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I’m not saying I hate you

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In fact, I’d even get the best seat in the house to watch you BURN. You get the drift…

My friend said I should just ditch idiots who make me unhappy, because life is too short to spend so much time being angry and miserable. Utter truth!

I had three conversations with three different people today and they all said the same things. The gist of our highly intelligent, wise and mature debate (well, it was more of me ranting non-stop while they listened and gave me advice) is that we don’t need unnecessary drama in our lives.

If people choose to be selfish and childish, then there is absolutely no reason why we should indulge them further. We should let them go and cut them loose forever to allow ourselves to grow and be better than them. We shouldn’t even stoop to their level because we are way above them and they are simply basic bitches that deserve the worse things in life.

Plus, I had been stewing in anger for the past six hours, while those idiots were probably enjoying their lives and ignoring my existence. See, how unfair this is? Because of my foolish anger, I let my productivity slide when I could have done so many things during those lost hours. This is why harbouring anger never pays off.

Today’s event also teaches me a lesson. It is that I can be very vindictive and behave very rashly whenever I get angry. I let my emotions take over and become very unreasonable. This is extremely unhealthy and I’ll most likely get a brain aneurism if I continue to let unhappy thoughts flood my mind. So I need to chill the fuck out and let things go already!

Conclusion: I need to change my mindset and behaviour towards people who do not deserve my respect, because my health deserves my utmost attention and I, more than anyone else, deserve to be happy!

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Happy Mother’s Day from me to you


(Oscars 2014: Watch Jared Leto’s Amazing Acceptance Speech for Supporting Actor)

I’m about two months late, but I’ve been meaning to post this since the night I watched it. And it’s a happy coincidence, seeing as it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow, this is a wonderful dedication.

I first read about it on my social media feeds, then I went home to watch the video of Jared Leto accepting his award. I’m unabashed to say my eyes welled up when he looked at his mother.

Here’s an excerpt from Time.com:

In 1971, in Bossier City, Louisiana, there was a teenage girl who was pregnant with her second child. She was a high-school dropout and a single mom, but somehow she managed to make a better life for herself and her children. She encouraged her kids to be creative and work hard and do something special. That girl was my mother and she’s here tonight. I just want to say ‘I love you mom, thank you for teaching me to dream.’

I got goosebumps just reading his speech again. One day when I’m up on stage accepting an award, I would want to also dedicate it to an amazing woman who went through hardships and made sacrifices just so I would always have a roof over my head and a home to go back when I grew disillusioned with life outside. She did everything and asked for nothing in return, all because I was her child. Mothers are amazing, aren’t they?

I also like how Leto weaved social responsibility and political support for current events into his short, yet meaningful, speech.

To all the dreamers out there around the world watching this tonight in places like Ukraine and Venezuela, I want to to say we are here, and as you struggle to make your dreams happen and live the impossible, we are thinking of you tonight … This is for the 36 million people who have lost the battle to AIDS. And to those of you who have ever felt injustice because of who you are and who you love, I stand here in front of the world with you and for you.

I wonder if he had to pre-write a draft or it came naturally to him amid all the blood-rushing-to-head adrenaline and excitement of winning the first Oscar of that night. If it was the latter, then he must be damn intelligent and thoughtful! I am definitely going to model my acceptance speeches after him from now so they can be as amazing, thoughtful and heartfelt as his!

Source: Jared Leto’s amazing speech at the Oscars 2014

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I love you but not in that way

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Have you ever experienced something this — when someone tells you that they think they love you or they think they are in love with you or they are falling in love with you or they will always love you or they really love you but just not in that way? I mean, just how many variations of “I love you” can there actually be? Should loving someone be a simple and straightforward thing?

But no, some people just have to complicate matters. I’ve encountered all of the above scenarios before with different people at different points of my life. And there was one common denominator for each of them, which was it all became equally puzzling for me whenever it happened.

Maybe I really don’t know what love is. Maybe love is still one giant mystery to me. Maybe love is really complex than what I expect it to be. Wow, I should really be a songwriter. Totally nailed it.

I never really ponder beyond this complex mystery though, because I had better things to do. Haha! Then years come and go. And this issue came to the forefront of my mind only after I happened to catch one episode of Gossip Girl few weeks ago. Ahem. It was really an accident.

I’ve stopped watching Gossip Girl ages ago. It was probably halfway through season two, I believe. It became too draggy and overly nonsensical for my liking. No matter how hot I think Chuck and Blair are, I couldn’t bring myself to watch the episodes anymore. Until that day when I let the TV play for background noise and decided to watch it.

It was episode 17 of season five, The Princess Dowry and this particular scene caught my full attention.

Chuck: Because I love you.
Blair: And I love you. I always will. But that doesn’t mean I’m in love with you. At least not right now, not the way you need me to be, not the way you deserve. I’m sorry. I have to go.

I swear I could feel Chuck’s heart breaking. It was probably less painful than getting stabbed or shot in the heart. I’ve never been shot or stabbed, but I have a feeling that these are far worst than a heartbreak (but far better than childbirth, naturally).

