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Someday girl

A memorable quote from one of my favourite sitcoms Cougar Town (it’s totally hilarious and witty. Everyone should be watching it!), Stop Dragging My Heart Around (S1E10):

Andy: Did lover boy tell you he likes Jules?

Laurie: What?!

Grayson: What? No. I just said someday I could end up with a girl like her.

Laurie: Jules is your someday girl?!

Grayson: My what now?

Laurie: A someday girl is someone who someday someone else can see themselves ending up with someday. It’s super serious.

Grayson: Someday girl is a great title for a new song.

In short, a someday girl is a girl you aren’t pursuing or involved with now, but a person whom you can see yourself ending up with someday. “Someday” could be 20 years from now, or it could be tomorrow. Who knows? Anything is possible.

The entire episode is gold, with the appropriate amount of cheesiness, heartfelt moments, angst, pranks, humour, friendship, laughter and love. I’m so glad I turned on the TV last night.

Because that wasn’t the only quote that caught my ears and mind. It was what Ellie said at the closing scene that really got to me and it was all I could do to stop tearing (I really ought to stop being such a crybaby!).

Ellie: I just remind myself how scary it would be out there drifting alone. It’s weird with relationships. Two people can start off in the same place and for whatever reasons, they split off in different directions …

… I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you and I’m so happy that I am not out there having to start all over to look for what we have, because it’s hard to find and even harder to keep.

We have had so much history together and we are always going be attached in some way or another, but maybe our happy ending is us being friends. 🙂

Seriously, click “play” already.

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Sometimes you have to grieve on your own time

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“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” —Henry Ford

With the help of Twitter, Instagram and Facebook, it’s been so much easier to feel your heart breaking whenever you see a status or a picture posted by the one you love, because you know that whatever she did had nothing to do with you and was probably referring to someone new.

Sometimes we have to work things out on our own time. It’s much too easy to assume that our mind can easily move on and block those unhealthy thoughts from crowding our head at a snap of fingers, when in actual fact our emotions can’t keep up. This is a battle that logic doesn’t always win.

Whenever I’m tempted to text her again or to get a time machine to fix things (which is happening very frequently the past three weeks), I know there is this sense of regret that I can’t get over. Maybe I’m being selfish and presumptuous by thinking that we are meant for each other, when she might not even feel the same way.

Sometimes I do stupid things to myself. Sometimes I make stupid choices. Sometimes I miss out on chances that could make sure we can be together. Sometimes I keep thinking that my life would be so much better with you in it.

I have become highly distracted from work and my studies, because of this clutter in my head and I’m struggling to clear my thoughts and heal. Maybe I just want to reach out to you and get your attention and a response from you, just so I could feel better. Maybe it’s just to placate my ego. Maybe I just need some time away before I do something to worsen the misery I already feel.

The thing is closure can and should be done without having the other party’s acknowledgement. It’s about grieving in my own time.

I mean, what was I expecting to happen when I text her, hoping that she’d reply? That she would drop everything in her life and come back to me? That she would finally realise that we are meant to be together? That she would magically wake up and see me for who I am? It’s all a fantasy, isn’t it? Why am I even going back?

If you’ve moved on, I ought to respect your privacy. So yes, I need to grieve in my own time and let go.

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I still remember the feeling

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It’s sad to even blog these days, because I’m heartbroken; I’m like a broken record being put on repeat and it seems like there’s no way to fix me. I can feel a stab in my heart and I know the pain is real. Yet I’m fighting so hard to be well again; to recover from what seemed like the loss of my life.

It’s been more than a year since we last saw one another, and while you appear to have moved on with your life and gotten together with someone new, I’ve remained at a standstill. I tried staying away from you, but it did not stop me from thinking about you and missing you terribly.

It hurts, it really hurts. I keep forcing myself to consciously choose me, but every time I come across your tweets or anything you post, I take two steps back again. I’m emotionally drained and I feel helplessly stuck in this time vacuum. I keep thinking back if I could have done anything different or better to salvage our relationship, but my mind remains blank. Maybe I am just a foolish person clinging on to a romantic dream that has long since disappeared into thin air.

I had truly believe we were meant for each other and that you were the right one for me. I guess it still hurts so much, because I still believe (foolishly) we are meant to be.

