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Chest pains

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I’m lying alone (at 2.20am) with my head on the phone… Thinking of you till it hurts. No, really, my chest really hurts.

It started at around 9.30am today when I sneezed and I gasped because a sharp pain hit my chest. Before I could figure out what went wrong, I continued sneezing a few more times and I felt the same sharp jab on the middle-right side of my chest after every ‘ahhh choo’.

Soon I had difficulties breathing. And I couldn’t stand straight without my chest aching. My breaths become more shallow and the pain spread out to cover a larger area of my chest. It hurt so much that all I could think was: ‘I’m too young (relatively) to have a heart attack!’

Then an hour later when I didn’t collapse, all I could think was: ‘I’m too young to have acute chest pains!’

Every time I coughed or sneezed today was agony because my chest would flinched inwardly from the sudden flush of pain. So I tried breathing deeply and refrained from exerting too force or strength when doing anything. I still can’t sit or stand straight. I am thinking maybe I slouched too much and my posture the past four days was terrible, so it culminated to the chest pains today. You reckon so?

Then I googled this WebMD site, which quite accurately described my symptoms (see pic above). Which also means my condition appears to be more serious than I thought. Omfg!

It’s more than 17 hours since my chest had hurt and the pain is still here. I can’t stretch or turn my body as it’d hurt.

My verdict? I think I watched too much House MD TV series recently and I’m scaring myself over nothing. Well, if the pain doesn’t go off by next Thursday, then I’d go visit a doctor for some professional advice.

Till then, wish me luck that I remain healthy to celebrate me turning 30.

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Being socially awkward is my specialty

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(I wrote this blog post on 21 September 2011 and decided to add the fourth paragraph and publish it today because I finally found the right pic for it. Haha… Ha! Yes, I even laugh awkwardly.)

I have been told quite frequently that I am socially awkward. That I can somehow appear uncomfortable in almost any situation.

I am so awkward with myself that some people actually laugh at me because they find it amusing to see me uncomfortable. Maybe they find me endearing. I don’t know.

Someone once told me: “You’re just naturally awkward.”

And she always says I have a sheepish look, just like my dog form, who always look sheepish no matter he does. And she would always give me an incredulous ‘Tsk tsk, why like that, huh?’ expression after that. At which point, I would look down at my feet and grin sheepishly, wondering why too.

Maybe being awkward is really my true talent in life?

I should have a reality TV show to track all my awkward behaviours. It’d be terrible but hey, if people can find the Kardashians interesting, surely my awkwardness can find a niche audience somewhere. Plus, I have been told by many I have excellent fashion sense. So I can be an awkward eye candy?

Maybe some of you would be thinking how and why I would describe myself as awkward. The truth is I don’t really know. I just am.

I can wear the best-looking suit and most dashing shoes to work and still look out of place at a posh event. Presentable, but inept at being a fluttering eloquent social butterfly.

Maybe I am too self-conscious because I think I have a horrible thick boorish accent. I sometimes feel that I speak as though I hail from a rural land where English is the third language. It gets worse when I have to address a crowd of corporate people, I feel even more like a country bumpkin in an ill-fitted suit. But with really, really good hair and a winsome smile. Weird, I know.

I also dislike air kisses. A naturally awkward person should never attempt to air kiss under any circumstances. True story.

Which side of the cheek should one aim at first? The left or the right? What if both people decide to air kiss at the same direction at the same time? Awkward…

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Five life lessons from Dr Seuss

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I’m blogging this pic because the quotes are mostly taken from my favourite Dr Seuss book (ever since we read it for someone’s birthday) and there are five of them, which is my favourite number. Ha!

And reading the list of simple truths made me grin a silly happy grin, so I want to share my joy with you. Yes, you.

It’s amazing how Dr Seuss can write stories that appear to be made up of gibberish and yet they are so enlightening. Agree?

I am totally gonna live my life like how Dr Seuss thinks everyone should! Join me!

P/S: This is also one of the fastest blog posts I have ever written.

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My 30th birthday is approaching

Hi there! I created this blog post on 16 October and did a draft, but didn’t feel like it was good enough to be published. So I thought I’d give myself one more month to let my thoughts incubate a bit more before I let you read my inner, deepest, darkest, funniest thoughts. Heh.

I know I don’t update this blog regularly as much as I said I would, but there are just times when I don’t know what to write about or that I know what I want to say but I have difficultly expressing my thoughts eloquently. Irony, I know. So I feel that the wisest thing to do sometimes is not write or talk at all if I have nothing to say or can’t think coherently.

So it’s 16/17 November today (depending on which time zone you’re in). And in around 30 days or so, it’d be my 30th birthday. Which means I’ve revolved around the sun 30 times. Mind-blowing, I know.

It’s also Ludwig van Beethoven’s birthday. He would have been 242 years old. Or may have never been born if his mother had chosen to abort him because she was afraid that he’d be disabled, according to urban myths. Thankfully, she allowed him to live and create some of the best classical compositions I’ve ever listened to.

My favourite compositions are Moonlight Sonata and Fur Elise. Have a listen, if you haven’t already. I remember the emotions that overcame me when I first heard them. It was as though I could feel the pain he went through when he could not be with the girl he had loved dearly and because of the love he felt for her, he wrote and dedicated this sonata for her. Lovely.

