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Good things are going to happen

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I have to believe that, no matter what.

I was watching the movie Crazy Stupid Love in the morning and the scene where Cal was trying to convince his ex-wife that he has always loved her and that he still wants her back really spoke to me.

‘I was trying to move on. But I don’t want to. You’ve always been the only one.’ —Cal Weaver #CrazyStupidLove

Crazy, right?

Can’t believe we are approaching the fourth month of the new year and it still feels like I haven’t done anything important or useful with my life.

This is most likely definitely because I’ve been procrastinating a lot and letting laziness take control of my life. I have a growing pile of work to do and I have been ignoring it, choosing to go out to play or to do other non-essential things instead. Sigh.

So many dreams and so many goals and none completed so far. It’s what someone would say ‘Chuk Jik Kee Chui’ aka ‘all talk but no action’. Hahaha!

My tarot card reading for the coming month is again very optimistic, like my character in general. But none have appeared to come true so far!! Disappointing really. So would the next prediction be accurate? No eye deer!

The pendulum
swings back from the insensitivity in March to heightened awareness,
especially of others. You are aware of the emotional subtleties that lie beneath
the surfaces. You take nothing for granted.

Your wisdom and diplomacy will surprise people and prevent several situations from becoming explosive.
Relationships with subordinates and higher-ups will improve. You receive support and are well-spoken of.

Your intuition is keen; rely on it, and respect any premonitions you may have.

Someone you meet sparks your interest, but you may find that the person is unstable and fragile. You play the role of teacher and counsellor in this relationship.

Your understanding and intuition also offer you the means to heal formerly difficult relationships.

Signs of good things to come? Awwww yeah!

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Think less, do more

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I was going slightly crazy the past few days and was about to hit the panic button to anyone willing to listen. Then I realised it was no longer appropriate to feel any more invested than I already am. Letting go is making sure you keep moving forward.

My friend asked me: ‘Why are you still not over it yet?’

Frankly, I have no answer to that. I don’t think it’s my ego or my self-esteem that is holding on to whatever that is no longer there. I’ve been through the five stages of grief and I am no longer as angry and devastated as I was two years ago. Maybe I am finally moving on to the acceptance stage.

Yes, I have been willing to move on and accept that change is going to happen. But then sometimes memories would flood back without warning and I’d get choked up. And I’d regress and have to start the moving-on process all over again. Because it’s incredibly hard to let go of someone who you think is the other half that fits you completely.

So it’s been really tough, because there are times when I have this genuine fear come rushing all over me like a cold chill and that I would discover new pain to hurt myself with. It’s a constant effort to keep telling myself it’s ok and to forcibly block myself from seeing or reading things that might affect me. Which also explains why I have not logged on to Facebook or other social media sites for prolonged period.

It’s a conscious process to keep telling myself to put ME first and above all else, while controlling my emotions. I’ve been so good at it that this girl, who I used to be really close with, said: ‘The wall around you is so high now that no one will ever be able to tear it down.’

Maybe I am terrified to face the unknown, because I was so certain that you are the one for me and I kept hoping beyond hope that you will finally realise it one day.

How silly of me, right?

It shouldn’t matter if you’re happier or doing better than me or that you’ve moved on and found someone new. We are two different people after all. I can’t stop you from forgetting what we have shared and been through.

I can only stop wasting so much energy thinking about you and devote more time to healing my wounds. I can’t hold on to you or my feelings for you any more.

So yes, I have to think less and do more. Very apt, don’t you think?

We met for a reason. You were either a blessing or a lesson.

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Destined to be with each other

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From the movie Superman Returns when Clark Kent met Lois Lane after news got out that Superman has returned to Earth and the buried feelings Lois had for Superman, the love of her life, came rushing back:

Lois Lane: ‘Can I ask you something? Have you ever met someone and it’s almost like you’re from totally different worlds, but you share such a strong connection that you knew you were destined to be with each other, and then he just takes off, without explaining why or without even saying goodbye?’

Clark Kent: ‘Well, maybe it was hard to say goodbye, because he had to go and … he wanted to say goodbye, but … maybe it was too difficult for him.’

Maybe it’s about time I finally let the pieces go and move on. I’ve carried you in my heart for a long time now and I am never without you, no matter what I do. And it’s the deepest secret no one knows… But me and anyone who reads this blog. Ha!

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All endings are also beginnings

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All endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time.

It’s true, you know. When my last relationship finally ended mid-to-late last year after a on-off struggle, I nearly had a breakdown. I didn’t know if I could go through with the rest of my life feeling what felt like a gaping hole in my heart. I had given so much of myself and wanted us to be together so badly that it nearly drove me to the brink of no return.

I loved, and in a way I still do love, that someone who once meant the world to me. I might never let her go… in my heart. Not that she will ever know this. But I dream of her almost every night… Sometimes good, sometimes bad. And sometimes when I am alone with my thoughts, I would wonder: ‘What if?’

For a long, long time, I miss her and her dog so much that I used his name in my passwords. Maybe I should have told her that the last time I texted her. But for some reason, I kept quiet. Maybe I didn’t want to burden her with my feelings any more. What good would that do us? Someone had to let go. And if she had already done so, I should respect her wishes and let her lead her life happily.

Sometimes I’d ask my friends if it would be okay if I text her when I think of her or send her the things I bought for her, and they would ask me: ‘Why? What for? You guys are over.’

And it hurt, it really hurt, Charlie. I don’t show my innermost self to my friends or anyone, but that choked feeling is not the most pleasant thing in the whole world because it feels like someone stabbed me and forgot to remove the blunt dagger.

Anyway, the gaping hole in my heart is still there, but I’m getting better at coping with it. It has taken a long time, but there have been improvements. I have more control over my emotions now and I can wake up on most days feeling grateful about life. 🙂

After all, every day is a new beginning. So for the new month ahead, here’s my tarot card prediction:

While you may still have a case of the blues in the early days of March, the month soon brings optimism, increased energy and excitement. You are intellectually sharp and imaginative. You feel that anything is possible and that the sky is the limit.

Against the background of self-reflection and soul-searching that’s such a major part of this year is this month’s sense of spring-time in your heart. This is an excellent time to take on new challenges in your career to start new endeavours.

Often, this month brings financial gain, but your attention is more directed
towards intellectual accomplishments. Your pride and self-esteem get a boost.

A more difficult aspect of this month is your relationship with loved ones. You
lack the necessary sensitivity to respond properly to the needs of those close to you. You are under the illusion that everyone feels the way you do; that
problems are only minor impediments that can be taken in stride. However, your optimistic attitude also inspires them and they grudgingly respect you for the way you handle things.

A romantic experience brings passion and excitement either late this month or
early next month.

Exciting times ahead! Wish me luck for my new beginning!