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Relight our fire

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I wrote this blog post in 2011. Maybe between October and November. But I didn’t publish it then. I forgot why. Maybe I didn’t feel like having the whole world reading my heartbroken thoughts. But it has been over a year and a few months now since I last edited this post on 20 October 2012. I guess I have grown up a little and become a little stronger. And I’m okay letting you read this now (if you still read my blog).

Sometime late in late 2011:

I just spent 17 minutes of my life watching a YouTube video on the stages of a relationship a couple goes through. I had tears in my eyes when I saw what the couple went through. The ups and downs, the highs and the lows. The earlier scenes had me nodding and even smiling at the accuracy depicted when you get to know someone new. As the couple became comfortable and familiar with each other, things started to change. And it is not always for the better.

While I probably will not watch it another time (ok maybe just one more time) because it is so time-consuming, I will just break the stages here so I can recap why it is so important for two people in love to work at staying in love. Otherwise, when one of us stops trying, two people who were once so in love will end up hating each other and forgetting why they fell in love in the first place.

This is from me to you:

When I first met you, you were something special. It was unbelievable how we clicked over the phone even though we haven’t seen each other for the longest time. Whenever your name popped up on my phone screen, I would get butterflies in my stomach. You probably still don’t know this, but I’d smile whenever I saw your messages. Getting to know you all over again was fun, exciting and innocent because I genuinely wanted to know every single thing you had to say. It was nice to share my thoughts with you, regardless of what popped up in my mind. If something happened in gym class, you’d be the first person I texted. If I saw something funny, you’d be the first person I told. If I took a really nice photo, you’d be the first person I sent it to. Even if you weren’t online, I would text you anyway because I was that enthusiastic about sharing every bit of my life with you.

It was amazing how we could spend hours chatting non-stop about everything and nothing in particular. If I didn’t hear from you for a few days, I’d find myself missing you. I remember there was one time, we didn’t speak for two days. And then out of a sudden, I got your messages in the middle of the night when I was at a club. I put aside my drinks, my friends, the loud blasting music and just sat at a corner of the couch to continue talking to you. I don’t know if I had told you this but that night, if I could, I would have dropped everything right then and there to go home so I could talk to you without any distractions.

And you were equally excited to read my replies. You sent me some photos you took during your trip in Australia. You even sent one photo of a few bars of soap at home. We were probably grinning to the screen at that point in time. Our replies to each other were fast and furious. There were just so many things to say even though we hadn’t spoken for two days. It felt like we were the only two people in the world.

All I wanted was just to know more about you – either through your messages, your photos, your Facebook and everything that you were interested in. But I was shy to ask you out. Until you made the first move the very next day. After we continued chatting where we left off the night before, you asked me, “Why haven’t you asked me out?”

One thing led to another and that very evening, we met each other for the very first time. And suffice to say, we had a very good time out.

From then now, all I wanted to do was to hang out with you and do interesting or fun stuff together. You were my number one priority. I would choose to go out with you over my friends. Even when I was with my friends, I would think about you all the time. Seeing you just made me yearn for the next time I’d see you again. In my eyes, you were perfect and there was no one else I want to spend time with or talk to.

It was like the stars for us were aligned. Everything felt right. Even the first time we kissed felt perfect. It was our honeymoon. We could be affectionate with each other without fear. We could do even more silly fun things together. Every moment together was our moment to cherish. We held hands, we hugged, we had random talks over the phone and we had great dates. We were a fun couple. It was a dream come true.

We took many photos together, we knew every single detail of our daily lives, we went on holidays together, we made plans to go out together. When you were away, we would be chatting on Skype and looking at each other on video calls, talking about the soonest possible time we would see each other again. I remember there were a few times, when the minute you arrive at your location, you’d text or log online to talk to me so we will always be in touch. The best part is we will always talk about how much we miss each other and how we can’t wait to see each other soon. And when you arrive home, we will always see each other the next day without fail.

Things were still fun and yet comfortable. We could even have so much fun watching TV and dissing everyone on any show we watched. We’d sleep spooning each other and wake up cuddling. We’d fight over the bolster, but I will always give in to you and in return you’d ‘generously’ let me kiap the bottom part of it so I can spoon you instead. I’d give you the whole blanket and hold your hot body for warmth when I start shivering. You’d fart at random parts of my body and push me away when my hands and feet are too cold. We were truly behaving like ourselves with each other. We might have to wear different masks to face different people in our lives, but when we were together, what we gave each other was our true genuine self.

