I am not a ball of fun and sunshine all the time, especially if you happen to observe me unaware going about my day. People have told me over the years and even as recent as last week that I look like I’m really pissed about something whenever I look at someone because I don’t smile. As you can quite imagine, then again why would you since you’re not me, I was puzzled. Puzzled to why there are people who can go about their lives without smiling, without being friendly, without having to bother about how people might feel around them and then there’s me.
So yes, those conversations affected me and not for the first time in my life, I told myself to just keep smiling again. At strangers. At friends. At people I know by name or face but not so well. At my family because, admit it, you and I do take them for granted most of the times.
Smiling doesn’t take much effort because it’s supposed to be therapeutic since it relaxes the face muscles, gives everyone a pleasant day, and more importantly, makes you feel good. But it’s not the easiest thing in the world when you look like the whole world’s burden is on your shoulders. Look, there is a point to this rambling. I’m just getting there.
I like to think no one can tell how I feel inside or what goes on in my head because I’m such a great actor. But that’s just plain toss. I’m not even an amateur actor by trade. Yesterday, for instance, I was full of anger. So much so I had angry tears the minute I lost control of myself somewhere in the middle of the day. I had lost my motivation to work somewhere around 9ish in the morning and I failed to curb the negative emotions so I simply spiralled downwards from that moment.
It was hard and ponderous to do the work I was required to do. It was difficult to not project my anger outwards because I could felt my voice wavering. I was this close to bursting into tears. It took every ounce of my self-control to tell myself to chill, breathe and not whine to anyone about what a little bitch life is becoming. I might have snapped at someone accidentally once but overall, I tried to maintain a sense of neutrality even though it’s killing me inside because I never believe in inflicting unnecessary troubles on people. They might have worries of their own so no one would have time to sit down listen to me and not judge me. Besides, it’s never attractive to be all doom and gloom. That’s me in a nutshell. I keep everything to myself and it’s unhealthy for my mental and emotional wellbeing. Trust me, I know.
It’s 5.05am as I’m writing this and I finally woke up bursting into tears, wondering how the hell I can get out of this frankly annoying depressive mode. Some of you might think I am being dramatic but considering how I haven’t judged you for having dark emotional days, it’s best you keep your opinions to yourself because I bet you whine more than I do and you’re still reading this when you could have closed the page.
Good news is I’m figuring out how to get past this stage because I could feel my heart literally tightening up whenever I think about the entire chain of events yesterday. It’s so easy to get yourself down, but so damn fracking hard to pick yourself up. Plus, this might all just be PMS talk so that’s like my free pass to ramble on a bit more. I feel calmer than I was 30 minutes ago. But I still have no desire to work even if I have to.
What can I say? Well, I’m my own counsellor, cheerleader and leading motivator.
Relax, everything is going to be fine. I just need to focus farther ahead on the beautiful life I would have in the near future and not begrudge the things that are currently out of my control. I can only work on myself, stay positive, do the best I can in everything and have faith in that the Universe will fix this for me someway somehow. Thank you and I will do my part and smile. Or maybe even grin 😀