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I’m not sure which is worse

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You know, I realise it has become one of my weekly rituals to blog about how I feel about you every other Sunday and how I would tag the post as ‘secret’, because I don’t think anyone else knows or understands what my heart is seeking.

Sometimes there’s just this trepidation in my heart that I don’t know how to quell. And the panic level would keep rising and I would lose my inner peace. Just like what Po the Dragon Warrior had to go through, it’s been a long arduous journey to find my inner peace.

With that, I’d like to leave you with this quote I heard from watching season 4, episode 14 of White Collar (Shoot the Moon) which it made me tear:

Real love is fighting like hell to hold onto every moment you have with her. It’s making a life together and making it work, no matter what happens. You want a love for the ages? I think that’s great. Prove it. Make it last. — Peter Burke

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Good things are going to happen

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I have to believe that, no matter what.

I was watching the movie Crazy Stupid Love in the morning and the scene where Cal was trying to convince his ex-wife that he has always loved her and that he still wants her back really spoke to me.

‘I was trying to move on. But I don’t want to. You’ve always been the only one.’ —Cal Weaver #CrazyStupidLove

Crazy, right?

Can’t believe we are approaching the fourth month of the new year and it still feels like I haven’t done anything important or useful with my life.

This is most likely definitely because I’ve been procrastinating a lot and letting laziness take control of my life. I have a growing pile of work to do and I have been ignoring it, choosing to go out to play or to do other non-essential things instead. Sigh.

So many dreams and so many goals and none completed so far. It’s what someone would say ‘Chuk Jik Kee Chui’ aka ‘all talk but no action’. Hahaha!

My tarot card reading for the coming month is again very optimistic, like my character in general. But none have appeared to come true so far!! Disappointing really. So would the next prediction be accurate? No eye deer!

The pendulum
swings back from the insensitivity in March to heightened awareness,
especially of others. You are aware of the emotional subtleties that lie beneath
the surfaces. You take nothing for granted.

Your wisdom and diplomacy will surprise people and prevent several situations from becoming explosive.
Relationships with subordinates and higher-ups will improve. You receive support and are well-spoken of.

Your intuition is keen; rely on it, and respect any premonitions you may have.

Someone you meet sparks your interest, but you may find that the person is unstable and fragile. You play the role of teacher and counsellor in this relationship.

Your understanding and intuition also offer you the means to heal formerly difficult relationships.

Signs of good things to come? Awwww yeah!

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Care for each other even when you’re angry

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‘What is love?’ some of you might ask now and then. To me, love is caring for the person you love, even when you’re mad at them. And this pic sums it for me really.

There was one day few months ago when we were supposed to meet really early in the morning for an all-day out-of-town excursion. But things screwed up and we got into a huge fight, when I should have let whatever issue go but was too furious to do so. I continued to bicker, insisting on things that really shouldn’t matter. Well, it doesn’t matter now, because I can’t even explain clearly what we were arguing about.

It went on for ages and the conversation was going nowhere. I finally gave up and walked away to clear my head. Then I realised she was hungry and experiencing gastric pain, so I silently walked further away to look for food for her. She probably thought I was going to disappear. I crossed two streets before I finally found a stall selling hot snacks and water.

When I headed back, she was walking towards my direction. Maybe she was looking for me? So I walked up to her and somehow she was sitting at the bus-stop looking tired, sleepy and lost. Me? I probably looked grouchy and up for another argument. When I passed her the food and water, she gazed at me with a puzzled expression. Thankfully, she started eating.

At that moment when I looked at her silently chewing her food, I realised I have a weird way of showing someone how much I love and care for them. Getting into fights and not wanting to let the anger go is not the cleverest thing to do if I really value someone. I should enjoy each moment we have and fill our time together with happiness, not regret. This has been a painful lesson learnt.

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Little flower petals

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I grinned inwardly when I saw this pic. It reminds me of the ‘xiao cui hua’ bedsheets we used to sleep on, the headstands we tried to do on the bed and the not-so-complete cartwheels in the kitchen and laughing so hard that our tummies ached and we had to pause so we could catch our breath. And then we’d laze on the couch to watch reality TV shows all day, eat our home delivery meals, play games and take naps. Super fun times.

