve stopped using the fragrance I gave you as well. I should stop using the stuff you gave me too. But not many people know this, the truth is I am a sentimental fool. I find it harder to let go than most.
Although the pain isn’t as acute as it was 10 months ago, the feeling that there is still something between us isn’t as strong either. It has been 16 days since we had that dreaded talk. I’m relieved yet hesitant at the same time. Like what Q told me, what I had done to you and us was ignite a really really mega huge explosion and now it’s just time to let the dust settle.
This might take a while.
In the meantime, love, I want to feel the curves of your features, cupping your face in my hands, my lips on your forehead, your soft breath on me and your head so close to mine. I want you back in my arms again and this time I understand loving and accepting someone with a past that once omitted you in it, no matter how heartbreaking it can be, takes great responsibility and I need to work at it.
“If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.” ~Oscar Wilde