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I love you but not in that way

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Have you ever experienced something this — when someone tells you that they think they love you or they think they are in love with you or they are falling in love with you or they will always love you or they really love you but just not in that way? I mean, just how many variations of “I love you” can there actually be? Should loving someone be a simple and straightforward thing?

But no, some people just have to complicate matters. I’ve encountered all of the above scenarios before with different people at different points of my life. And there was one common denominator for each of them, which was it all became equally puzzling for me whenever it happened.

Maybe I really don’t know what love is. Maybe love is still one giant mystery to me. Maybe love is really complex than what I expect it to be. Wow, I should really be a songwriter. Totally nailed it.

I never really ponder beyond this complex mystery though, because I had better things to do. Haha! Then years come and go. And this issue came to the forefront of my mind only after I happened to catch one episode of Gossip Girl few weeks ago. Ahem. It was really an accident.

I’ve stopped watching Gossip Girl ages ago. It was probably halfway through season two, I believe. It became too draggy and overly nonsensical for my liking. No matter how hot I think Chuck and Blair are, I couldn’t bring myself to watch the episodes anymore. Until that day when I let the TV play for background noise and decided to watch it.

It was episode 17 of season five, The Princess Dowry and this particular scene caught my full attention.

Chuck: Because I love you.
Blair: And I love you. I always will. But that doesn’t mean I’m in love with you. At least not right now, not the way you need me to be, not the way you deserve. I’m sorry. I have to go.

I swear I could feel Chuck’s heart breaking. It was probably less painful than getting stabbed or shot in the heart. I’ve never been shot or stabbed, but I have a feeling that these are far worst than a heartbreak (but far better than childbirth, naturally).

Someone once said something similar during a conversation with me. She said she still loves her ex, but she’s not in love with him like how she’s in love with me, if my memory serves me correctly. It has all became very vague recently. Then when we broke up, she said she will always love me, but… (There’s always a but in such circumstances. Why?!) … But she wanted a different life that I did not fit in with. Sad, huh? I remained devastated for a very, very long time.

So what does it mean if I still love someone that way and I have never stopped loving her at all this whole time? A loser? A fool? A romantic? Hahaha!

Blair: I’m here because it’s time I was honest with you. I love you. I’m in love with you. I have tried to kill it, to run away from it, but I can’t and I don’t want to anymore.

(Episode 24 of season five, “The Return of The Ring”)

Quotes were taken from chuckandblair.org

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Laughter is the best drug

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Two or three weeks ago, I happened to turn on the TV one morning and an episode from Sex And The City was already playing halfway. I immediately settled down to watch it, because I secretly adore the show, even though I won’t tell anyone about it!

It was the second episode of the first season, so everything looked retro, even though it was only 1998 then. But it was still hilarious. It was about beautiful people, aka models, and whether dating them is a privilege or a chore (more like death sentence the way how it was portrayed in the show). And how less beautiful people, aka 99% of ordinary average-looking human beings, behave differently (feel insecure?) when they are around models. Hence, the title Models and Mortals.

The ending was particularly sweet. It was a conversation between Carrie Bradshaw and her Mr Big at the usual cafe that she writes her columns at.

Carrie typing on her laptop (VoiceOver): “I began to realise that being beautiful is like having a rent-controlled apartment overlooking the park — Completely unfair and usually bestowed upon those who deserve it least.”

Mr Big [walks into the cafe and slides into the booth where Carrie is at]: “I’m not interrupting your work, am I?”

Carrie: “Hey, what a surprise.”

Mr Big: “I can’t stay. I’m late for a meeting, but I’ve been thinking about your article on men who date models.”

Carrie: “What about them?”

Mr Big: “First of all, there are so many goddamn gorgeous women in this city.”

Carrie: “What an amazing observation.”

Mr Big: “But the thing is this … after a while, you just wanna be with the one that makes you laugh. Know what I mean?”

And Carrie couldn’t stop smiling after that. I guess she knew what Big meant? I didn’t really get the reference Carrie used in the beginning of the scene about the rent-controlled apartment. Maybe it’s a New York thing.

Anyway, my takeaway from this is that laughter is good. Being with someone who makes you laugh is better. Being able to laugh at the same things with that someone is even better. Being able to laugh at each other all the time? Now that’s gold.

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It’s okay if you haven’t achieved anything yet

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So I opened my Feedly app and this image and headline was the cover page of the day’s top news. With over 700 “shares” for this article, there must be plenty of people feeling the same way as I do. Coincidence? I think not.

According to a Facebook employee, you don’t have to achieve everything when you’re young. That’s a relief because I was getting worried about my lack of stellar achievements in my 30 years on earth.

