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Relight our fire

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I wrote this blog post in 2011. Maybe between October and November. But I didn’t publish it then. I forgot why. Maybe I didn’t feel like having the whole world reading my heartbroken thoughts. But it has been over a year and a few months now since I last edited this post on 20 October 2012. I guess I have grown up a little and become a little stronger. And I’m okay letting you read this now (if you still read my blog).

Sometime late in late 2011:

I just spent 17 minutes of my life watching a YouTube video on the stages of a relationship a couple goes through. I had tears in my eyes when I saw what the couple went through. The ups and downs, the highs and the lows. The earlier scenes had me nodding and even smiling at the accuracy depicted when you get to know someone new. As the couple became comfortable and familiar with each other, things started to change. And it is not always for the better.

While I probably will not watch it another time (ok maybe just one more time) because it is so time-consuming, I will just break the stages here so I can recap why it is so important for two people in love to work at staying in love. Otherwise, when one of us stops trying, two people who were once so in love will end up hating each other and forgetting why they fell in love in the first place.

This is from me to you:

When I first met you, you were something special. It was unbelievable how we clicked over the phone even though we haven’t seen each other for the longest time. Whenever your name popped up on my phone screen, I would get butterflies in my stomach. You probably still don’t know this, but I’d smile whenever I saw your messages. Getting to know you all over again was fun, exciting and innocent because I genuinely wanted to know every single thing you had to say. It was nice to share my thoughts with you, regardless of what popped up in my mind. If something happened in gym class, you’d be the first person I texted. If I saw something funny, you’d be the first person I told. If I took a really nice photo, you’d be the first person I sent it to. Even if you weren’t online, I would text you anyway because I was that enthusiastic about sharing every bit of my life with you.

It was amazing how we could spend hours chatting non-stop about everything and nothing in particular. If I didn’t hear from you for a few days, I’d find myself missing you. I remember there was one time, we didn’t speak for two days. And then out of a sudden, I got your messages in the middle of the night when I was at a club. I put aside my drinks, my friends, the loud blasting music and just sat at a corner of the couch to continue talking to you. I don’t know if I had told you this but that night, if I could, I would have dropped everything right then and there to go home so I could talk to you without any distractions.

And you were equally excited to read my replies. You sent me some photos you took during your trip in Australia. You even sent one photo of a few bars of soap at home. We were probably grinning to the screen at that point in time. Our replies to each other were fast and furious. There were just so many things to say even though we hadn’t spoken for two days. It felt like we were the only two people in the world.

All I wanted was just to know more about you – either through your messages, your photos, your Facebook and everything that you were interested in. But I was shy to ask you out. Until you made the first move the very next day. After we continued chatting where we left off the night before, you asked me, “Why haven’t you asked me out?”

One thing led to another and that very evening, we met each other for the very first time. And suffice to say, we had a very good time out.

From then now, all I wanted to do was to hang out with you and do interesting or fun stuff together. You were my number one priority. I would choose to go out with you over my friends. Even when I was with my friends, I would think about you all the time. Seeing you just made me yearn for the next time I’d see you again. In my eyes, you were perfect and there was no one else I want to spend time with or talk to.

It was like the stars for us were aligned. Everything felt right. Even the first time we kissed felt perfect. It was our honeymoon. We could be affectionate with each other without fear. We could do even more silly fun things together. Every moment together was our moment to cherish. We held hands, we hugged, we had random talks over the phone and we had great dates. We were a fun couple. It was a dream come true.

We took many photos together, we knew every single detail of our daily lives, we went on holidays together, we made plans to go out together. When you were away, we would be chatting on Skype and looking at each other on video calls, talking about the soonest possible time we would see each other again. I remember there were a few times, when the minute you arrive at your location, you’d text or log online to talk to me so we will always be in touch. The best part is we will always talk about how much we miss each other and how we can’t wait to see each other soon. And when you arrive home, we will always see each other the next day without fail.

Things were still fun and yet comfortable. We could even have so much fun watching TV and dissing everyone on any show we watched. We’d sleep spooning each other and wake up cuddling. We’d fight over the bolster, but I will always give in to you and in return you’d ‘generously’ let me kiap the bottom part of it so I can spoon you instead. I’d give you the whole blanket and hold your hot body for warmth when I start shivering. You’d fart at random parts of my body and push me away when my hands and feet are too cold. We were truly behaving like ourselves with each other. We might have to wear different masks to face different people in our lives, but when we were together, what we gave each other was our true genuine self.

