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Are you loving the pain?

I love putting my iPhone playlist on shuffle mode at times and letting technology play great tunes I may not have listened to yet (even though they have been in there for ages!). And shuffle mode was how I came across this gem on Thursday (27 September 2012) evening. It’s delightful, catchy and pop-ish soothing with simple lyrics and the right amount of ’emo’. The best part is I don’t even remember how it was in my phone in the first place.

So you must really listen to this single ‘New Age’ by British singer Marlon Roudette. I kept playing it on loop that night as I walked home. And I am playing it on loop on YouTube now. Find out why.

Are you loving the pain, loving the pain?
And with every day, every day I try to move on.
Whatever it was, whatever it was, there’s nothing now.
You changed. New Age.

I’m walking away from everything I… had.

P/S: Ooh! I just remember that I was feeling sad that evening and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, so this song was there to cheer me up at the right time. I felt slightly better after that. And I forced myself to get a grip of myself and my emotions, because staying strong and being optimistic are things I have to constantly tell myself to be good at.

Then I realised the solution was easy; all I had to do was walk away from it all. I shouldn’t have to waste my precious time thinking about her and losing myself in the process.

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The third book I wrote for you

Hey, this book is for you. Surprised?

This is the third book I’ve written for you for your birthday for the third year we’ve known each other.

When I told myself I wanted to write books and start a popular series like Harry Potter, I never expect to one day create so many books just for you. The first two books were one of their kind, because no one else has them and they were written specifically for you in mind and meant only for your eyes. The books are a condensed collection of our best and happiest moments together each year. I wonder if you take them out and flip through once in a while.

This third book is the same — filled with memories of this year… Of the things that mean a lot to us…

Remember how you’d sleep over at my place and how you’d tell me you can’t sleep and you want a bedtime story? And how I’d be drowsy and half-asleep, but I would still wake up and tell you a story from my imagination?

I always envision these books would be placed by your bed, so whenever you can’t sleep, they would be your bedtime stories when I’m not sleeping beside you that night. And my dream is that I would give you a book every year as part of our tradition, so that one day you can fill a bookshelf with them.

I never took pictures of the books I made for you, but I’ve always taken immense pride in them, because I spend a lot of effort and time on making them beautiful and tailoring them to a theme for that year. Not sure if you noticed it actually… Well, at least I think they are exquisitely designed, since no one else has ever seen them and you’ve never said they look great! Hahaha!

The books are my way of saying how much I love you and how important you are to me. But it has been difficult passing the third book to you since you’ve always preferred to either reject me or cancel on me at the last minute (even though we had arranged to meet beforehand) or have plans already or be working. I don’t know why. Maybe this book is meant to stay in its bag forever. Maybe it’s ok for you that we haven’t seen each other for almost two months now. Maybe I just care too much.

Goodnight, my love. I hope you’re happy wherever you are.

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I can’t sleep tonight

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It’s 2.52am now and I am lying on Boon Tiong Bed, unable to sleep. My eyes are tired, but my mind is reluctant to stop being so preoccupied with you.

The night feels long and for some reason, an Air Supply song keeps popping in my head. It’s like that episode when Spongebob Squarepants has a song that keeps playing in his mind. Musical doodle?

I feel restless. Maybe it would help if we could spoon like these adorable kitties under a cozy quilt in an air-conditioned room. I promise to let you have all the blanket and maybe baobei too. If I get too cold… I’d just snuggle even closer to you. Ok? ☺

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What I’d give to hold you

And to hold you in my arms, as we spoon and snuggle into each other in bed

I would give anything. Anything.

Wouldn’t it be nice to share our lives, to watch sunrises and sunsets together, to have a swanky apartment of our own, to grow rich together, to celebrate our milestones and birthdays every year, to sleep together every night, to make each other laugh non-stop, to go on long holidays and adventures? You know… just the two of us, hand in hand, being really happy together… For 10, 20, 30 years, for a really really really long time.

Maybe we can even start a business from scratch together, work hard at creating our pride and joy, and have successful careers together, while watching our money grow. Think of all the amazing things we can do together. To have and to hold. What would you give to turn this dream into reality? Anything.

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Love is knowing who’s the boss

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My first thought when I look at this quote was: ‘Is this why I kept giving in to you all the time??’

HAHAHA! I felt very amused, so I took a photo of it when I was at the art museum (I love visiting art museums by the way). Then I remember how you’d always say that I’m bossy one, because I’d make sure we do things the right way like you have to eat proper meals or you shouldn’t rub your eyes or I must tuck you in bed so you can sleep well or you must eat your medicine or you should do this or that in a certain way …

And you’d tell me that I should let you do what you like even if it could be wrong, because it’s your choice and I can’t always ‘micromanage’ everything.

Then I’d tell you I do all these, because I care for you and want the best for you all the time. I’d explain to you cheerfully like: ‘If I don’t love you, I wouldn’t worry about you at all.’ And you’d roll your eyes in a ‘yah, right’ way. And I’d look sheepishly at you. Ha!

