This is what I wrote on 21 November at 5.14pm:
I’m incredibly sad today. And there is nothing I can do about it. Except to tell myself I’d be awesome again.
Which I am. Obviously. But it will take a while.
What happens when someone you think the world of breaks your heart over and over again?
You try to be as understanding and accommodating as you can because this is the person you have invested so much of your feelings with.
It’s 28 November today – exactly a week since I found out about the unpleasant truth.
I have asked her so many questions. I have asked myself even more questions. Every waking moment gives me more time to cause myself even more pain.
More often than not, people are most likely to deceive the person who loves and trust them most. And the person who tends to love and trust these people most tend to think that their lover would never lie to them. Fool.
You see, discovering that someone had not been very honest with you is pretty devastating because the deception destroys trust and it leaves me very vulnerable and tormented. I keep thinking: Why? What did I do wrong? Why didn’t I see this coming? How did this happen to me? I thought I was a good person? What else have you been lying about? I thought we have been through this and you said you’d be honest with me from that day onwards? What about us? Why?
I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. I tried answering them but I wasn’t happy with any of the reasons I came up with. Sadness. Anger. Denial. One by one, the emotions came like waves over me. Then nothing. I become numb. This was much more than the day a bit of me died inside. This was even more wrenching than the “Silent night” (private journal) I wrote on 30 July. No, wait, nothing can be compared to that. It took me months to get over it and now this happens.
What do I do now? As if anything I do would accomplish anything. Perhaps I could laugh at myself for being so naive and foolish. For thinking that you don’t hurt someone you love.
I guess this finally explains the drastic mood swings, unstable emotions, the confusion, the occasional detachment, the endless contradiction, and the displays of affection followed by the lack of endearments.
But the weirdest thing is I actually think I understand the other person’s point of view or what she might be going through.
What I’ve learned so far is it doesn’t pay to be honest and to be the best you can for someone because even if you have been faithful the entire time, you will always be hurt in the end. I mistrust every single thing now. I no longer feel safe now and it is a very frightening feeling because I can feel myself slowly changing. It’s not safe to tell the truth any more. It’s in my best interests to protect myself first. Most probably.
2 Dec 3.43am
Maybe I’d stop harping on everything if you have been honest with me the whole time and instead of thinking you have to hide everything from me because this is not a game. Yes, I think that’s definitely it.