But there were some aspects of our lives that became slightly challenging even when I thought things were going so well. I found out about the ex-bf issues, which consumed my entire mind from that moment. Maybe I was too foolish to not pick up on the signs. I became unsettled, wondering what I did wrong. I wrote many private blog posts (maybe someday I will publish them) about everything that I couldn’t let go. You probably didn’t know or even understand how much pain, how much heartache, how much tears I had. It was a recurring pain that affected the best part of our honeymoon for a few months. It has thankfully ceased for two months now.

Then slowly things began changing. Messages became infrequent. Replies were even slower or sometimes non-existent. Phone calls were no longer picked up instantly. Photos or updates that were usually first sent to each other were posted on various social networking sites first. Words of affection were no longer said out loud. Even emails were no longer as excitedly received as they once were. There was tension between each other once in a while. When we had bad days, it became worse if we didn’t let go. We became even more sensitive to each other’s actions or words. Then we became desensitised when the other party no longer wanted to give in or make up.

Conversations became fewer or sometimes zero. We stopped going out so often. We stopped sharing the things we were doing when the other person wasn’t around. Making plans to go out involved asking, “Where do you want to go?” “I don’t know. Anywhere.” “I can’t decide.”

When did I stop wanting to do the romantic things I have always wanted to do for you? When did I start censoring my thoughts and the things I wanted to share with you? When did I become so scared of asking you anything? When did I become so afraid of telling you anything? When did I stop sharing every funny thought I had? When did I become so paranoid the times when you were out without me? When did I become afraid of telling you I miss you or even I love you?

Our lives will continue on in different directions. We might become strangers again. Everything we shared will just become fragmented memories. After a long time has passed, we might even question if the relationship did really happen. All we would have left is a box of stuff full of memories of things we did together, but couldn’t quite remember when or why.

For a period of time, you were a stranger who became the most important person in my life. You made me grin (in public all the time) and realise how much I could love someone again. You said once that I made you happy and that your friends told you they had never seen you happier. I guess we were the sun, the rainbow, the world and all the beautiful things in each other’s lives.

I just want to say I’m sorry. Our relationship was important to me. You were important to me. For the longest time, I felt that you were my One and Only. But I didn’t know how to fix us, even though I wanted you back so so much.

I think that if life separates us and we are in totally different places, I’ll always remember this period of time when our paths aligned, and I’ll always be thankful for that. And I hope that wherever you are, you’ll be thankful too.

GWBB, be happy always. XOXO

P/S: Now that it’s 2012, this still feels surreal. I’ve carried you in my heart for so long (even until today) that sometimes I wonder if you could feel what I feel. No wonder, I titled this blog post as ‘Relight our fire’. Listen to the song by Take That again. It’s very apt, don’t you think?

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Love actually

The beginning of two great days

I first wrote this post shortly after we came back and I updated subsequently several times on 2 and 17 January, 21 February, 4 April, 24 and 31 Dec last year as well as a few times this year. But finally on the fourth anniversary of starting this blog, I thought publishing this post would be rather apt. So here goes.

This pic was taken moments before the ferry set off to our next destination and 15 Dec 2010 was the beginning of two fucking great days.

I couldn’t sleep the night before excited and fearful of what was to come because the past few days had been a torment in more than one way. But really, we didn’t have to worry so much. Things picked up where we left off.

It started with home-made heart shaped pasta for breakfast. We were sitting there waiting for the ferry when she whipped out a tupperware box and said: “Breakfast!”

Now I love surprises a lot because it’s rare that I would be surprised since I would have figured it out beforehand or forced the information out of someone. And trust me, I was trying really hard, almost persistent, to get the info out from her the night before so this was a literally real treat.

The pasta had crab meat in slightly spicy tomato sauce and a little hard-boiled egg at the side. It was 8.55am and I can rave on and on about how delicious the pasta was and how I was grinning non-stop but I really hate to brag, Internet, because there is so much more to come.

We got up the ferry and started snapping photos of ourselves in our sunglasses. I tried to look suave and failed. If you ever saw me, you’d know I belong to the goofy genre, or as what she would always say, I have this general sheepish look all the time.

She was portraying a 60s look, although it could be the camera filter I was using that gave her that classic retro look. I thought she looked amazing. Then again, she always does and she knows how beautiful she is to me even if I would only say it silently in my heart.

