0

I’m not saying I hate you

20140622-204436-74676259.jpg

In fact, I’d even get the best seat in the house to watch you BURN. You get the drift…

My friend said I should just ditch idiots who make me unhappy, because life is too short to spend so much time being angry and miserable. Utter truth!

I had three conversations with three different people today and they all said the same things. The gist of our highly intelligent, wise and mature debate (well, it was more of me ranting non-stop while they listened and gave me advice) is that we don’t need unnecessary drama in our lives.

If people choose to be selfish and childish, then there is absolutely no reason why we should indulge them further. We should let them go and cut them loose forever to allow ourselves to grow and be better than them. We shouldn’t even stoop to their level because we are way above them and they are simply basic bitches that deserve the worse things in life.

Plus, I had been stewing in anger for the past six hours, while those idiots were probably enjoying their lives and ignoring my existence. See, how unfair this is? Because of my foolish anger, I let my productivity slide when I could have done so many things during those lost hours. This is why harbouring anger never pays off.

Today’s event also teaches me a lesson. It is that I can be very vindictive and behave very rashly whenever I get angry. I let my emotions take over and become very unreasonable. This is extremely unhealthy and I’ll most likely get a brain aneurism if I continue to let unhappy thoughts flood my mind. So I need to chill the fuck out and let things go already!

Conclusion: I need to change my mindset and behaviour towards people who do not deserve my respect, because my health deserves my utmost attention and I, more than anyone else, deserve to be happy!

0

Lisa Kudrow’s epic speech on sexism

If you haven’t started watching the TV drama Scandal, you are missing out. You’ve gotta watch at the very least the sixth episode of the show’s third season, because it will blow your mind, especially if you believe in gender equality. I know I do, that’s why this was so inspiring.

In this episode of Scandal, Lisa Kudrow’s character, Congresswoman Josie Marcus delivers a scathing take-down of sexism in modern politics and the semantics with which men subtly put females down to her interviewer James Novak in an interview that is broadcast live on national TV.

“I know what prejudice looks like. It’s not about experience, James. It’s about gender. [Political opponent Governor Sam] Reston’s saying I don’t have the balls to be President and he means that literally. It’s offensive. It’s offensive to me and to all the women whose votes he’s asking for.”

Wow, right? Can you feel the room heating up? And the congresswoman goes on firing her bullets.

“It’s not just Governor Reston speaking in code about gender; it’s everyone, yourself included. The only reason we’re doing this interview in my house is because you requested it. This was your idea and here you are, thanking me for inviting you into my ‘lovely home’. That’s what you say to the neighbour lady who baked you chocolate-chip cookies. This pitcher of iced tea isn’t even mine; it’s what your producers set here. Why? Same reason you called me a ‘real-life Cinderella story’. It reminds people that I’m a woman without using the word. For you, it’s an angle, I get that, and I’m sure you think it’s innocuous, but guess what, it’s not.”

Powerful. Cutting. Straight to the point. And the politician who strives to be nice 24/7 finally shows that she has the temerity to bite when threatened. Strength is not derived from your gender, but your character.

“You’re promoting stereotypes, James. You’re advancing this idea that women are weaker than men. You’re playing right into the hands of Reston and into the hands of every other imbecile who thinks a woman isn’t fit to be commander-in-chief.”

The background story for her outburst is that minutes before her interview, Marcus is shown an ad from her political opponent Reston. The ad shows a woman’s trembling hand reaching for a doorknob, as the voiceover says: “On the other side of this door sit the leaders of Syria, China, and Iran. On the other side of this door is America’s future — success and failure, life and death. Does America really want an inexperienced hand opening this door?”

The ad doesn’t say it outright, but its subtext is indicating that a woman would not be confident enough to lead a country. Anyway, later in the episode, it was revealed that the ad was fake and created by Marcus’ campaign manager Olivia Pope to motivate her. Kinda expected if you’ve been following Scandal religiously. But still, excellent scriptwriting from the team, great editing and, of course, the kick-ass performance from Kudrow (but I have to admit that I keep expecting Phoebe Buffay to appear any moment).