AND 16 December was also the day when The Boston Tea Party occurred! Ok, that was not so positive. Moving on…

So apparently if you did a Google search, turning 30 is really a big deal for almost everyone. Seriously, there are about 530,000,000 results online helping you dissect why the number 30 is scary. So you’re not alone. There are millions of people who are freaking out just like what you are doing right now. Not me, I am feeling pretty calm.

But I guess the biggest questions on my mind are: “What have I achieved in the past 30 years? What can I be proud of? What should I do from now? Do I have any regrets? Am I happy? Have I fulfilled my life goals? Am I leading a meaningful life?”

OK, now I get why turning 30 can be depressing.

I had two of the most memorable birthday celebrations when I was 28 and 29 with this girl who I think the world of (nearly half of the blog posts here are written about or for her). I try not to let my mind wonder about how my 30th birthday celebration would be like. It’s better to focus on the present for now. And whatever will be, will be.

But just like the quote above, I hope all the wisdom and inner peace I’ve been seeking my whole life, especially more fervently in the past year, will miraculously appear when I finally hit 30. And stay tuned for my upcoming ’30 for 30′ series of posts in the run-up to my big day. Yay.

[Image via The Creative Paige]

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Lifelong treasure of destiny

Hi, it’s been awhile and I’ve been meaning to post this as soon as I have some free time to pen down my thoughts. Ready?

So I ran home eagerly on Monday, hoping to catch the first episode of the latest season of How I Met Your Mother which was slated to start at 9.30pm, and I’m glad I did. Even though in hindsight, I could have always watched the repeat telecast at 1am. Then again, I might have fallen asleep, most probably with my phone in hand and end up the next morning with weird photos and unknown numbers registered in my phone (yes, it has happened quite a few times).

It wasn’t one of the most brilliantly written episodes in its entire eight-year series, but it did had a scene, which made me tear, but only slightly. And yes, it involves Ted and the meaning of finding your one true love. Yes, yes, I’m a sappy, sentimental, romantic fool.

Klaus: “There is a word in German — lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. And the closest translation would be ‘lifelong treasure of destiny’.

“And Victoria is wünderbar, but she is not my lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. She is my beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand. You know? It means ‘the thing that is almost the thing that you want, but it is not quite’.

“Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously. It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm; filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body, in your hands, in your heart, in your stomach, in your skin… Have you ever felt this way about someone?”

Ted: “Yeah, I think so.”

Klaus: “If you have to think about it, you have not felt it.”

Ted: “And you’re absolutely sure you’ll find that some day?”

Klaus: “Of course. Everyone does eventually. You just never know when or where.”

One day, I’ll find you, my lebenslangerschicksalsschatz, and I know you’d be waiting for me too. 🙂

Here’s the scene on YouTube for the visually inclined:

[Via Tumblr

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The aftermath of Hurricane Sandy

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How did everyone spend the week which had Hurricane Sandy tearing through New York and cause massive power outages along the way?

I spent that week talking to someone I care dearly for nearly every day. She was in New York and I was worried for her safety, her health and if she had enough to eat or if she would be bored or frustrated being trapped in a foreign land and unable to get home. I would find the funniest videos or interesting pics to send her or talk to her about random silly things, so I can take her mind off her situation then.

It’s funny how you spend all your time trying to make someone happy, but end up being miserable yourself because you feel unappreciated.

I suppose one shouldn’t have expectations of any kind, because that would only lead to unwanted thoughts and unanswered questions. It doesn’t matter even if you show care and concern for someone, because that person may not even give a shit about you.

It’s true, you know. If someone really misses you or wants to see you, she would do anything possible to do so. And if she ends up choosing to do something else or meet other people and ignore your messages instead of making time for you, you know that this person is not worthy of your attention. In a way, her actions have answered all your pathetic questions.

Why should I keep pursuing someone who clearly isn’t interested in me anymore and knowingly (or to give the benefit of doubt, unknowingly) cause me pain?

I am sick and tired of having to deal with all the crap and thinking about what I can do to make you happy. It’s time to cut my losses. I am stopping all my emotional investment in you. It’s time for me to see the bigger picture and let go of the pain inside.

You can only love someone this much before you realise that she doesn’t want to have any sort of relationship with you. So grow up and suck it up. It’s no longer love; it’s pain and misery.

I should put myself first and surround myself with people who genuinely want to hang out with me, who enrich my life, who care for me and want me to be happy.

I can spend my whole life trying to get you to see me for who I am and accept me for what I am and love me back, but I have ended up in a never-ending cycle of misery because I couldn’t let go.

I am getting out now and putting myself first. Wish me luck.

P/S: I miss playing Kokology, but I guess I will never get my book back now. The audacity of it really upsets me.

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My heart is with you

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My heart is with you and I love you always, always, always.

Sometimes when the weather gets too chilly and my hands and legs are freezing cold, I wish you were in bed with me so we could snuggle under a thick blanket and I could spoon you and absorb some of your amazingly toasty body heat. Ha!

*Another gorgeous artwork from one of my favourite artists, Tracy Emin, whose work I previously blogged about here.

I’d like to have her artwork in my home someday, along with some Andy Warhol’s pieces. And some retro items I greatly admire ever since I saw them at a dinner party. And a long bookshelf to put all my books in. What about you? 🙂