Sleep was slightly hard to come by as we were distracted by Ice Age 3, playing on the big television screen. I couldn’t tell you much about the movie now, except it had mammoths and an irritating sloth which was trying to raise three T-Rexes. What I remember is it was nice holding hands, enjoying the cozy moments of her lying on my shoulder with my arm wrapped around her as the ferry gently churns its way across the sea.

When we arrived, we were almost immediately chauffeured to BYT where friendly staff, cold towels and a rather disgusting drink that was touted to be full of health benefits awaited us. After checking in, we were ushered to the spa room where we would be pampered, oiled, scrubbed and massaged for the next two hours. It was paradise on earth and if the world had ended then, I would have died the happiest person in the whole universe because I was with her.

We then retreated to our villa, where we chilled, rested, tumbled around, dined and napped in luxury. When we finally woke up, it was close to last order for dinner and we hurriedly got changed and headed down to a restaurant within BYT. The dinner was okay, because nothing could beat what happened back at our villa. We had champagne in a bucket, the jacuzzi turned on, some entertainment show playing on TV and a cheesecake that she made herself and had my initial on it. She also gave me what was probably a whole year’s supply of presents. I was so dumbfounded and touched and delighted that I couldn’t speak. Maybe she really loved me after all, in spite of what had happened in the past, I remember thinking. And I have never loved her more since then. The next few hours of our night were some of the best sleepless fun we ever had, and also censored from public viewing. Haha.

We woke up the next day to a splendid ocean view. In a half-awake stupor, I turned to look at her. And she looked at me and we smiled. I said: “I can wake up to this view every day. I can live like this forever.”

Because baby, you’re amazing just the way you are.

There’s this kind of love that sneaks up on you and softly taps you on your shoulder when you least expect it and hits you really hard. Every moment seems a little crazy and impossible at first — from the person you are with and how they make you feel to the new things you find yourself doing for them. You’re almost freaked out by the depth of love you feel growing within you and there are times you find your breath taken away or reach new levels of frustration. You might shrug your shoulders and say: ‘Maybe this won’t last at all, let’s just enjoy this for now and see where this takes us.’ But then one day, you realise you want this person more than anything else you have ever wanted in your entire life, because what both of you have is more than love. It’s proof that you fit together perfectly and that you are soulmates and how incredible lucky you are to have found each other out of seven billion people in the whole world. So yes, in spite of everything and even though how the passing of time is supposed to dilute our memories and feelings, I love you still.

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me… everyday.” — Nicholas Sparks

Merry Christmas, everyone! 😀

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Being socially awkward is my specialty

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(I wrote this blog post on 21 September 2011 and decided to add the fourth paragraph and publish it today because I finally found the right pic for it. Haha… Ha! Yes, I even laugh awkwardly.)

I have been told quite frequently that I am socially awkward. That I can somehow appear uncomfortable in almost any situation.

I am so awkward with myself that some people actually laugh at me because they find it amusing to see me uncomfortable. Maybe they find me endearing. I don’t know.

Someone once told me: “You’re just naturally awkward.”

And she always says I have a sheepish look, just like my dog form, who always look sheepish no matter he does. And she would always give me an incredulous ‘Tsk tsk, why like that, huh?’ expression after that. At which point, I would look down at my feet and grin sheepishly, wondering why too.

Maybe being awkward is really my true talent in life?

I should have a reality TV show to track all my awkward behaviours. It’d be terrible but hey, if people can find the Kardashians interesting, surely my awkwardness can find a niche audience somewhere. Plus, I have been told by many I have excellent fashion sense. So I can be an awkward eye candy?

Maybe some of you would be thinking how and why I would describe myself as awkward. The truth is I don’t really know. I just am.

I can wear the best-looking suit and most dashing shoes to work and still look out of place at a posh event. Presentable, but inept at being a fluttering eloquent social butterfly.

Maybe I am too self-conscious because I think I have a horrible thick boorish accent. I sometimes feel that I speak as though I hail from a rural land where English is the third language. It gets worse when I have to address a crowd of corporate people, I feel even more like a country bumpkin in an ill-fitted suit. But with really, really good hair and a winsome smile. Weird, I know.

I also dislike air kisses. A naturally awkward person should never attempt to air kiss under any circumstances. True story.

Which side of the cheek should one aim at first? The left or the right? What if both people decide to air kiss at the same direction at the same time? Awkward…

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Choco Baby

I realise I have tons of drafts saved for this blog and when I re-read them, I laughed, swooned, cried (sometimes all at once) at them. So I thought I should publish some really nice (meaningful) ones that are still relevant to me in 2012. Starting with the one below…

I first wrote this blog post on 7 August 2011 at 5.11am and I added on to it earlier today.