The whole time I was watching the scene, I was subconsciously thinking of Hilary Clinton and whether she’d have the balls to make a speech like that. And would the American public love her or crush her in return? I’m already looking forward to the US presidential election in three years’ time, when hopefully Clinton or another strong capable female would run for the presidency and win. But most importantly, she would be an inspiring leader who runs the country efficiently and effectively. Now that would be quite a story to tell our future generations, don’t you think?

Credits: Celebuzz.com, The Atlantic

Standard
0

A new era

20120126-011041.jpg

Today is the first day of a new beginning. At least this is what I have been thinking since last Friday. In a way, my self-prophecy came true. Obviously, I wish I had better comeback lines to outwit the nasty people I had to deal with on a regular basis. But today is not the time to ruminate about the past.

Ok, I know you are confused right now and you have absolutely no idea what I am rambling about. Please be patient while I sort my thoughts out and turn them into a more coherent format.

But hey, since I’m feeling generous during this Chinese New Year period, here are some clues: career, crossroads and courage.

This will be one of the greatest lessons you will ever learn about life and career in general – something that they never teach in school. Why? Because it’s something only life can teach you. And here I’m giving it to you for free.

It’s simple. I’m shit scared but I have to take this leap of faith if I want to truly succeed. If I continue to be shit scared because I fear looking silly or facing failure, then I will always have that “what if” on my mind. After all, what’s the worst that could happen? Right? Glad you came to the same conclusion.

So yes, I admit that I’m shit scared. But I am also telling myself this: “Use this fear as motivation to do better. You only live once. You can always pick yourself up, no matter what. The most important thing is you have to try.”

Because if you never try, you will never know. What makes you think you won’t succeed? Why not think of it as “every move you make is a step closer to success”?

And it doesn’t mean you sit there and wait for things to drop on your lap. You have to understand that it’s going to be extremely tough and you will have to put in effort to ensure that you are well-prepared and ready to take up the opportunity when it arrives.

Being grateful helps too. When you show gratitude to the good things in your life and people who have helped you, you will find that more of the same will come to you.

But always, always remember that you are worthy of the success that is coming your way. So dream big and prepare yourself in all ways possible to receive it.

You can do it. Happiness is in your hands.

0

Worst day of my life

Today is officially the worst day of my life in January and it is only the 10th day of the new year.

It was so bad from the minute I walked into the office until 8.46pm – yes, until this very moment – that I officially want to quit my job or kill myself. I kept telling myself that it can get only better and there will be an end in sight. There was none.

I finally buckled and called my friend for help. In the end, I was filled with so much frustrations that I broke down in the car, unable to stop crying. Thinking about the day’s events and how weak I felt made me even angrier.

The call I received at 6.45pm was humiliating, to say the least. I can’t believe someone had the cheek to make those comments to me. Worst of all, I can’t believe I let myself land into this situation. I never had to sink so low my entire life and it’s an experience I am going to remember for a very very very long time.

Unable to get over the humiliation, I drove blindly and I nearly crashed into the barrier while exiting the highway. The moment when I had to swerve wildly to avoid hitting a car and the barrier while a motorbike was following closely behind my car scared the crap out of me.

If I didn’t steer away in time, I would be stuck with a wrecked car at the highway and a lot of explaining to do to the police. That woke me up. I didn’t feel better about myself but at least I was more focused.

I did what I had to do. I will survive and recoup my losses and I will come up with a solution to deal with this. For now, I just need the day to end.

Tomorrow, I will activate my positive neurones and face the world like I am infallible again. Goodnight.

0

Breaking point

(This post was typed halfway 14 Sep on my way home after yet a long exhausting day at work. I finally have time to finish it on 15 Sep.)

I AM SO SWAMPED AND BURIED WITH SO MUCH WORK AND COURSEWORK THAT I AM FEELING ALL CHOKED UP and sleep-deprived.

I was so close to breaking point working in the office alone tonight that when someone appeared out of nowhere with dinner as a surprise, I felt so blessed. Hehe.

Still, it has only been three/four days since I last blogged and I had to cramp in so many responsibilities in under 72 hours. I have never felt so drained my entire life.

I think about work before I sleep and the moment I wake up. I worry so much about failure that I have lost my appetite. I have dark eye rings and a permanent scowl on my face. I literally feel like I’m being pushed to a corner with nowhere to run. It is that horrific.