It’s true what Anthony Sharwood said on news.com.au: If you don’t have the most happening career and the most Twitter followers and the greatest this and the most excellent that, you might start to look at all your successful friends and wonder ‘Why isn’t my life like that?’. And then you might begin to feel pretty down on yourself.

If you’re sighing sorrowfully now like me, the following might just change your entire perspective for the better. Kejia Zhu is a 29-year-old guy who was born in China. He grew up in the UK and now lives in America. Here’s what the Facebook employee has to say about the pursuit of success in his blog post:

“Do you sometimes lie awake worrying that you aren’t succeeding fast enough? Are you tortured by younger peers who have global businesses, penned acclaimed books and a string of iron-man medals? Do you count down the years until you can no longer make the 30 under 30 list? Take a deep breath. My 92 year old grandpa has some advice for you.

“He is a tremendously accomplished individual and considered by many to be a pioneer in biomedical engineering. I visited him in Beijing recently. We were taking an after dinner stroll. I was pestering him for details about his career, looking for tidbits that might help my own. What was he like at my age? How did he work? Is there a secret a routine? He stops me mid-sentence: ‘You know, my career only really took off after I turned 58.’

“Hang on, what?

‘Yes, I’d say the 10 years between my 60s and 70s were my busiest.’

“I was floored. Here is a man who helped revolutionise medical technology and he did it in his twilight years.”

Kejia’s grandfather had gone through various hardships in China, because of the political turmoil and World War II. He found success only in the late 1970s.

“My grandpa’s story made me reflect upon the worship of youthful achievement and our drive to get it all so early in life. I, like many other insecure overachievers, feel an urgency to do big things. Deep down I know this anxiety is root in fear. That I’m not actually any good. That I will waste my shot at life and be a disappointment. So I strive for a quick success because I need to validate my worth. After that I can relax and everything will be plain sailing. Right? Instead, this warped expectation more often leads me to behave in a manner that’s unsustainable and counterproductive.

“It’s easy to forget that our careers extend for decades beyond our 20s and 30s. The truth is significant works usually take a long time. Whether it’s business, academia or the arts, most of the contributions made have been the result of many years of toil. It’s just that we hear of the young overnight success because that’s a more attractive narrative. Even then, those rare few who achieve a lot early in life do not simply stop. The race doesn’t end with the win.

“My grandpa had no choice but to wait a long time for his opportunity. It’s likely he would have achieved even more had be moved to the West. However, had he missed his moment, I dare say he would still have had a fulfilling life. Without the acclaim and recognition he’d still be the jovial, curious and industrious man I love.

“His advice to me: ‘Don’t be in so much of a rush. Be easier on yourself. Comparing yourself to what others are doing is a waste of time.'”

Kejia’s grandfather dispenses one last morsel of wisdom—an old Chinese saying “大器晚成” that roughly translates to “A big construction is always completed late.”

Encouraging, huh? If you had been holding your breath and worrying yourself sick this whole time wondering if you will ever get to the metaphorical “top”, you may exhale now. Take a chill pill and be patient.

Something else Kejia said to news.com.au struck a chord in me:

“It feels like I was part of the generation groomed to feel like they could and should achieve everything. I, for one, have been anxious about living up to this expectation and could see many of my peers felt the same, though it was never talked about. …

“Despite some early successes, I feel rather unremarkable here, which is a good thing. I wanted to be in a position, where I could feel like a rookie and soak up the learning. I do think that the high achievement-driven attitude that fuels this area has a negative impact on people’s expectations of themselves.”

You know what the moral of this blog post is, don’t you? Don’t fret over whether you’re the smarter than everyone else or if you’re way ahead in the rat race. Just know what you want in life and do things in your own time and trust that the universe will do the rest.

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Nothing makes me happier

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Nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder … than you.

It’s true. I haven’t felt right for a long time. It’s nearly 1.5 or two years… The past few days I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind, as I recalled the conversation we used to have. Oh well, let’s move on. I can only feel ’emo’ for this long. Besides, this quote is applicable for my studies and shopping purchases as you will read below…

I can’t believe I haven’t blogged for close to a month. In my defence, I was swamped with work and studies, though there’s nothing to crow about, since I will most likely not get any first-class honours. It’d be a miracle if I do receive high distinctions for my papers. Still, my fingers will remain crossed. After all, I’m always lucky. You never know…

Also, in spite of my busy schedule, I found time to go on a shopping spree, which was therapeutic, but certainly not cheaper than getting a massage or spa treatment. In fact, I might need to see a therapist after this. You know how it is when your friends show off their shopping goodies and you’d tut-tut at them for spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on branded clothes, bags and shoes (and sometimes they’d be broke after that)? And then you would exclaim how you would never spend that much money on such materialistic items, because you are absolutely confident that you can find cheaper and equally nice substitutes? Yup, I’ve become one of those people you’d tut-tut at for spending ridiculous amounts of dough on luxury goods. Now I know why Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City goes crazy over expensive branded shoes. I totally get you now, Carrie.

