Knocking on my mind’s door

A thought came to me today. It knocked on my mind’s door politely and requested that I let it come in for it has something to tell me. Something which I may have known for a while now but have never let it bubble up to my conscious mind. “You like making her laugh,” it said to me humbly with its newsboy hat in its hands.

It was right. Whenever you laugh at my jokes or even chuckle at something I say unintentionally or do, it makes me smile. At that very moment, it was as though you have just knighted me with your smile and made me Sir of your royal realm – the person whom you have recognised for making your day, for lighting up your entire world, for making you genuinely happy.

I like being the one who makes you smile because it makes me happy. Because when you are happy, I am happy. Because you make me feel like the greatest, cleverest, wittiest person in the whole wide world and that is precious to me.

Unfortunately, I also have the tendency to make you weep. When I realise other people make you laugh too and you find them interesting and perhaps even more, I become insecure and I withdraw myself from stepping into your world further. This would hurt you terribly and yet I couldn’t stop myself, which in the end drove you away.

Now, in the months when we are apart, it still bothers me greatly that I wasn’t the only one making you laugh. I fear that you would grow to love them more than you loved me.

And so, this is something I am trying to change about myself. I tell myself that whatever you do is purely for your happiness, not to mock me and drive me to the land of crazies. It’s especially hard when we are no longer talking and my fear keeps gripping my mind and trying to objectify what has not come to pass.

But now I understand real love is selfless and free from fear. Love is not jealous and only when I give out real love, real love will return to me either from you or your equivalent.

God bless you wherever you are.