But there were some aspects of our lives that became slightly challenging even when I thought things were going so well. I found out about the ex-bf issues, which consumed my entire mind from that moment. Maybe I was too foolish to not pick up on the signs. I became unsettled, wondering what I did wrong. I wrote many private blog posts (maybe someday I will publish them) about everything that I couldn’t let go. You probably didn’t know or even understand how much pain, how much heartache, how much tears I had. It was a recurring pain that affected the best part of our honeymoon for a few months. It has thankfully ceased for two months now.

Then slowly things began changing. Messages became infrequent. Replies were even slower or sometimes non-existent. Phone calls were no longer picked up instantly. Photos or updates that were usually first sent to each other were posted on various social networking sites first. Words of affection were no longer said out loud. Even emails were no longer as excitedly received as they once were. There was tension between each other once in a while. When we had bad days, it became worse if we didn’t let go. We became even more sensitive to each other’s actions or words. Then we became desensitised when the other party no longer wanted to give in or make up.

Conversations became fewer or sometimes zero. We stopped going out so often. We stopped sharing the things we were doing when the other person wasn’t around. Making plans to go out involved asking, “Where do you want to go?” “I don’t know. Anywhere.” “I can’t decide.”

When did I stop wanting to do the romantic things I have always wanted to do for you? When did I start censoring my thoughts and the things I wanted to share with you? When did I become so scared of asking you anything? When did I become so afraid of telling you anything? When did I stop sharing every funny thought I had? When did I become so paranoid the times when you were out without me? When did I become afraid of telling you I miss you or even I love you?

Our lives will continue on in different directions. We might become strangers again. Everything we shared will just become fragmented memories. After a long time has passed, we might even question if the relationship did really happen. All we would have left is a box of stuff full of memories of things we did together, but couldn’t quite remember when or why.

For a period of time, you were a stranger who became the most important person in my life. You made me grin (in public all the time) and realise how much I could love someone again. You said once that I made you happy and that your friends told you they had never seen you happier. I guess we were the sun, the rainbow, the world and all the beautiful things in each other’s lives.

I just want to say I’m sorry. Our relationship was important to me. You were important to me. For the longest time, I felt that you were my One and Only. But I didn’t know how to fix us, even though I wanted you back so so much.

I think that if life separates us and we are in totally different places, I’ll always remember this period of time when our paths aligned, and I’ll always be thankful for that. And I hope that wherever you are, you’ll be thankful too.

GWBB, be happy always. XOXO

P/S: Now that it’s 2012, this still feels surreal. I’ve carried you in my heart for so long (even until today) that sometimes I wonder if you could feel what I feel. No wonder, I titled this blog post as ‘Relight our fire’. Listen to the song by Take That again. It’s very apt, don’t you think?

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I love your little flaws

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I giggled out loud when I saw this on last Sunday’s PostSecret.

Poooooooooot! Prooooot poot!

This postcard reminds me of a few funny nights we once had and how this line from her became a classic between us: ‘Your fart cuts through the silence of the night.’

Reading the post again is making me grin very sillily! 😀

P/S: On Sunday morning, I came across this story from Romance of the Three Kingdoms of Chinese history. It tells of Liu Bei and how his marriage to Lady Sun came about.

During the fierce struggle for land and power, his rival Sun Quan adopted Zhou Yu’s ‘beauty scheme’ to seize control of Jing Province from Liu Bei by luring him to Jiangdong under the pretext of marrying his younger sister Lady Sun to affirm the Sun-Liu alliance.

Sun Quan planned to then hold Liu Bei hostage in exchange for Jing Province. So he requested for Liu Bei to travel to the province in secret and they would be able to discuss the marriage in private.

However, Zhuge Liang foiled Zhou Yu’s scheme by asking Liu Bei to proclaim his impending arrival to Jiangdong loudly to whomever he meets and wherever he goes. A large entourage set off with Liu Bei and Zhuge Liang, who distributed wedding cakes and gifts to the commoners they met on their journey, while receiving well-wishes in return. Liu Bei told everyone proudly that he was in love and on his way to marry the love of his life and bring her home, where they will spend the rest of their lives in bliss together. He was determined to be open about everything, so he had nothing to hide.

Soon, the good news spread and reached the ears of Sun Quan’s mother, who was furious that she was not informed of the pending betrothal of her daughter to Liu Bei. The matriarch demanded that Liu Bei should be brought to her, so she could reject his proposal.

