Untying my mind’s Gordian knot

Today, I am finding it hard to let go of this Gordian knot which is shaped like you. Unfortunately. It seems like you have told the whole world where you’re off to for your holiday except me. Not that you have any obligation to but it would have been nice, you know. But no…

After what had felt like an eternity, I thought hey I can do this, I can let you go and I can be free. And I did, well … in yesterday’s post at least. At that moment when I pressed “publish” to send the post out, it was a cathartic release for me. But you know, it’s been a long war and the end doesn’t seem to be in sight. Because in this war, the enemy is me and damn, I’m an excellent commander of the rebel forces. No high water or hell fire can stop me.

Still, I fought hard, so hard to quell down my insecurity about you and the new people you meet. Yet it seems you have once again found someone else to share your joy, sorrow, anger and daily life with. This tightening knot is making it hard for me to breathe. I did stop myself from overanalysing the whys, the how, the when but I’m only human. And since you have read till here, why not be nice and continue on. You know you want to.

When you posted on the micro-blogging site on Sunday that you are a proud godma because the baby just took her first step, I was really pleased for you and your family. It made me smile and I wasn’t sure if I should reply. So I just left it. Then within an hour, this person replied, mentioning the baby’s name and the fact that she likes playing with the remote control. The emergency siren in me rang so loud, people ten streets away were screaming, “Shut the fuck up, whiner. People are trying to sleep here.”

Well yes, I was shocked. Wouldn’t you be? Flabbergasted really as to how this person, who seem so random and who you have claimed once that you were acquaintances, knew so much intimate details about your family. But here’s the kicker, you deleted that very same post within 15 minutes of that reply. You obviously have something to hide and that got my undies in a twist.

I told G about it and here’s what she said, “She’s a cunning and manipulative bitch. Forget about her. Stop wasting your time.”

See why I found it so hard to trust you completely when you wanted us to get back together. Even though you insisted that you had nothing going on with anyone, your behaviour doesn’t exactly imbue me with confidence. Which was something I badly needed then. And it’s not that I enjoy objectifying my fears and insecurities. I want to be happy, not worrying about things I have no control over. And before you think I’m nuts, I know what you do or who you talk to or choose to share intimate details with has nothing to do with me anymore. Obviously.

For those of you enjoying this monologue, please feel free to chip in anytime. I wouldn’t want you to feel left out. Go on, say something ANYTHING before I pull the rest of my eyebrows out.

Maybe, if I see you again, I’d congratulate you on the baby taking her first step. Oh, by the way, I know you deleted that post. Just to see your horrified face. HA!

But I mustn’t. I trust that everything in the Universe happens for a reason, and it will benefit me in the long run, even if I CAN’T QUITE SEE THE BENEFITS NOW. Even if I feel like my heart is still breaking into pieces, I want to be kind.

Because loving you means deleting the nasty list of things I want to say to you for not being upfront, for hurting me, for staying away from me and instead just letting you know, have a good vacation.

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