I suffered the same acute heartache in 2011 when I thought you had found someone new. It drove me crazy that I wanted to do drastic things to myself. That was a terrible night to be me. I went through 2012 wanting to be free from the mental shackles you’ve put me through and to build up my courage to speak to you again, hoping that we would find each other again. It’s 2013 and I find myself immersed in fresh pain at the thought of you with someone new. This time, I managed to find a sense of control that wasn’t there before, but it doesn’t mean it hurts less. It still does, and I hope one day you will feel the pain I feel for you and know that there was once someone who loved you even more than life itself. Goodnight.

P/S: Dear Universe, here I am once again. I’m finally ready now and I know you will make things happen for me. I want to be extremely happy and lucky, meet and be with the person of my dreams (preferably within the next one week) and be JK Rowling-rich! Thank you!

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Be in love with your life

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“Be in love with your life. Every minute of it.” —Jack Kerouac

I choose me. Every waking minute of every day. Any mental energy I have, I will spend it on myself thinking about me and how I should improve.

It’s about telling myself “I’m upset, I’m angry, but you know what? I’m going to deal with it, because I want to stop feeling miserable and I will do whatever it takes to make sure I change how I feel now.”

It’s challenging to stop my mind from wandering to unhealthy thoughts that do not benefit me, but every time I find myself wavering, I would stop myself in mid-thought and say: “I choose me.”

My life will move on. Even if I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. Even if I have done the stupidest thing in the world by texting someone to ask about something that I shouldn’t care about. Even if I keep hoping that I would get a reply. Even if what I did was uncool, desperate and downright silly!

The good thing about feeling so down is that I don’t have to worry about anyone else, but me.

I was trying so hard to be chosen again that I lost sight of myself. Well, I have stopped that. And I’m going to sleep.

Sleep is good. Sleep is rejuvenating, especially when I spent the past few sleepless nights getting my mind all messed up, because I couldn’t let go.

From one of my favourite blogs to read, here’s one of the 10 things on a checklist we should do when we hit rock bottom:

Sleep 8-10 hours. Sleeping is rejuvenating. You won’t care if you go broke while you sleep. You also can’t obsess on loneliness while you sleep. In general, sleeping is pretty good. If you are having trouble sleeping, take some natural remedy or take some anti-anxiety medicine. Whatever it takes – you need to sleep.

I’ve been exercising regularly (which makes me really happy and exhausted by the end of the night) and I’m going to attend meditation classes soon. I’ve been writing more regularly now to get my feelings out in the open. I’ve stopped drinking alcohol since September. I eat lighter dinners now and I read a lot of random stuff that make me laugh and cry (sometimes all at the same time). And you know what? I’m going to repeat the 10 things Altucher recommends tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and the day after that tomorrow and beyond.

Excuses are for people trying to be chosen by others. When you choose yourself, there are no more excuses.

It doesn’t matter what happens to me next, because I have chosen myself.

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Think before you react

I am not in the best of moods tonight and I’m having difficulty concentrating on what should be my highest priority now. Let’s just say my mood involved plenty of uncontrollable tears and keep it as that. My mind has gone wild and restless and I can feel myself on the verge of doing something very impulsive and illogical. So I let my mind wander and thankfully I did, otherwise I wouldn’t have come across this image.

Sometimes I think the Universe always sends us a message when it senses that we need help in our greatest hour of need. And tonight is the moment I needed a clear head.

“Before you react, think.”

Very apt. And so I’ve calmed down. The bonus is that the quote is from one of the authors that I’ve always emulated my writing on. Double yay!

If you were like me trawling around the Internet hoping to find some answers or a sign, here it is. Here’s your sign. I hope it helps you as much as it gave me peace. 🙂

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The notebook

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I watched this movie once with someone. I remember it was a weekend afternoon and we were snuggling in bed when we turned on the TV. She told me it was her favourite film, but her sister didn’t like it. I never really understood why until I watched it last night.

I teared when the old couple started slow dancing and professing their love for one another when she regained her memory briefly. And I teared again nearing the ending when the old man climbed in bed with the love of his life and both of them looked prepared to be with each other in life and to leave together in death. It was heartbreaking.