Someone once said something similar during a conversation with me. She said she still loves her ex, but she’s not in love with him like how she’s in love with me, if my memory serves me correctly. It has all became very vague recently. Then when we broke up, she said she will always love me, but… (There’s always a but in such circumstances. Why?!) … But she wanted a different life that I did not fit in with. Sad, huh? I remained devastated for a very, very long time.

So what does it mean if I still love someone that way and I have never stopped loving her at all this whole time? A loser? A fool? A romantic? Hahaha!

Blair: I’m here because it’s time I was honest with you. I love you. I’m in love with you. I have tried to kill it, to run away from it, but I can’t and I don’t want to anymore.

(Episode 24 of season five, “The Return of The Ring”)

Quotes were taken from chuckandblair.org

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Laughter is the best drug

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Two or three weeks ago, I happened to turn on the TV one morning and an episode from Sex And The City was already playing halfway. I immediately settled down to watch it, because I secretly adore the show, even though I won’t tell anyone about it!

It was the second episode of the first season, so everything looked retro, even though it was only 1998 then. But it was still hilarious. It was about beautiful people, aka models, and whether dating them is a privilege or a chore (more like death sentence the way how it was portrayed in the show). And how less beautiful people, aka 99% of ordinary average-looking human beings, behave differently (feel insecure?) when they are around models. Hence, the title Models and Mortals.

The ending was particularly sweet. It was a conversation between Carrie Bradshaw and her Mr Big at the usual cafe that she writes her columns at.

Carrie typing on her laptop (VoiceOver): “I began to realise that being beautiful is like having a rent-controlled apartment overlooking the park — Completely unfair and usually bestowed upon those who deserve it least.”

Mr Big [walks into the cafe and slides into the booth where Carrie is at]: “I’m not interrupting your work, am I?”

Carrie: “Hey, what a surprise.”

Mr Big: “I can’t stay. I’m late for a meeting, but I’ve been thinking about your article on men who date models.”

Carrie: “What about them?”

Mr Big: “First of all, there are so many goddamn gorgeous women in this city.”

Carrie: “What an amazing observation.”

Mr Big: “But the thing is this … after a while, you just wanna be with the one that makes you laugh. Know what I mean?”

And Carrie couldn’t stop smiling after that. I guess she knew what Big meant? I didn’t really get the reference Carrie used in the beginning of the scene about the rent-controlled apartment. Maybe it’s a New York thing.

Anyway, my takeaway from this is that laughter is good. Being with someone who makes you laugh is better. Being able to laugh at the same things with that someone is even better. Being able to laugh at each other all the time? Now that’s gold.

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Nothing makes me happier

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Nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder … than you.

It’s true. I haven’t felt right for a long time. It’s nearly 1.5 or two years… The past few days I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind, as I recalled the conversation we used to have. Oh well, let’s move on. I can only feel ’emo’ for this long. Besides, this quote is applicable for my studies and shopping purchases as you will read below…

I can’t believe I haven’t blogged for close to a month. In my defence, I was swamped with work and studies, though there’s nothing to crow about, since I will most likely not get any first-class honours. It’d be a miracle if I do receive high distinctions for my papers. Still, my fingers will remain crossed. After all, I’m always lucky. You never know…

Also, in spite of my busy schedule, I found time to go on a shopping spree, which was therapeutic, but certainly not cheaper than getting a massage or spa treatment. In fact, I might need to see a therapist after this. You know how it is when your friends show off their shopping goodies and you’d tut-tut at them for spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on branded clothes, bags and shoes (and sometimes they’d be broke after that)? And then you would exclaim how you would never spend that much money on such materialistic items, because you are absolutely confident that you can find cheaper and equally nice substitutes? Yup, I’ve become one of those people you’d tut-tut at for spending ridiculous amounts of dough on luxury goods. Now I know why Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City goes crazy over expensive branded shoes. I totally get you now, Carrie.

I swear I’m not a brand whore, BUT … The stuff I buy are really, really nice, because I have excellent taste and fabulous dress sense. Ahem. Anyway, I’m lazy to post pictures; you just gotta trust me on this. I highly recommend everyone to buy ridiculously expensive clothes and shoes, because they are really comfortable. And the quality is absolutely topnotch — so good you know for certain it will probably outlast your lifespan. Say, you slip your feet in well-crafted exquisitely soft leather shoes, you’d immediately feel like “Ah… This is what a good life should be.”

Once you buy your first pair of $500-700 luxury shoes, you’ll wonder why have you spent half of your life without them. And the next thing you know… You’re signing a credit card slip for a $1,200-worth pair of shoes. Yup, by the time you reach home, you’re still in a daze from the swiftness of that transaction, but you are also gleeful of how good you look in the mirror. Then when you add the cost of the branded shirts and bottoms to the shoes, you’d realise your outfit from head to toe is probably worth around $1,000 or more, which would shock you for like five seconds and then you’d quickly put it out of your mind. Because you’re thinking of your next purchase. True story.