Sometimes when you’re in a good mood, you would say that I’m very caring or I’m very ‘motherly’. And I would roll my eyes and look sheepishly at you.

Then recently I realised I occasionally behave like this to almost everyone. Maybe I am a natural worrier and I feel responsible for most people’s well-being. Like that day I saw someone rubbing her eyes with her dirty hands and I insisted and nagged that she should wash them or her eyes would be infected and she might go blind until she relented. Or if I know someone hasn’t eaten, I’d nag non-stop at them to go eat something. Or when my friend lost her mobile phone in a cab and hadn’t done anything to retrieve it, I kept asking her to call the cab company and her phone until she gave in. Yes, I know… Bad habit.

Or how when I have meals with people, I would make sure everyone has enough to eat and would eat lesser so everyone has more. And I would keep telling everyone to take more food. Seriously! What’s wrong with me, right?!

I should really chill and let everyone, including the one I love, do whatever they like in any way they want, even if I think it’s better to do it my way. Haha!

Everyone should have a chance to make their own mistakes and I shouldn’t deprive them of that learning experience. Also, I guess if I don’t like my mum nagging at me all the time, why would other people want me to nag at them?!

So yes, I’m gonna stay cool from now on and let the world be. No one needs to know how caring or responsible or motherly or naggy or bossy I really am.

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The Queen’s corgis

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I met a very adorable corgi last night on my way home. Her name is Piper and she is 11 years old. When I crouched down to pat her, she immediately ‘surrendered’ herself to me. Haha!

Piper snuggled up to me and let me scratched her ears, ruffled her fur and pinched her cheeks. She has the softest, fluffiest and thickest fur ever! She has dark gold coat and even white markings, which made her features look very symmetrical. And her eyes were dark and sparkly. You couldn’t tell that she is in her old age now. In other words, she is a very pretty dog, even though she looks extremely overweight.

Piper’s owner laughed and said her dog must really like me because she hardly does that to anyone. “She usually barks at people and strangers. You must have a very kind heart. Piper is very smart. She only likes people who are nice and good. She can usually tell when someone is not nice.”

I beamed as brightly as like the lamppost nearby. Ha!

Piper trotted even closer to me and lay flat on her side, so I could scratch her belly and sayang her non-stop. And she didn’t even try to bite me, unlike my dog at home. It was such a warm endearing and memorable experience. Hugging her felt like hugging a nice warm thick but short fluffy pillow.

I love meeting Piper so much that I googled about corgis today. The most famous ones belong to the Queen of England, Elizabeth II. They are so cute! Watch the video below!

Now I want to train Milo to do tummy rolls too!

The Queen’s corgis greeted James Bond, played by Daniel Craig, as he arrived at the palace to accept a mission in a video filmed for the curtain-raiser to the London 2012 Olympic Games. Their names are Monty, Willow and Holly. Sadly, Monty passed away over the summer, according to Daily Beast. 😦

Let’s hope Monty is in a good place now. And that I’ll see Piper soon!

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The notebook

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I watched this movie once with someone. I remember it was a weekend afternoon and we were snuggling in bed when we turned on the TV. She told me it was her favourite film, but her sister didn’t like it. I never really understood why until I watched it last night.

I teared when the old couple started slow dancing and professing their love for one another when she regained her memory briefly. And I teared again nearing the ending when the old man climbed in bed with the love of his life and both of them looked prepared to be with each other in life and to leave together in death. It was heartbreaking.

One day, I hope to write a love story as beautiful as this for someone special. Oh, wait… I did wrote something similar… Two books in fact. Heh.

Anyway, here are some quotes that captured my emotions (and quite possibly, the chronological story of our entwined lives?):

“Every great love starts with a great story…”

“Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can’t control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That’s what it was like for me. I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once, and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget a single moment of it.”

“She was my dream. She made me who I am, and holding her in my arms was more natural to me than my own heartbeat. I think about her all the time. Even now, when I’m sitting here, I think about her. There could never have been another.”

“They didn’t agree on much. In fact, they didn’t agree on anything. They fought all the time and challenged each other ever day. But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other.”

“You are the answer to every prayer I’ve offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper, and I don’t know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have.”

“You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together.”

“I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I’ve ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.”

“I’ll be anything you want, just tell me what you want and I’ll be that.”

“I couldn’t sleep last night because I know that it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I’ll be seeing you.”

“The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we’ve lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we’ve found each other. And maybe each time, we’ve been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.”

“When I look at you, I see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. And I know I have spent every life before this on searching for you. Not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. And then, for a reason neither of us understand, we’ve been forced to say goodbye.

 I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and I promise to do all I can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, I know we will see each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we’ve had before.”

“You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.”

“Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants. Stop thinking
about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do you want?”

“Sometimes we need to be apart to understand just how much we truly love each other.”

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day. You and me… every day.”

― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Wherever you are, that’s where my home is.