I swear I’m not a brand whore, BUT … The stuff I buy are really, really nice, because I have excellent taste and fabulous dress sense. Ahem. Anyway, I’m lazy to post pictures; you just gotta trust me on this. I highly recommend everyone to buy ridiculously expensive clothes and shoes, because they are really comfortable. And the quality is absolutely topnotch — so good you know for certain it will probably outlast your lifespan. Say, you slip your feet in well-crafted exquisitely soft leather shoes, you’d immediately feel like “Ah… This is what a good life should be.”

Once you buy your first pair of $500-700 luxury shoes, you’ll wonder why have you spent half of your life without them. And the next thing you know… You’re signing a credit card slip for a $1,200-worth pair of shoes. Yup, by the time you reach home, you’re still in a daze from the swiftness of that transaction, but you are also gleeful of how good you look in the mirror. Then when you add the cost of the branded shirts and bottoms to the shoes, you’d realise your outfit from head to toe is probably worth around $1,000 or more, which would shock you for like five seconds and then you’d quickly put it out of your mind. Because you’re thinking of your next purchase. True story.

The only thing I haven’t splurged on is bags, because I have a specific requirement for them. But I have my eye on a few items already… So don’t be surprised if you see me on the streets looking like a million bucks one day; my outfit would probably have cost that much. Hahaha!

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Past lovers

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I’d like to think it’s true, since for some strange cosmic reason, I’m never friends with any of my exes. I tried once or twice and it didn’t work out well. Maybe they’re still in love with me, but I highly doubt it, because it’s more to do with me putting zero percent effort in staying in touch.

There are times when I can be so aloof and cold towards people I no longer have affection for that it’s scary for those who like me. Hell, I don’t even like the way I behave towards people sometimes. I can be so bewildering unemotional that I scare myself whenever I think about it.

My friend Erica once said this of me, which I’ve kindly summarised for you: “I’m so unpredictable that people are scared to be friends with me, because they never know when I will be hot or cold towards them. So even though they want to develop a friendship with me, I would never allow them to come close to me.”

One of my exes said something similar to me after an argument. She said I had a wall so high that when she tried breaking it down (or scale over), I kept findings ways to prevent her from doing so and one day she would eventually get tired of trying. Long story short, she did stop trying. That was mainly because I had a self-destructive streak in me which made me believe that I had to try all ways possible to make someone jump through blazing hoops to prove they truly love me and would never leave me, no matter what destructive behaviour I exhibit. Sick huh? I know. The 2013 me is a new and improved version of that 2008-9 defective me.

I had a similar conversation with this another girl who was truly in love with me (I think… Even though she was with someone else at that time), but the 2010 me refused to give her a proper chance, because I didn’t think she was right for me, so I subconsciously declined her advances. I mean, if she could cheat on her partner with me, the likelihood of her cheating on me when we do get together would be really high. First, I wouldn’t trust her and my insecurity would be obvious in my behaviour, which would have made things unpleasant between us. Plus, I wouldn’t want my karma debt to go further into deficit.

It’s weird how karma works, doesn’t it? How the things/misdeeds I did to others were repeated on me. Like I accidentally took this novel my ex-girlfriend loaned me because she wanted me to read one of her favourite books. Shortly after, we broke up and I never had a chance to return it to her. So it’s been on my bookshelf for the past four years and I still haven’t read a single page of it. Maybe I should message her on Facebook soon and see if I could post it back to her.

Why have I brought this up? Because the exact same situation happened to me recently. I loaned my favourite Kokology book to this former love of mine, because she loves it and I wanted to make her happy because I thought we’d be together forever. So in a way, I was renting it to her. Alas, we broke up months later and I never had the chance to get that book back.

Karma sucks. The end.

If two past lovers can remain friends, it’s either they were never in love or they still are.

I’m just going to console myself by thinking that all my exes are somehow in one way or another secretly in love with me, because through knowing and loving me I have inexplicably changed their lives for the better. I’m a life-changer. They just don’t know it yet.

