“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.” —Dr Seuss
It’s true, you know. Until moments and events become the past, you will never realise how much they had affected or influenced you.
More frequently than ever, especially in the past two weeks, I’ve been mentally kicking myself for letting the love of my life go. She was amazing, gorgeous, intelligent, humorous, with good fashion sense, a perfect body and an ability to whip up amazing meals. She was truly one of a kind and yet I let her go, because I couldn’t see how much she meant to me then.
Ever since then (and I really believe this is a curse she laid upon me after breaking her heart that one last time), I have never been able to trust or love anyone wholeheartedly. While others have loved, lost and found new loves, I’ve been stuck in quicksand but someone had set my drowning in slow-mo. I feel like I’m doomed to repeat my mistakes in relationships. Over and over again. This is one unpleasant Groundhog Day I wish I can wake up from and kick it out of my memory.
Still, there’s this sinking feeling in my heart that I can’t get rid of. I think I’m getting better though. I can’t really say how or why, but my mind is less cluttered. I might not seem to be doing anything important in my life right now… But at least I can feel myself healing emotionally.
It’s consciously telling myself that I will move on, instead of giving myself a hard time about the mistakes I made or things I should have done. It’s learning that I have to forgive myself and let go. There is no point in putting myself in “mental prison” for the past.
Yes, there are days when it’s harder than usual to let go or not dwell over the past… But I keep moving forward, no matter how long or slow it takes me to make that one tiny step. Progress is subjective; commitment to letting go is visceral. Wow, never thought I was such a deep thinker, eh?