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The orange eye in the sky

It’s the day after Halloween and ironically, my parents’ wedding anniversary and someone must have drugged me because I fell into a deep sleep and I was struggling so hard to wake up. Maybe this is how Sleeping Beauty felt the entire time she was waiting for someone to wake her up. Oh, and I found this unpublished post dated 22 Oct around 2ish am:

So I looked really fancy and well-groomed today. I want to add I smell fabulously delicious too but then again, I always do.

I am SO FREAKING PUMPED UP about the good vibes I am getting and the freedom from deadlines I am enjoying that I am typing as fast as I can now before my thoughts jumble up and escape me.

Some highlights of my awesome day:

Saw a salted egg yolk hanging in the hazy sky this morning on my way to the usual bus stop I walk to for work and smacked my lips, thinking: “Salted egg yolks are delicious.” I then caught myself licking my lips. Which was quite embarrassing because there were other morning commuters walking by.

I am much better looking than that eye in LOTR

Finished my work for the day which means I have the weekend to mull over the week that was. (Usually, this means I will sleep but I have issues to think about.)

Wonderful dinner! There was seafood fried rice (I really love rice), fried pork chop in onions and tomato sauce, deep fried pork cubes and two types of leafy green vegetables. Ok, I am beginning to sense that I am enamoured by fried stuff. Or pork.

Hot lemongrass tea with honey. Seriously. You have to try it. Sweet refreshing awesomeness in one cup. And I had two!

If you can tell me a better way to spend a really late Thursday night than having a great time out with mates at a cozy joint until your eyes are closing but the conversation is too good not to continue and then going home and climbing into a big comfortable bed with damp hair and smelling yummy all over while reading the day’s news, I don’t want to know about it.

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I’m alive

Haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…… No, this isn’t some weird Lolzcat speak for “hi”. This is a really really really long low monotonous DUH sounding sigh that if you were in front of me, the impact would knock you over because it’s still echoing through my mouth.

Which means…… I’M ALIVE! I’M ALIVE!

After sleeping less than four hours the last two days in an awkward sitting position because I dozed off halfway punching out a 2,500-word feature and 800-word column, I thought I wouldn’t survive past the today’s deadline.

My neck and shoulders are creaky but I musn’t complain. Because I can finally move on with the rest of my life. Only the rest of my life consists of putting out three more print editions before this year ends. I wept two nights ago by the way. I had to face the public with my left eye way smaller than the right next day. THE ENTIRE DAY! Oh god, the amount of self consciousness that I had to keep at bay.

I honestly doubt if I can survive this Darth Vader-like “force choke” work pressure by myself because good staff are hard to find these days. After the issues I had with, not one, but two irresponsible young former employees this week, I am mentally scarred. The weirdest thing is when I relate my traumatising experience with bad staff to people I sort of trust, they understood my point of view. I’m very relieved to know I’m not the one who needs a hard knock on the head. Say what you want about fair employment, I am already forming some very discriminating thoughts about what I don’t want to see in the next hire. Bite me.

My goal this weekend is to watch tv, sleep, clean my room, watch more tv, exercise, nap, watch even more tv. Oh and eat! Mustn’t forget about sustenance, especially since I’ve stopped eating regularly the last two months. Silly, I know. I can be overly ambitious at times.

What I learned about myself is I am kinda ok slogging through work and I obviously want to do the best I can but I rather spend my time creating a well-oiled efficient army of minions to carry out my commands. How else am I supposed to rule the world?

Let me interrupt you reading here for a second. I have to say this before I forget. Glee is hilarious! Ok, done.

Well, there are 10 more days before October ends. Sometimes I wish I have someone to call and just talk about what’s really bothering me. Or even share some random interesting and amusing things I see daily without worrying if I am overdoing it. Maybe I think too much because I am secretly idealistic because I have issues about the past because I am just a … Maybe I need to go sleep now. But I’m free from deadlines which means I can sleep properly! At least for the next few days! Yay!

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Absolutely dashing rockstar

I came home feeling dejected with how things are going at work. I genuinely love what I do but staring at the never-ending pile of work I have to do myself and having to force myself to proofread crappy copy is giving me a throbbing headache everyday… oh god, I don’t know how long I can hold onto my sanity for. Even my appetite ran away in disgust.

At this rate, I am doubtful to say I won’t break down any time soon because I am really gripping myself every time I open a word file and the incompetence I see is wearing down my willpower. Fast. Is there another word for “help” because somehow I don’t think the word sends you guys enough urgency about how much angst and fear I am buried under? HELP? Save me? Put on my best devoted face and trust that the skies will part now and angels will descend to shower me with perfumed petals and serenade me with their sweet melodious voices?

Ok, I waited a full minute. If the miracle didn’t happen, it’s only because I lack faith and positivity, right?

What?! It’s only Tuesday. Let me be. October is only halfway done with me before it spits me out like a tasteless rubbery piece of gum. No, seriously. I feel so drained even alcohol wouldn’t be enough to give me that irrational zest of life you get from drinking too much.

So I came home and looked through my old Moleskin diaries to find a life list I wrote four and a half years ago. Instead I found this self portrait sketch I drew when I was bored one day at work and I was feeling pretty awesome about myself that day. Like, what’s new right?

Absolutely dashing.

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i carry your heart with me

I might write for a living but I know nuts about poetry. That doesn’t mean I don’t like it. Once in a while, I do read poems and I love how they make me feel even though I don’t exactly know the prose structure or why some rhyme and some don’t. So I will never attempt to write one.

But I do have a few favourites like Robert Frost, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, T.S. Eliot, and now, e.e. cummings. I know. I am a sucker for love poems. Laugh at me all you want but if you can tell me a better way to express how I feel for this special person than dedicating a beautiful poem to her and quite possibly, climbing into bed with her afterwards, I would love to hear it.

Seriously. Nothing?

Ok, I will just go right ahead and recite this poem to her. I will update you again. That is if she hasn’t laughed to her death at my cheesiness.

Oh, and remember, I might talk about poetry tonight but tomorrow I could blog about really mushy scenes of us kissing.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)