One day, I hope to write a love story as beautiful as this for someone special. Oh, wait… I did wrote something similar… Two books in fact. Heh.

Anyway, here are some quotes that captured my emotions (and quite possibly, the chronological story of our entwined lives?):

“Every great love starts with a great story…”

“Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can’t control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That’s what it was like for me. I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once, and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget a single moment of it.”

“She was my dream. She made me who I am, and holding her in my arms was more natural to me than my own heartbeat. I think about her all the time. Even now, when I’m sitting here, I think about her. There could never have been another.”

“They didn’t agree on much. In fact, they didn’t agree on anything. They fought all the time and challenged each other ever day. But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other.”

“You are the answer to every prayer I’ve offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper, and I don’t know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have.”

“You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together.”

“I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I’ve ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.”

“I’ll be anything you want, just tell me what you want and I’ll be that.”

“I couldn’t sleep last night because I know that it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I’ll be seeing you.”

“The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we’ve lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we’ve found each other. And maybe each time, we’ve been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.”

“When I look at you, I see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. And I know I have spent every life before this on searching for you. Not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. And then, for a reason neither of us understand, we’ve been forced to say goodbye.

 I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and I promise to do all I can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, I know we will see each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we’ve had before.”

“You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.”

“Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants. Stop thinking
about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do you want?”

“Sometimes we need to be apart to understand just how much we truly love each other.”

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day. You and me… every day.”

― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Wherever you are, that’s where my home is.

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Breaking point

(This post was typed halfway 14 Sep on my way home after yet a long exhausting day at work. I finally have time to finish it on 15 Sep.)

I AM SO SWAMPED AND BURIED WITH SO MUCH WORK AND COURSEWORK THAT I AM FEELING ALL CHOKED UP and sleep-deprived.

I was so close to breaking point working in the office alone tonight that when someone appeared out of nowhere with dinner as a surprise, I felt so blessed. Hehe.

Still, it has only been three/four days since I last blogged and I had to cramp in so many responsibilities in under 72 hours. I have never felt so drained my entire life.

I think about work before I sleep and the moment I wake up. I worry so much about failure that I have lost my appetite. I have dark eye rings and a permanent scowl on my face. I literally feel like I’m being pushed to a corner with nowhere to run. It is that horrific.

It has been an intense eight, coming to nine, days that I don’t think I can continue living/sleeping/working/studying with only 24 hours a day. It is impossible. And I haven’t even added in leisure time. Sad face.

I have also stopped logging onto ALL social networks for a very long time. I don’t even know if I am missing out on anything. Even if I did, I guess I couldn’t care less because I feel so liberated. My mind is so much clearer and I am more focused on the things that matter.

The only concession I made was on Saturday because people started adding me on Facebook and telling me they have added me so I couldn’t avoid not logging in. But I am proud to say I didn’t stay long and I wasn’t even interested to look at those new friends I added. (Actually I have never looked at new friends’ profiles. I don’t know why I don’t care! Maybe because I am more interesting than them. Ha!)

PHOOOOOO…. that was a huge long sigh of breath, not a fart. In an ironic way I have never felt more alive – having to cramp hours of revision, work in group project, conduct hours of research, show leadership, fulfil regular work tasks on top of understanding a totally new subject. All these things leave me with no space or time to think about anything else but survival and sleep.

I like sleeping. I miss sleeping. I enjoy sleeping. Which is why I’m going to enjoy my comfy, soft, fluffy kingsized bed now. Hehe. It’s almost as gluey as BTB.

See you.

Oh! I have to add this before I forget. A second, (and third and fourth) person asked if I was 21/22 years old on Sunday. I nearly choked on my drink.

“No, I’m not 22.”

“But you look so young. Are you sure? I keep thinking you are younger than me.”

Turns out that person was only 24. (again, this girl looked closer to 30! The other two people who asked me my age over lunch were much older and look old too. I feel young besides them!)

Which made me really puzzled because I was the unofficial leader for the team. And everyone was obediently following my instructions and listening to me. If they had all assumed I was only 21 and that they were much older and yet they were willing to be led by me, then WOW, I must have awesome leadership skills.

You can’t get me out of your mind now, isn’t it?

Also, a big decision was made yesterday… More exciting updates to follow shortly.