Sometimes we don’t say what we feel

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Not because we don’t want to… But because we don’t know how to.

I asked my friend why it still hurts so bad even after so long and why I still can’t move on, no matter how hard I try. There is a throbbing pain in my chest that I can’t get rid off. It feels like someone stabbed me right in the heart and forgot to take the rusty dagger out.

She sighed and said: “What do you do when you cut your finger?

I would suck the wound, run to wash the cut with cold running water, sterilise it with medicated cream and maybe put a plaster over my finger, I told her.

She said: “What else?”

If it’s a bad cut, sometimes I would keep touching it and maybe let water accidentally seep into the wound or keep opening the plaster to check if the wound is healing, thus worsening the pain in the process.

She said: “So it will take a while for the cut to heal, right? The more you touch it, the longer it takes?”

“Yes……?” I hesitantly answered.

She said: “Isn’t it the same as what you are feeling now? You keep thinking about the past; it’s like touching your cut finger all the time. How do you expect to move on? Of course, you will take longer to be better and to heal.”

There was silence over the phone, as I pondered over it.

My friend was right… Like she always is. (She always has the weirdest but most apt analogies too, but that’s a story for another day.)

It’s been more than a year since we stopped seeing other and I can’t even remember the last time I saw you. Every time I wanted to text you, I stopped myself because I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. Then one question led to another and my indecisiveness made the choice to leave you alone.

So why am I still letting you affect me? Why do I still feel so much pain inside? Why am I so insistent that you are my one true love and that we’d be perfect for each other?

My friends keep telling me to move on and I keep telling them I am trying. But clearly, I am not succeeding. I still get panicky at times when I open my social media accounts, because I fear reading your updates and feeling down after that and letting my mind run wild.

See, how silly and rather pathetic I am. So much for the faith my friends have in me. Haha.

My friend said: “If she’s meant to be yours, if you two are really meant to be together, it doesn’t matter what happens now or what she does. You don’t have to force it or do anything special and she would come back to you. It could be months later or five years down the road and both of you would still find your way back to each other. You have to trust yourself.”

But what if the chance has passed and I didn’t grab it or I didn’t do the best I could? After all, you did return to me once after I thought it was over between us. But things were unstable and maybe the time wasn’t right or I didn’t do enough to hold on to you or nothing I did was good enough for you. I don’t know.

She said: “What you fear most will somehow come true. It’s the law of attraction. The more you think about what you don’t want to happen, the more it will. So why fear it? If I were you, I would just log on and keep looking at everything until I don’t feel anything anymore.”

My friends tell me even though I may not be able to understand it right now, one day I will realise why experiencing this pain would be a blessing in disguise in the end. And there are many things I should be thankful for.

I should be thankful that you kept telling me that you did not want to be with me and you showed your true self by constantly blowing hot and cold towards me, even though you knew I was crazily in love with you. You taught me who you really are and you do not deserve me.

I should be thankful that you haven’t contacted me since I stopped replying. Even if we continued talking, you were unlikely to magically meet my expectations or become a better person.

I am thankful that you ended our relationship so many times when I couldn’t, even though you did it in a horrible ‘escapist’ way. It was a wake-up call for me not to fall in love with someone like you in the future. I can stop lying to myself that you’re a better person because I think you are.

I am thankful that you let your former boyfriend talked you into not accepting me and that you were not completely honest with me all the time, as you kept me waiting around while you make up your mind about what you want in life. After all that begging to get you to reconsider our relationship every time we broke up, I realise now that you couldn’t meet my needs then and that we were incompatible.

I am thankful that you kept telling me “I don’t want a relationship now” or “You’re too good for me” and other similar excuses, because I realise you were right, I am too good for you. And I’m smarter now at recognising the signs of someone with issues. Next time someone tells me the same things as you did, I can run away faster.

I am going to be thankful if you ignore my latest text to you. I won’t want to be sucked back into the vicious painful cycle all over again, because you will never be the perfect person I once thought you were.

I am also going to be thankful if you have moved on. Yeah, it will hurt and it already hurts just thinking about it, but it’s an blaring alarm to warn me to speed up in moving on with my own life.

Finally, I am thankful that you didn’t value me when you had the chance to, because I appreciate my own value better now and I know that no one will ever love you as much as I did or treat you as nice in the way I did.

It really hurts, but in the end I want to be with someone who values me and the relationship enough to want to be in it and not give up every time we hit a road bump.

Well, it’s been enlightening to remind myself what I should be thankful for, because it was just so easy to lose my head and focus on what I think I would lose if I let go of you and the pain I’ve been carrying. In actual fact, I have a lot more to gain if I delete you now.

Ok, I feel soooo much better after saying how I really feel and forcing myself to think about what I should be thankful for in my life.

P/S: If anyone of you reading this are going through a tough time and nursing a broken heart like me… I wish you well and Godspeed in your healing process. Remember you are not alone and there are people who understand what you are going through.

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