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Smile and the whole world smiles with you

I am not a ball of fun and sunshine all the time, especially if you happen to observe me unaware going about my day. People have told me over the years and even as recent as last week that I look like I’m really pissed about something whenever I look at someone because I don’t smile. As you can quite imagine, then again why would you since you’re not me, I was puzzled. Puzzled to why there are people who can go about their lives without smiling, without being friendly, without having to bother about how people might feel around them and then there’s me.

So yes, those conversations affected me and not for the first time in my life, I told myself to just keep smiling again. At strangers. At friends. At people I know by name or face but not so well. At my family because, admit it, you and I do take them for granted most of the times.

Smiling doesn’t take much effort because it’s supposed to be therapeutic since it relaxes the face muscles, gives everyone a pleasant day, and more importantly, makes you feel good. But it’s not the easiest thing in the world when you look like the whole world’s burden is on your shoulders. Look, there is a point to this rambling. I’m just getting there.

I like to think no one can tell how I feel inside or what goes on in my head because I’m such a great actor. But that’s just plain toss. I’m not even an amateur actor by trade. Yesterday, for instance, I was full of anger. So much so I had angry tears the minute I lost control of myself somewhere in the middle of the day. I had lost my motivation to work somewhere around 9ish in the morning and I failed to curb the negative emotions so I simply spiralled downwards from that moment.

It was hard and ponderous to do the work I was required to do. It was difficult to not project my anger outwards because I could felt my voice wavering. I was this close to bursting into tears. It took every ounce of my self-control to tell myself to chill, breathe and not whine to anyone about what a little bitch life is becoming. I might have snapped at someone accidentally once but overall, I tried to maintain a sense of neutrality even though it’s killing me inside because I never believe in inflicting unnecessary troubles on people. They might have worries of their own so no one would have time to sit down listen to me and not judge me. Besides, it’s never attractive to be all doom and gloom. That’s me in a nutshell. I keep everything to myself and it’s unhealthy for my mental and emotional wellbeing. Trust me, I know.

It’s 5.05am as I’m writing this and I finally woke up bursting into tears, wondering how the hell I can get out of this frankly annoying depressive mode. Some of you might think I am being dramatic but considering how I haven’t judged you for having dark emotional days, it’s best you keep your opinions to yourself because I bet you whine more than I do and you’re still reading this when you could have closed the page.

Good news is I’m figuring out how to get past this stage because I could feel my heart literally tightening up whenever I think about the entire chain of events yesterday. It’s so easy to get yourself down, but so damn fracking hard to pick yourself up. Plus, this might all just be PMS talk so that’s like my free pass to ramble on a bit more. I feel calmer than I was 30 minutes ago. But I still have no desire to work even if I have to.

What can I say? Well, I’m my own counsellor, cheerleader and leading motivator.

Relax, everything is going to be fine. I just need to focus farther ahead on the beautiful life I would have in the near future and not begrudge the things that are currently out of my control. I can only work on myself, stay positive, do the best I can in everything and have faith in that the Universe will fix this for me someway somehow. Thank you and I will do my part and smile. Or maybe even grin 😀

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It has only just begun

I had a great Saturday. I hope you had a great Saturday too. Otherwise you could just read about my Saturday and live your life vicariously through mine because the truth is I had many awesome Saturdays the last few weeks. HA! You’re welcome. Surcharges apply. Obviously.

Now let’s see which Saturday I should start with. How about somewhere in mid last month?

I woke up really excited at 9am on that Saturday because I made a grand long elaborate plan to surprise her since a few days ago and I couldn’t wait to bring it to fruition. Ok wait, I just checked my notes and it said I started planning since 9 May. Woah, am I a good long-term planner or am I a geek. No need to answer that, thanks.

I had a checklist of items which I purchased most of them on Friday since they were either props or food items that I had to keep as fresh as possible. Of course, I replayed the entire scenario in my head and everything went exceedingly well, if I may say so myself. But smugness tends to get kicked by reality. Often in a hard and agonising way. I’ve gotten you hooked now, haven’t I? Can’t wait to laugh your head off, can you?

