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Think less, do more

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I was going slightly crazy the past few days and was about to hit the panic button to anyone willing to listen. Then I realised it was no longer appropriate to feel any more invested than I already am. Letting go is making sure you keep moving forward.

My friend asked me: ‘Why are you still not over it yet?’

Frankly, I have no answer to that. I don’t think it’s my ego or my self-esteem that is holding on to whatever that is no longer there. I’ve been through the five stages of grief and I am no longer as angry and devastated as I was two years ago. Maybe I am finally moving on to the acceptance stage.

Yes, I have been willing to move on and accept that change is going to happen. But then sometimes memories would flood back without warning and I’d get choked up. And I’d regress and have to start the moving-on process all over again. Because it’s incredibly hard to let go of someone who you think is the other half that fits you completely.

So it’s been really tough, because there are times when I have this genuine fear come rushing all over me like a cold chill and that I would discover new pain to hurt myself with. It’s a constant effort to keep telling myself it’s ok and to forcibly block myself from seeing or reading things that might affect me. Which also explains why I have not logged on to Facebook or other social media sites for prolonged period.

It’s a conscious process to keep telling myself to put ME first and above all else, while controlling my emotions. I’ve been so good at it that this girl, who I used to be really close with, said: ‘The wall around you is so high now that no one will ever be able to tear it down.’

Maybe I am terrified to face the unknown, because I was so certain that you are the one for me and I kept hoping beyond hope that you will finally realise it one day.

How silly of me, right?

It shouldn’t matter if you’re happier or doing better than me or that you’ve moved on and found someone new. We are two different people after all. I can’t stop you from forgetting what we have shared and been through.

I can only stop wasting so much energy thinking about you and devote more time to healing my wounds. I can’t hold on to you or my feelings for you any more.

So yes, I have to think less and do more. Very apt, don’t you think?

We met for a reason. You were either a blessing or a lesson.

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You’ve got the sweetest ass in the world

When I first heard this line on the comedy ‘Wedding Band’, it made me laugh out loud and I immediately thought of an ass whom I’ve missed greatly. Maybe she will never know, but this is a cheeky tribute to her extremely fair, perky buttocks whose tender round cheeks I missed aiming a bite at.

Cheesy lyrics trying to rhyme, a catchy tune and pumping dance beats that you can shake your butt twice at… What’s not to love about this song?!

I hear your voice when none was around

I’m still here and I’m losing ground

Feel like the earth move under my feet

I feel you in every single heartbeat

You are a lovely, lovely refrain

You spin around and round in my brain

But today, mostly, I am feeling pensive and the weather has been reflecting my mood — dark clouds, heavy downpour, chilly winds — and watching romantic films like ‘Notting Hill’ (even though it’s also listed as a comedy) with quotes like below only makes it worse.

There’s this girl … She’s someone I just can’t — someone who … self-evidently can’t be mine — and it’s as if I’ve taken love-heroin — and now I can’t even have it again. I’ve opened Pandora’s box. And there’s trouble inside.

The truth is … with you, I’m in real danger. It’d look like a perfect situation, apart from that foul temper of yours — but my relatively inexperienced heart would, I fear, not recover if I was once again … cast aside, which I would absolutely expect to be … You’d go and I’d be … well, buggered, basically.

[Lyrics via http://www.lyricsforsong.net/]

[Script via Awesomefilm.com]

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Tom Ford and Richard Buckley Forever

Tom Ford and the love of his life

I was researching the Internet for a marketing assignment I am doing when I came across this headline ‘Tom Ford is a father!’ and I immediately clicked on it. Obviously.

As it turns out, the feted fashion designer, 51, and his long-term partner Richard Buckley (pictured left, if you don’t know who Ford is), 64, has a new baby son recently. But that’s not the amazing part of the story. The most amazing part of it is that Ford has been in a relationship with Buckley for the past 25 years. That’s a relationship that is only slightly younger than me! How awesome is that?!

