What if I’m right?

I want to be a billionaire… so fucking bad. Ok, I’d be happy being a millionaire even. Or a hundred-thousand-naire. I wouldn’t mind tens of thousands of dollars either.

Today, someone wasn’t sure about me as a prospective partner because it seems I like living my life a day at a time. What load of crock. I have ambitions but I am sure as hell not going to broadcast them to the whole world. Maybe only to you, Internet, because you have been a kind therapist this entire time I have been sobbing my heart out to you.

I am now convinced more than ever I need a vacation away. Or I could list down the 10 things I’d do before I turn 30. That could be my new longish-term goal in life.

My mid-term goal is grooming a good team at work so I can … how do I put this delicately… Shake my legs and have a cup of mojo [milo+coffee] at my desk while I leave the daily grind to them. Sounds awesome, innit! I know right. I can’t wait for that day to come too.

If someone said they love you, would you be happy just knowing they love you, or would it matter to you the reasons why?

After getting the long awaited hint, I asked someone to be my girlfriend in the middle of one night (somewhere before the end of first week of December). I made a touching speech – listing the reasons why that wonderful girl should be mine and what I would do for her because I feel so so much for her. There was a bit of tears.

But in the end, it didn’t matter because … Anyway it was a traumatic night. I have blocked most details of that night out. It was just too heartbreaking to keep in my memory. I wonder if she even remembered what I said.

So I fell in love, a I-had-no-idea-it-could-be-like-this kind of love. I didn’t plan for it but it happened anyway and there were times with her when I was the happiest I had ever been. Suddenly, falling in love and spending time with someone you think the world of was very exciting and it felt so real because it seems that person might actually feel the same way. It was amazing and made me fall even harder in love.

I have kinda always think that any relationship can work as long as both people involved really want it to work, and both of them make staying together one of their topmost priorities. It is scary because you have to trust with everything you’ve got that someone feels the exact same way as you. So if they change their mind, you’re essentially fucked.

Which is basically what happened to me.

It turns out there were so much uncertainties that were brought to my attention that night and I didn’t have the energy to continue dealing with them. Whatever I wanted to say, even if I did, I could still do no right in her mind.

Things should not be this hard. I woke up in the morning and I couldn’t figure out why things were the way they were. Then I very clearly remember turning around in that moment to hold her to sleep and I felt her snuggling back in my arms and you know what, it just felt right.