Sun Quan was aggrieved that his covert plan had now been exposed and that he had no choice, but to receive Liu Bei and his entourage with hospitality of a welcoming host.

When Sun Quan’s mother met Liu Bei, she was impressed that he was honourable, virtuous and kind. In short, he was an excellent match for her beloved youngest daughter.

And so, the marriage became reality. Liu Bei left Jiangdong, having successfully sealed a political alliance with Sun Quan, and returned to Jing Province safely with his new bride.

Smart huh? Now I want to find the book and read more about it.

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You’ll be the death of me

I first heard this song on the TV telecast of Victoria’s Secrets Fashion Show 2012 and now, ‘I’m addicted and I don’t know why’. I have never been a huge fan of Bruno Mars — I’ve only liked his ‘Just the way you are’ and ‘Marry You’ and ‘Grenade’ songs because she first introduced them to me — so I’m surprised by how particularly mesmerised I am by this latest song’s chorus and the composition of the melody, even though I don’t think the lyrics make any sense. Actually, none of them ever do.

All you young wild girls

You make a mess of me

Yeah, you young wild girls

You’ll be the death of me, the death of me

All you young wild girls

No matter what you do

Yeah, you young wild girls

I’ll always come back to you, come back to you…

The slow ballad is so enchanting that I keep replaying the YouTube video. And seeing incredibly hot models strutting around in skimpy lingerie is the delightful cherry on the icing. Now I can’t stop daydreaming about these beautiful women whose bodies are so out-of-this-world — so svelte and lithe — that I wish I was a hard 10/10 on the scale of good looks. If only!

Also, I still can’t believe it’s 2013. I’m still having difficulty writing/typing 2013 on my word documents. And I have no New Year resolutions to speak of. Maybe to get myself a hot supermodel? Hehe!

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A 2012 review of The Imaginarator’s blog

Happy New Year… ‘ssss Eve! In a few exciting hours’ time, it’d be the start of a brand new year. Maybe that is why it has been pouring chubby dogs and fat cats the entire day. Year 2012 is refusing to go away quietly, without a long-drawn-out fight for its right to stay.

Anyway, in other exciting news, WordPress.com has kindly helped compile a very pretty 2012 annual report (lovely pic included) for this five-year-old blog. Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 10,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 17 years to get that many views.

The number of views is nearly a five-fold increase from last year. Amazingly, huh?! And these are the top five posts that got the most views in 2012 and they all have got one thing in common. It was about the love I had for someone. Impressive, huh?! My writing has staying power. Hahaha!

Okay, I have to start on my other year-end lists now. See you in 2013!

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Love actually

The beginning of two great days

I first wrote this post shortly after we came back and I updated subsequently several times on 2 and 17 January, 21 February, 4 April, 24 and 31 Dec last year as well as a few times this year. But finally on the fourth anniversary of starting this blog, I thought publishing this post would be rather apt. So here goes.

This pic was taken moments before the ferry set off to our next destination and 15 Dec 2010 was the beginning of two fucking great days.

I couldn’t sleep the night before excited and fearful of what was to come because the past few days had been a torment in more than one way. But really, we didn’t have to worry so much. Things picked up where we left off.

It started with home-made heart shaped pasta for breakfast. We were sitting there waiting for the ferry when she whipped out a tupperware box and said: “Breakfast!”

Now I love surprises a lot because it’s rare that I would be surprised since I would have figured it out beforehand or forced the information out of someone. And trust me, I was trying really hard, almost persistent, to get the info out from her the night before so this was a literally real treat.

The pasta had crab meat in slightly spicy tomato sauce and a little hard-boiled egg at the side. It was 8.55am and I can rave on and on about how delicious the pasta was and how I was grinning non-stop but I really hate to brag, Internet, because there is so much more to come.

We got up the ferry and started snapping photos of ourselves in our sunglasses. I tried to look suave and failed. If you ever saw me, you’d know I belong to the goofy genre, or as what she would always say, I have this general sheepish look all the time.

She was portraying a 60s look, although it could be the camera filter I was using that gave her that classic retro look. I thought she looked amazing. Then again, she always does and she knows how beautiful she is to me even if I would only say it silently in my heart.