If you only had one minute to live, what would you do? Make those moments count or just lay there and wait for it to end?

Ten days ago, we were chatting for a few hours on the phone. As usual, I was at work and my muse was lying on her bed enjoying her lazy afternoon.

It was blazing out there. It was perfect for a snooze, especially after a decent meal.

We were talking about the weather, sleep, lunch, her dog, how both of them slipped and fell down within minutes of each other one morning I was at her place, my nightmare earlier in the morning and other random things that popped up in our heads. There were plenty of “Hahahahas!” in the conversation.

She then tried to create my initials using many “poop” emoticons but failed. Never one to back out of a challenge, I did the same with her initials and succeeded. She was impressed. So she tried again, using both “poop” and “monkey” emoticons, which made my initials looked like wobbly drunk alphabets but you could still tell which alphabets they were meant to be. But as usual, I trumped her with my beautiful illustration of her name with “poop, monkeys and pigs” – our affectionate insults for each other.

One minute passed. There was no repartee from her. Five minutes. It was still quiet. Too quiet in fact. Eight minutes went by.

And then a random splattering of stars, suns and fire appeared on my phone screen.

“What’s that?” I asked.

She then sent me a screenshot of what the stars, suns and fires were supposed to resemble. Turned out she was studiously typing out the emoticons on the notepad app on the iPhone. However, transferring them to Whatsapp did not create the same effect as she wanted.

If someone had looked at me then, they would have seen me grinning at my phone. She was unbelievably adorable. If she was right in front of me, I’d have grabbed her face and kiss her all over because she was that adorable.

“SadZ. I’m made of stars, fire and sun,” she said.

“I feel nauseous,” I replied.

A lull and then she said: “If you don’t vomit, I’m going to vomit liao ah.”

We both burst out laughing at the same time. Which tailed off into more insults for each other. Until… she texted: “I am Choco Baby.”

“You’re  baby.”

“Mmmm no!”

“Later I puke ah.”

Yes, I know what “highly intellectual” conversations we have. But no one makes us laugh as much as we make each other laugh. It’s just hard to understand if you’re not part of our world, our venn diagram, our intertwined lives.

She soon fell asleep because she just had lunch and you know how a full stomach always makes her very drowsy.

Fast forward two hours later, she has awoken and we were making dinner plans while travelling on buses to our rendezvous spot.

Another two hours later, we were finally on our way to meet each other and I was a little excited. We haven’t seen each other for a little over a week and I had missed her even though I hadn’t told her so.

She was going to arrive later than me so I decided to walk around the stores first. When she arrived, I thought she looked stunning and I wanted to give her a hug so bad. We ended up shopping for a new pair of black jeans for her.

As we stepped into the store, loud booming dance music started playing. I grabbed her and started swaying her while moving my body to the beats at the same time. I even lip-synced to the song in a “trying to be sexy but totally failed” way. She rolled her eyes like I was being duh and then surreptitiously turned to see if anyone was looking at us. There wasn’t. So she danced vigorously for two seconds, stopped abruptly and continued browsing the clothes like nothing happened. I ended up getting the black pair of jeans because it fitted me better.

We were finally starving. At the Ship restaurant, we ordered at least five dishes from the menu because that’s how we roll, Internet. We are the type of couple who can eat three meals together at one go. Yes. We had a lobster dish, escargots, pork cutlet, a chicken dish and desserts. I still don’t know how we always managed to finish almost every meal.

After a nice filling dinner, we strolled over to the pharmacy nearby. It was crowded.We were browsing the aisles. She wanted to get some feminine products. That was when I saw the “Vaginal Douche” labelled on a product. I nudged her and when she looked up, we burst out laughing. I took a picture of it and said that was her new name. Giggling non-stop, we paid up and headed for our respective bus stops.

During the walk there, I thought about all the fun dates we had – the first one where we had bak kut teh and crepes, the night we went to the Stereophonics concert and had five whiskey dry at the Irish bar, the picnic where we didn’t manage to fly our kite but we still had a romantic time together because I brought a lot of food and necessities so I’d have everything in my bag if you wanted something savoury or sweet or healthy or a wet wipe to refresh yourself, our Bintan getaway where I cut short my Shanghai trip so I could meet you earlier, all those times we spent lazing on BTB, our excursion to the Salvador Dali and Tang Dynasty exhibitions.