The only thing I haven’t splurged on is bags, because I have a specific requirement for them. But I have my eye on a few items already… So don’t be surprised if you see me on the streets looking like a million bucks one day; my outfit would probably have cost that much. Hahaha!

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Past lovers

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I’d like to think it’s true, since for some strange cosmic reason, I’m never friends with any of my exes. I tried once or twice and it didn’t work out well. Maybe they’re still in love with me, but I highly doubt it, because it’s more to do with me putting zero percent effort in staying in touch.

There are times when I can be so aloof and cold towards people I no longer have affection for that it’s scary for those who like me. Hell, I don’t even like the way I behave towards people sometimes. I can be so bewildering unemotional that I scare myself whenever I think about it.

My friend Erica once said this of me, which I’ve kindly summarised for you: “I’m so unpredictable that people are scared to be friends with me, because they never know when I will be hot or cold towards them. So even though they want to develop a friendship with me, I would never allow them to come close to me.”

One of my exes said something similar to me after an argument. She said I had a wall so high that when she tried breaking it down (or scale over), I kept findings ways to prevent her from doing so and one day she would eventually get tired of trying. Long story short, she did stop trying. That was mainly because I had a self-destructive streak in me which made me believe that I had to try all ways possible to make someone jump through blazing hoops to prove they truly love me and would never leave me, no matter what destructive behaviour I exhibit. Sick huh? I know. The 2013 me is a new and improved version of that 2008-9 defective me.

I had a similar conversation with this another girl who was truly in love with me (I think… Even though she was with someone else at that time), but the 2010 me refused to give her a proper chance, because I didn’t think she was right for me, so I subconsciously declined her advances. I mean, if she could cheat on her partner with me, the likelihood of her cheating on me when we do get together would be really high. First, I wouldn’t trust her and my insecurity would be obvious in my behaviour, which would have made things unpleasant between us. Plus, I wouldn’t want my karma debt to go further into deficit.

It’s weird how karma works, doesn’t it? How the things/misdeeds I did to others were repeated on me. Like I accidentally took this novel my ex-girlfriend loaned me because she wanted me to read one of her favourite books. Shortly after, we broke up and I never had a chance to return it to her. So it’s been on my bookshelf for the past four years and I still haven’t read a single page of it. Maybe I should message her on Facebook soon and see if I could post it back to her.

Why have I brought this up? Because the exact same situation happened to me recently. I loaned my favourite Kokology book to this former love of mine, because she loves it and I wanted to make her happy because I thought we’d be together forever. So in a way, I was renting it to her. Alas, we broke up months later and I never had the chance to get that book back.

Karma sucks. The end.

If two past lovers can remain friends, it’s either they were never in love or they still are.

I’m just going to console myself by thinking that all my exes are somehow in one way or another secretly in love with me, because through knowing and loving me I have inexplicably changed their lives for the better. I’m a life-changer. They just don’t know it yet.

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Obsessing over Jaime and Julie

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Photo credit: The Internet

These past few days weeks I’ve been obsessing over two really, really hot female celebrities who are best friends IRL. They flirt, squabble, tease, laugh and are so close that I (plus all the fangirls/sci-fi geeks/nerdsbians over the world) really think that they should get married and walk off into the sunset. That’s how insanely good they look together. /me swoons and fans self.

I’ve been following their Twitter feeds, their fans’ Tumblr, Vine and YouTube (sometimes Pinterest) links and I still can’t get enough of Jaime Murray and Julie Benz. That’s how addicted I am to both of them as of 1 September 2013. It should be illegal for anyone to be so incredibly beautiful, funny, genuine, intelligent, snarky and gay-friendly at the same time. /me cannot stop hyperventilating and drool.

Because of Jaime and Julie (yeah, we are on a first-name basis now), I’ve recently learned new words like “nerdsbians”, “fangirls”, “fangirling”, “trolling”, “shtako” and, not forgetting, “squeee”. Argh, so hot!

Is it socially acceptable to cancel on friends at the very last minute just to stay home to google and refresh the shit out of the inter-webs just so I can gaze/watch/sigh at new tweets/pictures/videos of Jaime and Julie? Because that’s what I did yesterday and I have no ounce of regret or remorse. I didn’t even care what was on TV; I just wanted more Jaime info. I didn’t even want to start writing my business proposal which was time-critical, because Jaime > work.

You know there’s a game where out of three people, you choose to either marry, fuck and kill them? I’d so marry and fuck Jaime and kill everyone who gets in my way. That’s how massive my crush is for her right now!

And then I read about how she loves her lesbians for being “so intelligent and snarky” and how she graciously accepted her coronation as the Queen of Unicorns (and dragons) and how she even helped a girl propose to her girlfriend in front of the audience at Dragon Con. Oh and that Brit accent and caustic wit. Can she be anymore perfect? /me continues to swoon.

NB: The only thing that could make this even more awesome than it already is would be that Jaime has a gorgeous gay partner in real life. Omg that would be my fantasies come true! Make it happen, somebody!