Sleep was slightly hard to come by as we were distracted by Ice Age 3, playing on the big television screen. I couldn’t tell you much about the movie now, except it had mammoths and an irritating sloth which was trying to raise three T-Rexes. What I remember is it was nice holding hands, enjoying the cozy moments of her lying on my shoulder with my arm wrapped around her as the ferry gently churns its way across the sea.

When we arrived, we were almost immediately chauffeured to BYT where friendly staff, cold towels and a rather disgusting drink that was touted to be full of health benefits awaited us. After checking in, we were ushered to the spa room where we would be pampered, oiled, scrubbed and massaged for the next two hours. It was paradise on earth and if the world had ended then, I would have died the happiest person in the whole universe because I was with her.

We then retreated to our villa, where we chilled, rested, tumbled around, dined and napped in luxury. When we finally woke up, it was close to last order for dinner and we hurriedly got changed and headed down to a restaurant within BYT. The dinner was okay, because nothing could beat what happened back at our villa. We had champagne in a bucket, the jacuzzi turned on, some entertainment show playing on TV and a cheesecake that she made herself and had my initial on it. She also gave me what was probably a whole year’s supply of presents. I was so dumbfounded and touched and delighted that I couldn’t speak. Maybe she really loved me after all, in spite of what had happened in the past, I remember thinking. And I have never loved her more since then. The next few hours of our night were some of the best sleepless fun we ever had, and also censored from public viewing. Haha.

We woke up the next day to a splendid ocean view. In a half-awake stupor, I turned to look at her. And she looked at me and we smiled. I said: “I can wake up to this view every day. I can live like this forever.”

Because baby, you’re amazing just the way you are.

There’s this kind of love that sneaks up on you and softly taps you on your shoulder when you least expect it and hits you really hard. Every moment seems a little crazy and impossible at first — from the person you are with and how they make you feel to the new things you find yourself doing for them. You’re almost freaked out by the depth of love you feel growing within you and there are times you find your breath taken away or reach new levels of frustration. You might shrug your shoulders and say: ‘Maybe this won’t last at all, let’s just enjoy this for now and see where this takes us.’ But then one day, you realise you want this person more than anything else you have ever wanted in your entire life, because what both of you have is more than love. It’s proof that you fit together perfectly and that you are soulmates and how incredible lucky you are to have found each other out of seven billion people in the whole world. So yes, in spite of everything and even though how the passing of time is supposed to dilute our memories and feelings, I love you still.

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me… everyday.” — Nicholas Sparks

Merry Christmas, everyone! 😀

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Care for each other even when you’re angry

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‘What is love?’ some of you might ask now and then. To me, love is caring for the person you love, even when you’re mad at them. And this pic sums it for me really.

There was one day few months ago when we were supposed to meet really early in the morning for an all-day out-of-town excursion. But things screwed up and we got into a huge fight, when I should have let whatever issue go but was too furious to do so. I continued to bicker, insisting on things that really shouldn’t matter. Well, it doesn’t matter now, because I can’t even explain clearly what we were arguing about.

It went on for ages and the conversation was going nowhere. I finally gave up and walked away to clear my head. Then I realised she was hungry and experiencing gastric pain, so I silently walked further away to look for food for her. She probably thought I was going to disappear. I crossed two streets before I finally found a stall selling hot snacks and water.

When I headed back, she was walking towards my direction. Maybe she was looking for me? So I walked up to her and somehow she was sitting at the bus-stop looking tired, sleepy and lost. Me? I probably looked grouchy and up for another argument. When I passed her the food and water, she gazed at me with a puzzled expression. Thankfully, she started eating.

At that moment when I looked at her silently chewing her food, I realised I have a weird way of showing someone how much I love and care for them. Getting into fights and not wanting to let the anger go is not the cleverest thing to do if I really value someone. I should enjoy each moment we have and fill our time together with happiness, not regret. This has been a painful lesson learnt.

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Little flower petals

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I grinned inwardly when I saw this pic. It reminds me of the ‘xiao cui hua’ bedsheets we used to sleep on, the headstands we tried to do on the bed and the not-so-complete cartwheels in the kitchen and laughing so hard that our tummies ached and we had to pause so we could catch our breath. And then we’d laze on the couch to watch reality TV shows all day, eat our home delivery meals, play games and take naps. Super fun times.

“I more than love you, I’m not whole without you. You are life itself to me. When you are gone, I’m waiting for you to return so I can start living again.” — Former US President Ronald Reagan to his beloved wife Nancy Reagan