Then there was the second picnic where we had a really fierce wild monkey with really weird long uneven nipples chasing us and snatching our very yummy home-cooked food – a competition which you won. We even kidded about bringing my dog form to protect us next time we have picnics. Then there was the day we spent building little Lego (ok, you built while I assisted), the amazing date we had at Oyster Bar and Wangz, the times we farted in front of each other and tried to pretend we didn’t, nights we spent grooming each other’s ears and squeezing pimples on our backs, feasting on food deliveries at home, and so many many many more! There are just too many great times to list down.

And you know what? It would be so nice to continue making more happy memories together ’cause you’re such an adorable Choco Baby.

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Happy days

The past five days have been so amazing and awesome that I can’t believe I’m so blessed. I had and still am having such a great time that I’m still can’t grinning whenever I think about the love and kindness I have from my friends and family.

In fact, I’m so delirious with joy that my expression is exactly like when my favourite Milk Toof – Lardee is really tao zui (also known as “drunk with happiness”).

You don’t know what “tao zui” means? Tao zui at level one looks just like this:

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You can’t stop grinning now too, can you? Especially when you see both Lardee and ickle having so much fun like “wheee!” (tao zui level two) here:

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Bet you want to start jumping on some bubble wrap now too… Because we have reached the ultimate high in Tao zui-ness:

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I can’t stop smiling when I look at Lardee’s and ickle’s happy pictures. It’s as though I have this permanent grin on my face. I absolutely love this feeling. Don’t you?

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Total eclipse of my heart

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On Saturday night, as we walked out of the cinema after being thoroughly tickled and amused by the Muppets (you should totally watch the movie if you’re a big childhood fan of them like me), I wondered why so many people were either looking at the sky or pointing their cameras at it. Usually I try not to follow the herd but I was curious. Then I saw it and it was amazing. (I also had to try really hard not to point at the moon to my friends because I fear getting cut behind my ears. True story.)

There was a gradient shadow creeping slowly across the unusually bright moon and like a movie played at extremely slow snail pace, we could see coppery red tinges filling up the sides. It was a total eclipse and the last one we would see until 2014.

From Wired Science:

“A lunar eclipse happens when the Earth slips between the sun and the moon, casting a long shadow on the lunar surface and darkening it. But sunlight filters in through the edges of the Earth’s atmosphere, casting a reddish-orange glow on the moon. This light is a projection of all the sunrises and sunsets happening on Earth at this time, creating a spectacular cosmic show.”

I thought the last line of Wired’s explanation was beautiful. I love sunrises and sunsets and the idea that all of them were happening at the same time I was staring at the eclipse is intoxicating.

But my first thought that night was: “The moon is exceptionally beautiful tonight. Wherever you are in the world, we’d be under the same sky and looking at the same moon. Are you thinking of me as I am of you?”

Gosh, I’m so romantic that even I’d melt and fall in love with me if someone said that to me. RIGHT?

So were you there to see the perfect alignment of the moon, Earth and sun on Dec 10? What was your first thought?

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Right here waiting

I got home late last night and was all tired out when I finally fell into bed. As usual, the TV was on and I managed to catch the last few minutes of popular American comedy How I Met Your Mother before sleep engulfed me. It was the 23rd episode “As fast as she can” of the fourth season and it was poignant for me in many ways.

I used to think I want to be like Barney – awesome, hilarious and free-loving with a bevy of ladies to choose from. Then I saw the episode last night and I realise there is a Ted in all of us, even if we try so hard to deny it.

Ted has been trying very hard for the longest time to get over his ex-girlfriend who broke his heart. He was also hoping to kick-start his flagging career to distract himself from the pain. Then one day after a series of incidents and at his most dejected moment, he finally admitted it out loud – a thought that has been on his mind for the longest time.

Ted: Okay, I am going to say something out loud that I’ve been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have, I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen. I am waiting for it to happen. I guess I’m just tired of waiting. And that is all I’m going to say on that subject.

Stella: I know that you’re tired of waiting. And you might have to wait a little while more but she’s on her way, Ted. And she’s getting here as fast as she can.

You know what, I feel the exact same way as you, Ted, and I know exactly what you are going through even if I haven’t quite said it out loud yet.

So here goes. Hi you, yes you, I’m right here waiting for YOU, whoever you are and wherever you may be. Godspeed.