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Nothing makes me happier

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Nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder … than you.

It’s true. I haven’t felt right for a long time. It’s nearly 1.5 or two years… The past few days I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind, as I recalled the conversation we used to have. Oh well, let’s move on. I can only feel ’emo’ for this long. Besides, this quote is applicable for my studies and shopping purchases as you will read below…

I can’t believe I haven’t blogged for close to a month. In my defence, I was swamped with work and studies, though there’s nothing to crow about, since I will most likely not get any first-class honours. It’d be a miracle if I do receive high distinctions for my papers. Still, my fingers will remain crossed. After all, I’m always lucky. You never know…

Also, in spite of my busy schedule, I found time to go on a shopping spree, which was therapeutic, but certainly not cheaper than getting a massage or spa treatment. In fact, I might need to see a therapist after this. You know how it is when your friends show off their shopping goodies and you’d tut-tut at them for spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on branded clothes, bags and shoes (and sometimes they’d be broke after that)? And then you would exclaim how you would never spend that much money on such materialistic items, because you are absolutely confident that you can find cheaper and equally nice substitutes? Yup, I’ve become one of those people you’d tut-tut at for spending ridiculous amounts of dough on luxury goods. Now I know why Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City goes crazy over expensive branded shoes. I totally get you now, Carrie.

I swear I’m not a brand whore, BUT … The stuff I buy are really, really nice, because I have excellent taste and fabulous dress sense. Ahem. Anyway, I’m lazy to post pictures; you just gotta trust me on this. I highly recommend everyone to buy ridiculously expensive clothes and shoes, because they are really comfortable. And the quality is absolutely topnotch — so good you know for certain it will probably outlast your lifespan. Say, you slip your feet in well-crafted exquisitely soft leather shoes, you’d immediately feel like “Ah… This is what a good life should be.”

Once you buy your first pair of $500-700 luxury shoes, you’ll wonder why have you spent half of your life without them. And the next thing you know… You’re signing a credit card slip for a $1,200-worth pair of shoes. Yup, by the time you reach home, you’re still in a daze from the swiftness of that transaction, but you are also gleeful of how good you look in the mirror. Then when you add the cost of the branded shirts and bottoms to the shoes, you’d realise your outfit from head to toe is probably worth around $1,000 or more, which would shock you for like five seconds and then you’d quickly put it out of your mind. Because you’re thinking of your next purchase. True story.

The only thing I haven’t splurged on is bags, because I have a specific requirement for them. But I have my eye on a few items already… So don’t be surprised if you see me on the streets looking like a million bucks one day; my outfit would probably have cost that much. Hahaha!

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Think less, do more

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I was going slightly crazy the past few days and was about to hit the panic button to anyone willing to listen. Then I realised it was no longer appropriate to feel any more invested than I already am. Letting go is making sure you keep moving forward.

My friend asked me: ‘Why are you still not over it yet?’

Frankly, I have no answer to that. I don’t think it’s my ego or my self-esteem that is holding on to whatever that is no longer there. I’ve been through the five stages of grief and I am no longer as angry and devastated as I was two years ago. Maybe I am finally moving on to the acceptance stage.

Yes, I have been willing to move on and accept that change is going to happen. But then sometimes memories would flood back without warning and I’d get choked up. And I’d regress and have to start the moving-on process all over again. Because it’s incredibly hard to let go of someone who you think is the other half that fits you completely.

So it’s been really tough, because there are times when I have this genuine fear come rushing all over me like a cold chill and that I would discover new pain to hurt myself with. It’s a constant effort to keep telling myself it’s ok and to forcibly block myself from seeing or reading things that might affect me. Which also explains why I have not logged on to Facebook or other social media sites for prolonged period.

It’s a conscious process to keep telling myself to put ME first and above all else, while controlling my emotions. I’ve been so good at it that this girl, who I used to be really close with, said: ‘The wall around you is so high now that no one will ever be able to tear it down.’

Maybe I am terrified to face the unknown, because I was so certain that you are the one for me and I kept hoping beyond hope that you will finally realise it one day.

How silly of me, right?

It shouldn’t matter if you’re happier or doing better than me or that you’ve moved on and found someone new. We are two different people after all. I can’t stop you from forgetting what we have shared and been through.

I can only stop wasting so much energy thinking about you and devote more time to healing my wounds. I can’t hold on to you or my feelings for you any more.

So yes, I have to think less and do more. Very apt, don’t you think?

We met for a reason. You were either a blessing or a lesson.

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My heart is with you

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My heart is with you and I love you always, always, always.

Sometimes when the weather gets too chilly and my hands and legs are freezing cold, I wish you were in bed with me so we could snuggle under a thick blanket and I could spoon you and absorb some of your amazingly toasty body heat. Ha!

*Another gorgeous artwork from one of my favourite artists, Tracy Emin, whose work I previously blogged about here.