So I continued reading the article and it brought me to another link to where the original story was taken from: Out.com. And the recollections from Ford and Buckley on how they felt when they first saw each other, how they were both ready to settle down, fall in love, and how they are growing old together was so beautifully written that my eyes were moist by the time I finished reading it. I know, what’s up with my emotions the older I grow, right?! HAHA!

The couple met when Ford was just 25 (and a nobody then) and Buckley, the former editor-in-chief of Vogue Hommes International, was 38. And how their love began and continues to stay strong is a heart-warming story.

Tom Ford, designer:
You can look at someone and feel like you’ve known him forever. The first night I ever had drinks with Richard I felt I knew everything about him…

We first encountered each other at a fashion show in New York in 1986. He was confident and handsome in a way that made him almost unapproachable. His stare was so intense that it completely unnerved me, and when the show was over I literally bolted out the door and down the street to avoid him.

Ten days later, my employer, Cathy Hardwick, sent me to the office of Women’s Wear Daily to retrieve some clothes. I was directed to the roof where they were being photographed, and as the elevator opened, there was the man with the eyes the color of water…

He was adorable, and he was a complete fool. He was sort of dancing around, flashing his eyes at me, and trying so hard to be charming. I decided in that elevator ride that I was going to marry him. I’m very pragmatic, and I was, like, OK, there’s some kind of connection here. He ticked every box, and — boom — by the time we got to the floor, I was like, OK, sold.

He seemed so together. He was so handsome, he was so connected, he was so grown-up, so he was very intimidating. And he really chased me — not that he had to chase that hard. It excited me but it also scared me, because I knew he was different and that whatever it was I felt with him was very different from what I’d felt before.

Now, we say it [I love you] to each other every night before we go to sleep, and we say it at the end of every telephone conversation, and we write it at the end of every e-mail. Every time you think, I love you, I really believe you have to say it. If you think about holding their hand or kissing them, you do it. I do it all the time.

Getting older together has been interesting because we’ve both changed. I was very quiet at the beginning of our relationship — I’m actually a very, extremely, almost pathologically shy person, which no one believes today, because I have also mastered a work/public façade that takes an enormous amount of energy to project. And Richard, when we first got together, was very, very social and very talkative.. but meeting us today you would think the opposite.

One of the things that always amuses me — amuses isn’t even the right word, because it doesn’t amuse me — but often, I’m at dinner parties with very close friends, straight, and they realize that Richard and I have been together 24 years, and the response is often, ‘Wow, you guys have been together 24 years! That’s so amazing. I don’t think of gay men being together that long.’ And I’m, like, ‘Why? What are you talking about?’ Some of the longest relationships I know of are same-sex couples. A lot of my straight friends have married and divorced and married and divorced in the time Richard and I have been together.

I’m someone who likes being part of a couple and always wanted that and always sought that, and it would probably be true for me whether I was gay or straight.

Richard and I are bound together, and I think that’s what that recognition is when you look someone in the eyes and you feel like you’ve known them forever. It is a kind of coming home.

Richard Buckley, writer:

The whole time down in the elevator I was babbling on like a schoolgirl… I was shamelessly flirting with this boy. He, meanwhile, said nothing, and the quieter he was, the sillier I became.

For our first date… Tom sat there chit-chatting: ‘And in 10 years I’m going to be showing my own collection in Paris, and I’m going to be a millionaire, and I’m going to do this, and I’m going to do that.’ And I kept thinking, This guy is really naive. But as we talked about other things, it was almost like seeing down a rabbit hole. I felt like I was looking at his eyes, and it was just spinning around and taking me down inside him. I could see he was a good man with a big heart.

I couldn’t imagine being without Tom now. I couldn’t imagine what I’d be like if something happened to him. There’s only one Tom for me. He is still that man who I met 24 years ago, who has a good heart.