It has been an intense eight, coming to nine, days that I don’t think I can continue living/sleeping/working/studying with only 24 hours a day. It is impossible. And I haven’t even added in leisure time. Sad face.

I have also stopped logging onto ALL social networks for a very long time. I don’t even know if I am missing out on anything. Even if I did, I guess I couldn’t care less because I feel so liberated. My mind is so much clearer and I am more focused on the things that matter.

The only concession I made was on Saturday because people started adding me on Facebook and telling me they have added me so I couldn’t avoid not logging in. But I am proud to say I didn’t stay long and I wasn’t even interested to look at those new friends I added. (Actually I have never looked at new friends’ profiles. I don’t know why I don’t care! Maybe because I am more interesting than them. Ha!)

PHOOOOOO…. that was a huge long sigh of breath, not a fart. In an ironic way I have never felt more alive – having to cramp hours of revision, work in group project, conduct hours of research, show leadership, fulfil regular work tasks on top of understanding a totally new subject. All these things leave me with no space or time to think about anything else but survival and sleep.

I like sleeping. I miss sleeping. I enjoy sleeping. Which is why I’m going to enjoy my comfy, soft, fluffy kingsized bed now. Hehe. It’s almost as gluey as BTB.

See you.

Oh! I have to add this before I forget. A second, (and third and fourth) person asked if I was 21/22 years old on Sunday. I nearly choked on my drink.

“No, I’m not 22.”

“But you look so young. Are you sure? I keep thinking you are younger than me.”

Turns out that person was only 24. (again, this girl looked closer to 30! The other two people who asked me my age over lunch were much older and look old too. I feel young besides them!)

Which made me really puzzled because I was the unofficial leader for the team. And everyone was obediently following my instructions and listening to me. If they had all assumed I was only 21 and that they were much older and yet they were willing to be led by me, then WOW, I must have awesome leadership skills.

You can’t get me out of your mind now, isn’t it?

Also, a big decision was made yesterday… More exciting updates to follow shortly.

0

The colour of Monday

I was so annoyed with the people I work with today I scratched my neck in frustration. Now there are big red marks on my neck and they hurt. To think I still wonder why I am losing my hair in an alarming rate.

Seriously, I counted last night – I saw more than 10 strands among the suds when I was shampooing my hair and there were 11 strands of hair on the bathroom floor by the time I finished drying my hair. That is excluding the ones I found on the bedroom floor and on the bed. I know an average human being would shed around 50 to 100 strands of hair a day. But really, this is excessive for someone with short hair. So yes, my possible hair loss is worrying the crap out of me and I don’t know what to do. Yet.

And will someone please let me use their shower facilities? The water heater at my place broke and I have been forced to bathe with extremely cold water the past three days. Let’s put it in perspective. The water is so cold that even my pee is hotter than it so technically speaking, I’d rather bathe in my pee than the freezing water. Besides, wasn’t there research that said urine has antibacterial properties? No? Then you probably should not come near me until the heater gets fixed. Just saying.

Right now, I am eating a packed lunch that (I suspected was cooked by my sister and I think she should keep her full-time job) consists of macaroni, some mixed vegetables, hotdogs, cuttlefish balls and tomato pasta sauce.

This has been a tiring Monday morning and the end is not even in sight. There were plenty of times when I wanted to hit the table or scream out in anger because people were being stupid. And there are at least five more hours to go before I can officially leave the office.

So my mentor once told me that I have to be more tolerant and easy-going and not take things personally when things are going against me. He said the best thing I can do is to let go and smile and things will naturally look up. All I can say is he hasn’t seen the people I have to deal with for work.

So it’s lunchtime now and after I thought about what would be calming for me, I decided to blog about it. Blogging has therapeutic qualities for me in that I get to voice my frustrations out loud to you, Internet, without bothering anyone IRL. Also, solutions might soon emerge by themselves after all my ranting. (I hope.)

Usually, I’d feel better because I’d realise that things are not as bad as they sound and I have so many things to be grateful for so I tend to become a more pleasant human being after that. (Again, I hope at least it appears that way.)

