I don’t think you would ever know the extent of my heartbreak because it’s not like you’d ever read this. But yesterday, when I realised you have moved on, my heart literally hurt and I’m never the dramatic sort. The pain I felt then was so acute. My heart felt so strange and tight that I couldn’t breathe. I could feel my hands cramping up and it was all I could do to use all of my inner strength to not cry at work.
My mate Q said to me later that night that my heart had felt something profound upon that realisation so my heart muscles had contracted to protect it. “That’s Love.”
Guess my body was protecting my heart from breaking further and that it loves me and I have to be strong. Q explained the tightness from the muscle contraction occured so it could protect me from feeling more sadness. “It’s a sign to you that it’s hurting and to switch your thought!!”
But I don’t know what to think any more. I know I probably should have let you go a long time ago. Even my mates have told me so. Yet I still harbour hopes of us getting back together. Silly, I know. In my defence, love is blind, or so I would like to think. Feel free to tell me I’m utterly wrong.
I thought ignoring you and blocking you off any social networks would help me heal and move on at a faster pace. Turns out my fingers are itchy buggers and I still couldn’t resist clicking on your updates to see how you are. It’s weird that I don’t reply to any of your updates while there is this person who continuously show care and concern for you. Maybe that’s what you have been seeking. Maybe that’s your way of showing you are moving on. To show you are completely resolute in ending us. And you are ready to start dating new people.
What hurts most is you acknowledge the pet name given to you and you know this person wants to be with you and you aren’t turned off by it, whereas you have classified me under the “psycho ex” category and want nothing to do with me.
Maybe I’m just envious of your ability to look ahead. Or that you have plenty of potential partners who want to sweep you off your feet. Maybe if I have a similar distraction, I wouldn’t have been so bothered. Truth is these are “maybes” and I’m not interested in anyone but you. Which probably doesn’t bode well for my well-being because I keep thinking that if I hover around this potential “maybe”, you might change your mind and one day, reply to my last text to you.
Yet you’ve probably deleted all my texts off your phone whereas I am still hanging on to this misaligned hope. To think I was doing so well together by staying clear from any potential updates from you. But it’s the hardest when you’re back home, alone in your room. The silence just becomes more deafening because you can hear your heart breaking into pieces and there’s nothing you can do but weep. I feel like such a loser really.
I surrender myself completely to the Universe. I let myself free in your arms. Take this burden off me. I trust in you to know and bring me what’s right for me. Help me.