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Love is knowing who’s the boss

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My first thought when I look at this quote was: ‘Is this why I kept giving in to you all the time??’

HAHAHA! I felt very amused, so I took a photo of it when I was at the art museum (I love visiting art museums by the way). Then I remember how you’d always say that I’m bossy one, because I’d make sure we do things the right way like you have to eat proper meals or you shouldn’t rub your eyes or I must tuck you in bed so you can sleep well or you must eat your medicine or you should do this or that in a certain way …

And you’d tell me that I should let you do what you like even if it could be wrong, because it’s your choice and I can’t always ‘micromanage’ everything.

Then I’d tell you I do all these, because I care for you and want the best for you all the time. I’d explain to you cheerfully like: ‘If I don’t love you, I wouldn’t worry about you at all.’ And you’d roll your eyes in a ‘yah, right’ way. And I’d look sheepishly at you. Ha!

Sometimes when you’re in a good mood, you would say that I’m very caring or I’m very ‘motherly’. And I would roll my eyes and look sheepishly at you.

Then recently I realised I occasionally behave like this to almost everyone. Maybe I am a natural worrier and I feel responsible for most people’s well-being. Like that day I saw someone rubbing her eyes with her dirty hands and I insisted and nagged that she should wash them or her eyes would be infected and she might go blind until she relented. Or if I know someone hasn’t eaten, I’d nag non-stop at them to go eat something. Or when my friend lost her mobile phone in a cab and hadn’t done anything to retrieve it, I kept asking her to call the cab company and her phone until she gave in. Yes, I know… Bad habit.

Or how when I have meals with people, I would make sure everyone has enough to eat and would eat lesser so everyone has more. And I would keep telling everyone to take more food. Seriously! What’s wrong with me, right?!

I should really chill and let everyone, including the one I love, do whatever they like in any way they want, even if I think it’s better to do it my way. Haha!

Everyone should have a chance to make their own mistakes and I shouldn’t deprive them of that learning experience. Also, I guess if I don’t like my mum nagging at me all the time, why would other people want me to nag at them?!

So yes, I’m gonna stay cool from now on and let the world be. No one needs to know how caring or responsible or motherly or naggy or bossy I really am.

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The notebook

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I watched this movie once with someone. I remember it was a weekend afternoon and we were snuggling in bed when we turned on the TV. She told me it was her favourite film, but her sister didn’t like it. I never really understood why until I watched it last night.

I teared when the old couple started slow dancing and professing their love for one another when she regained her memory briefly. And I teared again nearing the ending when the old man climbed in bed with the love of his life and both of them looked prepared to be with each other in life and to leave together in death. It was heartbreaking.

One day, I hope to write a love story as beautiful as this for someone special. Oh, wait… I did wrote something similar… Two books in fact. Heh.

Anyway, here are some quotes that captured my emotions (and quite possibly, the chronological story of our entwined lives?):

“Every great love starts with a great story…”

“Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can’t control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That’s what it was like for me. I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once, and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget a single moment of it.”

“She was my dream. She made me who I am, and holding her in my arms was more natural to me than my own heartbeat. I think about her all the time. Even now, when I’m sitting here, I think about her. There could never have been another.”

“They didn’t agree on much. In fact, they didn’t agree on anything. They fought all the time and challenged each other ever day. But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other.”

“You are the answer to every prayer I’ve offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper, and I don’t know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have.”

“You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together.”

“I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I’ve ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.”

“I’ll be anything you want, just tell me what you want and I’ll be that.”

“I couldn’t sleep last night because I know that it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I’ll be seeing you.”

“The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we’ve lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we’ve found each other. And maybe each time, we’ve been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.”

“When I look at you, I see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. And I know I have spent every life before this on searching for you. Not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. And then, for a reason neither of us understand, we’ve been forced to say goodbye.

 I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and I promise to do all I can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, I know we will see each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we’ve had before.”

“You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.”

“Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants. Stop thinking
about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do you want?”