So yes, reminding myself of the things I am grateful for is a philosophy I stand by because when I remember how good life has been / is treating me, I would immediately smile and the weight on my shoulders becomes lighter. Also, repeating the line “life is too short to waste my energy on stupid people” tends to help. HA.

Another thing that keeps me grounded to happiness is when I think of the awesome times we spent together. If we had any hilarious conversations or videos or photos of us doing silly things, I would be looking through the recent ones on my phone or email inbox, thinking about the next time we get to see each other again. Now that will definitely make me grin.

Writing about our adventures together is another great therapy for me. It not only helps me document our happy memories, it also inspires me to be the best I can be for us when I know we have so much more to look forward to.

Oh yes. Come on, I know you’re mostly here to read about our love story. Stop denying it. Ha!

0

I’m alive

Haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…… No, this isn’t some weird Lolzcat speak for “hi”. This is a really really really long low monotonous DUH sounding sigh that if you were in front of me, the impact would knock you over because it’s still echoing through my mouth.

Which means…… I’M ALIVE! I’M ALIVE!

After sleeping less than four hours the last two days in an awkward sitting position because I dozed off halfway punching out a 2,500-word feature and 800-word column, I thought I wouldn’t survive past the today’s deadline.

My neck and shoulders are creaky but I musn’t complain. Because I can finally move on with the rest of my life. Only the rest of my life consists of putting out three more print editions before this year ends. I wept two nights ago by the way. I had to face the public with my left eye way smaller than the right next day. THE ENTIRE DAY! Oh god, the amount of self consciousness that I had to keep at bay.

I honestly doubt if I can survive this Darth Vader-like “force choke” work pressure by myself because good staff are hard to find these days. After the issues I had with, not one, but two irresponsible young former employees this week, I am mentally scarred. The weirdest thing is when I relate my traumatising experience with bad staff to people I sort of trust, they understood my point of view. I’m very relieved to know I’m not the one who needs a hard knock on the head. Say what you want about fair employment, I am already forming some very discriminating thoughts about what I don’t want to see in the next hire. Bite me.

My goal this weekend is to watch tv, sleep, clean my room, watch more tv, exercise, nap, watch even more tv. Oh and eat! Mustn’t forget about sustenance, especially since I’ve stopped eating regularly the last two months. Silly, I know. I can be overly ambitious at times.

What I learned about myself is I am kinda ok slogging through work and I obviously want to do the best I can but I rather spend my time creating a well-oiled efficient army of minions to carry out my commands. How else am I supposed to rule the world?

Let me interrupt you reading here for a second. I have to say this before I forget. Glee is hilarious! Ok, done.

Well, there are 10 more days before October ends. Sometimes I wish I have someone to call and just talk about what’s really bothering me. Or even share some random interesting and amusing things I see daily without worrying if I am overdoing it. Maybe I think too much because I am secretly idealistic because I have issues about the past because I am just a … Maybe I need to go sleep now. But I’m free from deadlines which means I can sleep properly! At least for the next few days! Yay!

0

Absolutely dashing rockstar

I came home feeling dejected with how things are going at work. I genuinely love what I do but staring at the never-ending pile of work I have to do myself and having to force myself to proofread crappy copy is giving me a throbbing headache everyday… oh god, I don’t know how long I can hold onto my sanity for. Even my appetite ran away in disgust.

At this rate, I am doubtful to say I won’t break down any time soon because I am really gripping myself every time I open a word file and the incompetence I see is wearing down my willpower. Fast. Is there another word for “help” because somehow I don’t think the word sends you guys enough urgency about how much angst and fear I am buried under? HELP? Save me? Put on my best devoted face and trust that the skies will part now and angels will descend to shower me with perfumed petals and serenade me with their sweet melodious voices?

Ok, I waited a full minute. If the miracle didn’t happen, it’s only because I lack faith and positivity, right?

What?! It’s only Tuesday. Let me be. October is only halfway done with me before it spits me out like a tasteless rubbery piece of gum. No, seriously. I feel so drained even alcohol wouldn’t be enough to give me that irrational zest of life you get from drinking too much.

So I came home and looked through my old Moleskin diaries to find a life list I wrote four and a half years ago. Instead I found this self portrait sketch I drew when I was bored one day at work and I was feeling pretty awesome about myself that day. Like, what’s new right?