I’d like to have her artwork in my home someday, along with some Andy Warhol’s pieces. And some retro items I greatly admire ever since I saw them at a dinner party. And a long bookshelf to put all my books in. What about you? 🙂

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Ride off into the sunset with me

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You, me, riding off into the sunset together. How about it?

I’m going to love you so much that no one is ever going to be good enough for you. And I mean every word. And I’ve never been more serious my whole life.

Are you ready to ride off into the sunset with me?

I heard this song on TV and it was beautiful. It was from one of my favourite bands and the haunting melody for some reason made me think of you immediately.

You know how you can’t help it when sometimes you look at me and you realise that I am the best things that have ever happened in your life.

Because for you, I am perfect. HA!

P/S: By the way, according to my tarot card reading, November is an excellent time for business ventures, financial affairs and all things related to the material world. I should implement any changes I have been considering in my business affairs. I will also receive recognition for my past effort in the form of financial rewards, respect and possibly, promotion. Woooooo… hehe!

It will also be a good time to straighten out financial dealings I may have with friends or relatives as well, as this month is not a good time to go into debt.

Most importantly, November is a good time for love. Strong feelings and passionate exchanges on the emotional and physical levels make this an exciting month. Can’t wait! 🙂

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Sometimes I think, sometimes I don’t

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This is a conceptual art installation piece created by Stefan Brüggemann (1975-) in 2001. It is made of white neon. And it’s very alluring to look at. Agree?

The artwork also says what my mind can’t express…

Sometimes I think, sometimes I don’t, but recently I have been thinking about you. A lot.

The past weekend was especially tough to live through. I carry you in my heart all the time.

Then I came across this quote read on a TV show.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. — Corinthians 13:4-7 [New International Version (NIV)]

It’s time for me to let the perceived wrongdoings and grievances that I felt deeply about go, so I can focus on living my life the right way and not be burdened by the past that is draining my motivation. Then maybe, just maybe, I can start afresh.

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Love is knowing who’s the boss

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My first thought when I look at this quote was: ‘Is this why I kept giving in to you all the time??’

HAHAHA! I felt very amused, so I took a photo of it when I was at the art museum (I love visiting art museums by the way). Then I remember how you’d always say that I’m bossy one, because I’d make sure we do things the right way like you have to eat proper meals or you shouldn’t rub your eyes or I must tuck you in bed so you can sleep well or you must eat your medicine or you should do this or that in a certain way …

And you’d tell me that I should let you do what you like even if it could be wrong, because it’s your choice and I can’t always ‘micromanage’ everything.

Then I’d tell you I do all these, because I care for you and want the best for you all the time. I’d explain to you cheerfully like: ‘If I don’t love you, I wouldn’t worry about you at all.’ And you’d roll your eyes in a ‘yah, right’ way. And I’d look sheepishly at you. Ha!

Sometimes when you’re in a good mood, you would say that I’m very caring or I’m very ‘motherly’. And I would roll my eyes and look sheepishly at you.

Then recently I realised I occasionally behave like this to almost everyone. Maybe I am a natural worrier and I feel responsible for most people’s well-being. Like that day I saw someone rubbing her eyes with her dirty hands and I insisted and nagged that she should wash them or her eyes would be infected and she might go blind until she relented. Or if I know someone hasn’t eaten, I’d nag non-stop at them to go eat something. Or when my friend lost her mobile phone in a cab and hadn’t done anything to retrieve it, I kept asking her to call the cab company and her phone until she gave in. Yes, I know… Bad habit.

Or how when I have meals with people, I would make sure everyone has enough to eat and would eat lesser so everyone has more. And I would keep telling everyone to take more food. Seriously! What’s wrong with me, right?!

I should really chill and let everyone, including the one I love, do whatever they like in any way they want, even if I think it’s better to do it my way. Haha!

Everyone should have a chance to make their own mistakes and I shouldn’t deprive them of that learning experience. Also, I guess if I don’t like my mum nagging at me all the time, why would other people want me to nag at them?!

So yes, I’m gonna stay cool from now on and let the world be. No one needs to know how caring or responsible or motherly or naggy or bossy I really am.

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Today I thought of you and not much else

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Not just today. I thought of you the day before. And the day before yesterday. And the day, day before yesterday.

Every thing I do, I wish you were there to have fun with me. Every time I laugh, I wish you were there to share my joy. Every interesting sight I see, I wish you were there to experience the marvel I felt. Every tasty meal I eat, I wish you were there to savour the dish with me.

* “Do you feel tired?”
“Why would I?”
“Because you’ve been running through my mind the whole day.”

*One of the first jokes/lame/romantic pickup line you told me that was kinda sweet. Even though my first response was ‘Huh?’, followed by a long laugh at how adorable/awkward you sounded, then ‘Awwww’ because I finally realised you were trying to tell me you missed me. Ha!