“Sometimes we need to be apart to understand just how much we truly love each other.”

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day. You and me… every day.”

― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Wherever you are, that’s where my home is.

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Drink less, work more

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Gina Rinehart, world’s richest woman, wrote: ‘Do something to make more money yourself.’ (Photo: AFP/File, Tony Ashby)

I read this article few days ago and I thought it was one of the most useful inspirational pieces someone who’s striving to be a success in life can take as motivation.

Writing in an industry magazine column, the world’s richest woman, Australian mining tycoon Gina Rinehart, urged those envious of the wealthy to do something about it, and stop whining.

Rinehart is the matriarch of her family iron ore prospecting fortune of US$30.1 billion, which also makes her Australia’s wealthiest person.

“There is no monopoly on becoming a millionaire,” she wrote.

“If you’re jealous of those with more money, don’t just sit there and complain. Do something to make more money yourself — spend less time drinking or smoking and socialising, and more time working.

“Become one of those people who work hard, invest and build, and at the same time create employment and opportunities for others.”

Other people (they’re probably myopic) have slammed her supposedly controversial remarks, but I think her words made absolute sense. And the fact that she has multiplied her family fortune to where it is now only enhances the value of her advice. Priceless.

I truly believe that if someone has perfectly functional limbs and mental intelligence, then they should work hard for what they want, instead of begrudging the government or the society or the environment or the people around them for not serving everything on a platter to them. Agree?

Those, who have been protesting that Rinehart should share her wealth with the poor, should just shut up. How would you like it if you were told to donate half your salary to poor strangers you don’t know every month? Don’t argue that you have less money than her. It’s a matter of perspective.

Giive Rinehart the benefit… She probably does her fair share of charity work and just hasn’t publicise every single activity, unlike other publicity seeking organisations that have to advertise every dollar they donate.

Remember, there’s no monopoly in earning your first million dollars.

Rinehart, you’ve got a supporter in me!

P/S: If your kids insist on taking you to court over the trust fund and you’re thinking of disowning them, I’m available for adoption. Ahem.

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We’re fated to be together

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I have been nursing a hangover in bed the whole day, accompanied by Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley and the whole magical school of wizardry Hogwarts.

Then I decided to take a break from the Harry Potter weekend marathon and switched channels to catch Teen Wolf instead. So glad I did.

It was the TV series’ season two finale ‘Master Plan’ and amid all the action and drama, there was a scene that caught my attention.

The two young lovers Scott and Allison are shown sitting in her bedroom and coming to terms with the traumatising incident they experienced earlier when her grandfather tried to become a werewolf to cure his cancer and kill her at the same time.

Allison: ‘I’m sorry… I’m sorry for everything I have ever done to you…’

Scott: ‘It’s ok.’

Allison: ‘I’m trying to break up with you. How is that okay?’ (she starts tearing.)

Scott: ‘Because I can wait.’

Allison: ‘I can’t make you wait for me. I’m not going to do that.’

Scott: ‘You don’t have to, because I know we’re going to be together.’

Allison: ‘There’s no such thing as fate.’

Scott: ‘There’s no such thing as werewolves [either].’ (he smiles at her.)

And they kiss for the last time ever, with him resolutely believing that she will come back to him eventually, while she looks torn that she might have made the wrong decision.

The same situation happened to me once, not too long ago. Oh, how my heart broke then and many times since.

There has always been a part of me deep down that truly believes that we are meant to be and that our fates are entwined with each other. If you read my blog the past two and a half years, you’d have noticed that I’ve been writing about this same person and how much I’ve loved her and how I’ve felt for her since we met.

She makes me laugh, she makes me cry, she drives me crazy at times. Yet, when I think of her, the world always seems a better place to be in at that moment. There’s so much more I can say, but I don’t think words can really describe how I feel for her.

If only she felt the same about me… My life would be complete. But it’s okay. I can wait, because I know we are going to be together. 🙂