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A kiss between two cute girls

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These two girls are so incredibly cute together. I so want to see them together forever. Yes, even though they are just high-school kids who are probably susceptible to mood swings/fickleness/indecisiveness about love and their partners and have yet to enter the real adult world, Glee’s Santana and Brittany are the cutest ‘Lebanese’ couple in TV-land and I just can’t get enough of them. They give me so much hope. Seeing them make out is alluringly hot as well. Ahem.

Here’s a little heartfelt moment of how deep their love runs for each other and why they are meant to be together no matter what from Glee season 2, episode 15 “Sexy”:

Santana: I wanna be with you, but I’m afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school.

Brittany: But honey, if anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.

Santana: Yeah, I know, but I’m so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept that I love you. I love you and I don’t want to be with Sam or Finn or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please.

Brittany: Of course, I love you. I do. And I would totally be with you if it weren’t for Artie.

Santana: Artie.

Brittany: I love him too. I don’t wanna to hurt him. That’s not right. I can’t break up with him.

Santana: Yes, you can. He’s just a stupid boy.

Brittany: But it wouldn’t be right, Santana. You have to know if Artie and I were to ever break up, and [if] I’m lucky enough and you’re still single…

Santana: Don’t.

Brittany: I am so yours. Proudly so.

So hot. Right?

They are each other’s best friend and they understand each other better than anyone else do. I love how they are always together, always holding hands, cuddling, glancing at each other with a knowing smile and showing little signs of affection with each other.

Brittany even told Santana that she loves her more than she has loved anyone else in the whole world. And she is a very supportive girlfriend who would always try to help Santana achieve her dreams in her naive, slightly airhead way.

Santana, on her part, would defend Brittany to the hilt whenever anyone tried to criticise or bully her. She also turns gentle whenever they are together. Santana told Brittany that in her sophomore year she would sit at the back of the choir room and secretly watch Brittany. She would count the number of times Brittany smiled at her and died at the days she didn’t. How sweet huh?

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Brittany: Someday, I’m gonna marry Santana.
Santana: *smiles*

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They look so sweet together—a perfect combination of sexy, wild and cute at the same time. And I love how their friends are so supportive of them.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pGVTrtGgAmU&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DpGVTrtGgAmU

I especially love the part when Brittany pulled Santana’s arm out of her jacket, just so she could hold her hand. It just seems so natural and genuine. Swoons.

How incredibly hot if they were to be together IRL?! I might just faint.

Here’s a compilation YouTube video of their best moments together:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UERsZImECTk&feature=fvwrel

Here’s an even better compilation video of the trials and tribulations Santana and Brittany had to go through to be better: http://youtu.be/tSEr4ch4Pi0

Wow, okay, I have to stop now, before my crush for Brittana/Santittany turns obsessive. Then again, there will always be more obsessive fans than me on the Internet. So I’m safe. Hahaha!

Image credits: Santana and Brittany celebrate Valentine’s Day, Santana and Brittany making out and Santana and Brittany share a kiss.

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Play well; leg godt

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Play well, my favourite dog form in the whole wide world (and some say the universe or even the galaxy)!

This is the most recent photo I have of you, which is obviously not recent at all since it was sent to me months ago. Maybe you have become chubbier than usual, but your ridiculously well-defined handsome features are still handsome?

You’re approximately three years old now—an adult in human years and still so naughty (or cowardly), I’d bet your mummy would say. But again, it’s just my assumption, because I’ve absolutely no idea if you are keeping well, if your skin has healed, if you’re still sensitive to strangers, if you still hate everyone else but your family and human form *chios*, if you’re still afraid of thunder and loud noises, if you still refuses to go out beyond your house’s corridor…

Well, I miss you so so so so much, my handsome dog form. Seeing your smiley happy face makes my eyes tear for some reason. Sometimes I wonder if you would still recall my face and reminisce what an awesome human form I was. Remember how we were so alike in so many ways that it was incredibly unbelievable? I used to tell your mummy I get how you feel and think, because I am you. Haha.

I wish I was there at your birthday party which is probably filled with lots of presents and treats for you. Haha. I wish you had met Milo (your mummy’s dog form) more often, instead of having Didi the weird sheepdog crash our gathering. I wish I had given you the longest, tightest bear hug ever the last time we met if I had known I would never see you again.

But most of all, my dear Lego Alejandro Lee, I wish for you to be happy and healthy always. *squishes your tiny happy face passionately*

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The best is never too good for you, my beloved dog form. XOXO

P/S: I did a search for you on my blog and guess what? Here are a few posts that I’ve specially wrote for or mentioned you in: Little Lego, Sputnik Dog, Saving The Best, Lego Turns One, Choco Baby. Enjoy.