I wrote this blog post in 2011. Maybe between October and November. But I didn’t publish it then. I forgot why. Maybe I didn’t feel like having the whole world reading my heartbroken thoughts. But it has been over a year and a few months now since I last edited this post on 20 October 2012. I guess I have grown up a little and become a little stronger. And I’m okay letting you read this now (if you still read my blog).
Sometime late in late 2011:
I just spent 17 minutes of my life watching a YouTube video on the stages of a relationship a couple goes through. I had tears in my eyes when I saw what the couple went through. The ups and downs, the highs and the lows. The earlier scenes had me nodding and even smiling at the accuracy depicted when you get to know someone new. As the couple became comfortable and familiar with each other, things started to change. And it is not always for the better.
While I probably will not watch it another time (ok maybe just one more time) because it is so time-consuming, I will just break the stages here so I can recap why it is so important for two people in love to work at staying in love. Otherwise, when one of us stops trying, two people who were once so in love will end up hating each other and forgetting why they fell in love in the first place.
This is from me to you:
When I first met you, you were something special. It was unbelievable how we clicked over the phone even though we haven’t seen each other for the longest time. Whenever your name popped up on my phone screen, I would get butterflies in my stomach. You probably still don’t know this, but I’d smile whenever I saw your messages. Getting to know you all over again was fun, exciting and innocent because I genuinely wanted to know every single thing you had to say. It was nice to share my thoughts with you, regardless of what popped up in my mind. If something happened in gym class, you’d be the first person I texted. If I saw something funny, you’d be the first person I told. If I took a really nice photo, you’d be the first person I sent it to. Even if you weren’t online, I would text you anyway because I was that enthusiastic about sharing every bit of my life with you.
It was amazing how we could spend hours chatting non-stop about everything and nothing in particular. If I didn’t hear from you for a few days, I’d find myself missing you. I remember there was one time, we didn’t speak for two days. And then out of a sudden, I got your messages in the middle of the night when I was at a club. I put aside my drinks, my friends, the loud blasting music and just sat at a corner of the couch to continue talking to you. I don’t know if I had told you this but that night, if I could, I would have dropped everything right then and there to go home so I could talk to you without any distractions.
And you were equally excited to read my replies. You sent me some photos you took during your trip in Australia. You even sent one photo of a few bars of soap at home. We were probably grinning to the screen at that point in time. Our replies to each other were fast and furious. There were just so many things to say even though we hadn’t spoken for two days. It felt like we were the only two people in the world.
All I wanted was just to know more about you – either through your messages, your photos, your Facebook and everything that you were interested in. But I was shy to ask you out. Until you made the first move the very next day. After we continued chatting where we left off the night before, you asked me, “Why haven’t you asked me out?”
One thing led to another and that very evening, we met each other for the very first time. And suffice to say, we had a very good time out.
From then now, all I wanted to do was to hang out with you and do interesting or fun stuff together. You were my number one priority. I would choose to go out with you over my friends. Even when I was with my friends, I would think about you all the time. Seeing you just made me yearn for the next time I’d see you again. In my eyes, you were perfect and there was no one else I want to spend time with or talk to.
It was like the stars for us were aligned. Everything felt right. Even the first time we kissed felt perfect. It was our honeymoon. We could be affectionate with each other without fear. We could do even more silly fun things together. Every moment together was our moment to cherish. We held hands, we hugged, we had random talks over the phone and we had great dates. We were a fun couple. It was a dream come true.
We took many photos together, we knew every single detail of our daily lives, we went on holidays together, we made plans to go out together. When you were away, we would be chatting on Skype and looking at each other on video calls, talking about the soonest possible time we would see each other again. I remember there were a few times, when the minute you arrive at your location, you’d text or log online to talk to me so we will always be in touch. The best part is we will always talk about how much we miss each other and how we can’t wait to see each other soon. And when you arrive home, we will always see each other the next day without fail.
Things were still fun and yet comfortable. We could even have so much fun watching TV and dissing everyone on any show we watched. We’d sleep spooning each other and wake up cuddling. We’d fight over the bolster, but I will always give in to you and in return you’d ‘generously’ let me kiap the bottom part of it so I can spoon you instead. I’d give you the whole blanket and hold your hot body for warmth when I start shivering. You’d fart at random parts of my body and push me away when my hands and feet are too cold. We were truly behaving like ourselves with each other. We might have to wear different masks to face different people in our lives, but when we were together, what we gave each other was our true genuine self.
But there were some aspects of our lives that became slightly challenging even when I thought things were going so well. I found out about the ex-bf issues, which consumed my entire mind from that moment. Maybe I was too foolish to not pick up on the signs. I became unsettled, wondering what I did wrong. I wrote many private blog posts (maybe someday I will publish them) about everything that I couldn’t let go. You probably didn’t know or even understand how much pain, how much heartache, how much tears I had. It was a recurring pain that affected the best part of our honeymoon for a few months. It has thankfully ceased for two months now.
Then slowly things began changing. Messages became infrequent. Replies were even slower or sometimes non-existent. Phone calls were no longer picked up instantly. Photos or updates that were usually first sent to each other were posted on various social networking sites first. Words of affection were no longer said out loud. Even emails were no longer as excitedly received as they once were. There was tension between each other once in a while. When we had bad days, it became worse if we didn’t let go. We became even more sensitive to each other’s actions or words. Then we became desensitised when the other party no longer wanted to give in or make up.
Conversations became fewer or sometimes zero. We stopped going out so often. We stopped sharing the things we were doing when the other person wasn’t around. Making plans to go out involved asking, “Where do you want to go?” “I don’t know. Anywhere.” “I can’t decide.”
When did I stop wanting to do the romantic things I have always wanted to do for you? When did I start censoring my thoughts and the things I wanted to share with you? When did I become so scared of asking you anything? When did I become so afraid of telling you anything? When did I stop sharing every funny thought I had? When did I become so paranoid the times when you were out without me? When did I become afraid of telling you I miss you or even I love you?
Our lives will continue on in different directions. We might become strangers again. Everything we shared will just become fragmented memories. After a long time has passed, we might even question if the relationship did really happen. All we would have left is a box of stuff full of memories of things we did together, but couldn’t quite remember when or why.
For a period of time, you were a stranger who became the most important person in my life. You made me grin (in public all the time) and realise how much I could love someone again. You said once that I made you happy and that your friends told you they had never seen you happier. I guess we were the sun, the rainbow, the world and all the beautiful things in each other’s lives.
I just want to say I’m sorry. Our relationship was important to me. You were important to me. For the longest time, I felt that you were my One and Only. But I didn’t know how to fix us, even though I wanted you back so so much.
I think that if life separates us and we are in totally different places, I’ll always remember this period of time when our paths aligned, and I’ll always be thankful for that. And I hope that wherever you are, you’ll be thankful too.
GWBB, be happy always. XOXO
P/S: Now that it’s 2012, this still feels surreal. I’ve carried you in my heart for so long (even until today) that sometimes I wonder if you could feel what I feel. No wonder, I titled this blog post as ‘Relight our fire’. Listen to the song by Take That again. It’s very apt, don’t you think?