It was only until that Saturday morning when I realised I forgot to inform someone of the time and place to meet. *facepalm*

See, Internet, I’m never a grand master at the great romantic knock ‘em dead strategy. So I was sweating it out, waiting for her to wake up while anxiously wondering if the weather would remain as fine as it was then. It took me a few (six) hours but I managed to coax someone out of bed and out the door. I was a picture of calm really the entire time I was pacing from my place to the nearby shopping mall and back because I was confident that we would make it in time for another event we were supposed to attend later that evening.

Okay fine, I was hyperventilating between cancelling the – by now, failing – surprise for her and cancelling out on my mates. Plus, I didn’t know who I could call for advice in such short notice. So yes, the world was this close to seeing me self-combust into a ball of flames. The sweltering heat wasn’t helpful to my train of thoughts either—-AHHHHHH!

In future, this blog post is going to be a very useful template for you poor sods out there trying to be romantic.

When she arrived, I swore she looked unhappy even though she bit her lip in denial. Let’s just say proper, and even lengthy, updates from me has been a constant for us ever since. Also, an ice cream does small wonders to the simmering atmosphere.

Then, we finally arrived at the park, no thanks to my poor sense of direction and map-reading skills. I realised I have to go out more often because I was the only one who haven’t been to that park. I was secretly like, oh man, I should have done my research properly or why couldn’t I think of better places to go or WHY DID I EVEN THINK THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA.

Still, there was no time for me to make any last minute changes because I was feeling almost dejected by then. The only thing left for me to do was to go bravely on and hope my awesomeness will take over by instinct and make our day all better again. Yes, when in doubt, be awesome, I always say.

As I unloaded the props – a kite, a reel for the kite, the food, a mysterious heavy bag – out of the car, she looked more cheerful by then. I hope. We found a spot, quiet enough, for the voices in my head to argue among themselves about the items in the bag. We talked, ate our sandwiches and that’s when I ignored the voices and said, “Hey, I brought drinks.” And out came a bottle of dessert wine because she said she likes how it’s sweet when we were at her mate’s house. I was blushing really hard by then because I have practised this in my head and my performance was flawless until I had to do it IRL (In Real Life). She would later describe me as sheepish. She wasn’t far off.

After an eternity had passed, I sheepishly asked, “How’s your sandwich? Would you like to have another snack?” And out came a tub of blueberries because she was thinking about them few days ago. I was dying of embarrassment by then, having not done such stuff in a very long while. There was a box of After Eight mint chocolates too because we talked about it once.

Of course, we didn’t manage to fly the kite eventually because there was a lack of open space. But the view at where we sat was splendid.

At the end of everyday

You guys, the sunset we saw that day made me felt like it has just begun. Do stay on for the journey we are going on because it’s going to be fracking awesome.

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Somebody

Woah, it’s a month since my last post. Well, this must be the longest I’ve been away. You must be wondering why the long lapse. I have no good excuse really. Except… I was bogged down with work. True story. And a week’s vacation sort of came in between my free time for writing and resting. Naturally, I took the liberty of bingeing on whatever free time I could get my hands on by doing absolutely nothing. Surely, you’d understand. Right?

Late last month though, on 27 May to be precise, I had the pleasure of watching this YouTube video my mate sent to me during one of our regular mid-morning Skype chats. And it’s a rare live performance you absolutely have to watch. Goosebumps appear separately.

I never knew the history of this song but it is apparently about the singer Martin L. Gore’s desire to find someone to be his lover and confidant. One particular section which made me smile:

Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out
And won’t easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I remember having a conversation about the song with somebody only a couple weeks before and that conversation was one of those moments that made you pause and think about the things you want in life. We had both professed to liking the song. Someone might have even confessed to tearing up when listening to it. She probably chalked it off as one of our numerous random things we talked about everyday. Me? I just thought it was awesome that both of us might possibly want the same things in life.

Maybe just maybe I would serenade somebody one day with this song. I’m not a poet or a musician by trade so this is the closest I can get to being one. I should start practising now.