Absolutely dashing.

0

Smile and the whole world smiles with you

I am not a ball of fun and sunshine all the time, especially if you happen to observe me unaware going about my day. People have told me over the years and even as recent as last week that I look like I’m really pissed about something whenever I look at someone because I don’t smile. As you can quite imagine, then again why would you since you’re not me, I was puzzled. Puzzled to why there are people who can go about their lives without smiling, without being friendly, without having to bother about how people might feel around them and then there’s me.

So yes, those conversations affected me and not for the first time in my life, I told myself to just keep smiling again. At strangers. At friends. At people I know by name or face but not so well. At my family because, admit it, you and I do take them for granted most of the times.

Smiling doesn’t take much effort because it’s supposed to be therapeutic since it relaxes the face muscles, gives everyone a pleasant day, and more importantly, makes you feel good. But it’s not the easiest thing in the world when you look like the whole world’s burden is on your shoulders. Look, there is a point to this rambling. I’m just getting there.

I like to think no one can tell how I feel inside or what goes on in my head because I’m such a great actor. But that’s just plain toss. I’m not even an amateur actor by trade. Yesterday, for instance, I was full of anger. So much so I had angry tears the minute I lost control of myself somewhere in the middle of the day. I had lost my motivation to work somewhere around 9ish in the morning and I failed to curb the negative emotions so I simply spiralled downwards from that moment.

It was hard and ponderous to do the work I was required to do. It was difficult to not project my anger outwards because I could felt my voice wavering. I was this close to bursting into tears. It took every ounce of my self-control to tell myself to chill, breathe and not whine to anyone about what a little bitch life is becoming. I might have snapped at someone accidentally once but overall, I tried to maintain a sense of neutrality even though it’s killing me inside because I never believe in inflicting unnecessary troubles on people. They might have worries of their own so no one would have time to sit down listen to me and not judge me. Besides, it’s never attractive to be all doom and gloom. That’s me in a nutshell. I keep everything to myself and it’s unhealthy for my mental and emotional wellbeing. Trust me, I know.

It’s 5.05am as I’m writing this and I finally woke up bursting into tears, wondering how the hell I can get out of this frankly annoying depressive mode. Some of you might think I am being dramatic but considering how I haven’t judged you for having dark emotional days, it’s best you keep your opinions to yourself because I bet you whine more than I do and you’re still reading this when you could have closed the page.

Good news is I’m figuring out how to get past this stage because I could feel my heart literally tightening up whenever I think about the entire chain of events yesterday. It’s so easy to get yourself down, but so damn fracking hard to pick yourself up. Plus, this might all just be PMS talk so that’s like my free pass to ramble on a bit more. I feel calmer than I was 30 minutes ago. But I still have no desire to work even if I have to.

What can I say? Well, I’m my own counsellor, cheerleader and leading motivator.

Relax, everything is going to be fine. I just need to focus farther ahead on the beautiful life I would have in the near future and not begrudge the things that are currently out of my control. I can only work on myself, stay positive, do the best I can in everything and have faith in that the Universe will fix this for me someway somehow. Thank you and I will do my part and smile. Or maybe even grin 😀

0

How to piss me off

I’m so sick and tired of telling myself I’m okay with whatever you are doing and the next minute I get all worked up because you did something which seemed innocuous but instincts from my every pore tell me that you are definitely doing it on purpose.

At first, I tell myself you have the right to do whatever you want. After all, there’s nothing I can do if you wish to blatantly avoid me online. I can get mad all I want but I know I can’t question you about it because I have my life to lead and I’m not supposed to be ruffled by whatever silly scheme you have in mind anyway. But the anger I had earlier this evening was so so hard to let go. Do you know what I mean?

Thinking that we have progressed after the talk last week was clearly making me expect more when you are still the same old you. While I have nothing to hide, you were behaving as though you have everything to hide still. So much for being truthful to each other. This agitation is getting on my own nerves but I don’t know where else I can focus my emotions and attention on.

Anyway I’m glad I had mates who helped me keep my head intact. That’s one less outburst from me in this lifetime. “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” –Chinese Proverb