The picnic that never was

So, my random surprise.

I have to say it is not working out so far. I planned for a secret picnic lunch today and I have all the ingredients there waiting to be made into something special. The weather was lovely this morning. There were clear blue skies and a slight hint of breeze. I had a trial tasting session with the food first, just to be on the safe side. The food was OK and I was happy with the results. So I waited.

It’s evening now. I will probably pack the picnic food for breakfast/lunch tomorrow. Maybe my hints were too weak. Perhaps I should have said something more but I didn’t want to push any further.

I should be getting ready for dinner now. The restaurant options these days are overwhelming. You start on one dining review and it will lead to you to another review and another because you will always think, “Is this really the best restaurant? Could there be a better one with better service, better ambience and better food? Could anonymous reviewers really know their stuff?”

The answer is maybe if there are more than 100 reviews for a restaurant. Why 100? According to the scientist whose name I can’t remember, the margin of error decreases as the sampling group becomes larger. So if a restaurant gets 1,000 good reviews, it should be good, going by the majority’s consensus.

Except I don’t feel comfortable trusting these anonymous reviewers who must think their opinions are valuable to me. But let’s see. Maybe one of them might just get it right.

Anyway, I found this draft written on 18 September after another incident. The details are a little fuzzy now and I no longer feel as much as I did nine days ago because it seemed like a small matter after my fifth tequila shot. That’s right, baby. I went from “Oh, I’m gutted.” to “Fuck it, let’s drink.”

I am now truly convinced that alcohol is the perfect anaesthesia to numb and silence the annoying thoughts that usually screw your mind. I have yet to find another better formula. But you can try.

Then I ended up staggering home after I threw up all over the hotel bar’s immaculately clean washroom. The toilet looked like a monster exploded all over it and I hope they never find the culprit.

Before that, I was giggling non-stop in a low monotone which kinda freaked everyone out. Evidently, I had to stop giggling after the bartender kept serving me shots. He said to me, “You need to get drunk. Otherwise there is no point to drinking.”

At that point, my head was pounding and I vaguely remember vomiting all over the grass field near my place one hour later. Lucky grass. Getting a great nutritious meal of deep fried snacks and vodka in the middle of the night.

If you’re in a relationship and you still feel alone, then maybe you shouldn’t let them waste any more of your time.

I read that off a Facebook status few days ago and thought, “Omg, that is quite true.”

It was like having cold water splashed across my face. While I don’t expect someone to be there for me all the time, I would prefer not to be an option.

I want to be someone’s priority, instead of a backup where plans involving me could be cancelled to suit your new schedule.

Or at least let me feel that you’re considerate towards me. Give me ample notice. A simple “Hey, I might need to meet some people for dinner because they will die the next day and it’s important to let them see me before they go. Is it ok if we meet after that?”

Or “I need to have dinner with some friends but I won’t take long because I want to see you after that, not because I need to go home to my dog. Maybe we can do something together, if you’re ok spending time with my dog too.”

I’m pretty sure a nice explanation before rescheduling is only polite even if it’s between friends. Obviously, you could say I’m demanding blah blah blah. Piss off because this is about me.

Anyway I’m pleased to share that I no longer feel as much as I would have three weeks ago. This is the new me. Outrageously understanding and calm, I have learned this the hard way. There is no point in wanting to spend as much time as possible with someone if they don’t feel the same way.

Before: I want to spend all my time with you so fucking bad because I think of you all the time and you are important to me.

Now: Well, I like you still but maybe there is no longer a need to think of you all the time or even see you often even though we already hardly do.

You’re better off taking everything with a pinch of salt. Even the “I miss you” texts. Because action speaks louder than words and reality is such that you have to live life with yourself first. No one else should come close.

I have 11 more days to get through to October and I can’t bloody wait.

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