“I more than love you, I’m not whole without you. You are life itself to me. When you are gone, I’m waiting for you to return so I can start living again.” — Former US President Ronald Reagan to his beloved wife Nancy Reagan

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When I’m at work

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It’s true, you know. I’ve probably told you this a long, long time ago. When I’m at work, I’d think of you and the thought of you makes me smile. Sometimes if I’m not careful, I might be caught grinning at nothing while staring into space.

And if things aren’t going so great at work, thinking about you just makes the day more bearable. And if things are going great, thinking about you just makes the day even more awesome.

If I get too busy and work just keeps piling up, sometimes you’d pop into my mind and give me a breather. Then I’d smile and savour the moment. I wonder if you feel the same way about me when you’re at work.

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The meaning of true love

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My heart melted when I saw this photo. And that made me realise I’m such an idealist at times. I genuinely believe in true love, in having a significant other, in finding The One, in committing to a partner for life, in making plans together for our future, in staying with each other through thick and thin until the end of time.

It’s also hard not to believe in true love when I see examples of it in my friends IRL. I know two happy friends who can’t wait to spend the rest of their lives with their other halves. One of whom has even made a commitment in the form of a diamond ring (no less).

When I see the twinkle in their eyes and how they look at each other and how their hands would intertwine when one of them speaks, I can’t help but feel happy for the couple and yet a slight twinge of sadness (maybe even a little envy). Because I want what they have—knowing that someone would always be there for me, having someone to come home to, and most of all, loving and being loved by someone.

It sounds so darn simple, isn’t it?

My friends—the recently engaged happy couple (I’ve seen the ring and it’s gorgeous)—are prepared and excited to spend the rest of their lives together. They are gay, by the way, but they don’t believe in having a paper certificate to prove their love for one another or to anyone.

One said: “Is the paper really important when straight people are still divorcing? If someone wants to leave or break up with you, a cert won’t stop them.

“If we really wanted a certificate, we can always fly overseas and get one. It’s not that difficult.

“The ring is a symbol of our long-term commitment to each other. It makes a difference to how we see each other from now.”

Now they can consider themselves married without an actual marriage. “We don’t need a ceremony, a certificate or the government (or even the church) to tell us ‘we are married’ … As long as I consider her my partner and she considers me hers.”

Both of them never expect to see each other three years ago in a different light after being friends for close to a decade. And they never thought they’d be together in a relationship within a few months after meeting each other for coffee one night. And they never thought they’d settle down and be excited to start a life together. They never thought they’d find the one but they did.

And in doing so, they have inspired the people, including me, around them. Aren’t you?

It’s true, you know. There is true love out there for everyone and the universe knows how to send you The One when you’re mentally and emotionally ready.

And when the right one for you comes along, it doesn’t matter what you do or how you look and behave, this person will still think you are awesome and they are so lucky to have found you and you’d mean the world to them. Because this person will love you for exactly who you are. And the strangest part is you’d feel exactly the same way about them. That’s when you’d know it’s true love. 🙂

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Madagascar love story

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So Madagascar 3 is coming to the cinemas near me soon. And I’m re-watching Madagascar 2 and it is still as funny as the first time I watched it.

The penguins are, of course, a few of my favourite characters. King Julian (the lemur) is hilarious as ever and the love confession Melman (the giraffe) said to Mototo and Gloria (the hippo) is one of the most touching scenes in the movie. If I ever had to confess how much I love you, this would be something I’d say:

“Listen Mototo, you better treat this lady like a queen. Because you… you, my friend, you’ve found yourself the perfect woman.

If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect woman, I would give her flowers every day. And not just any flowers, ok? Her favourites are orchids. White.

And I’d bring her breakfast every day — six loaves of wheat toast with butter on both sides. No crusts — the way she likes it.

I’d be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend. And I’d spend every day thinking of how to make her laugh. She has the most… most amazing laugh. That’s what I would do, if I were you.”

It’s true, especially the last para. Making you laugh (and bringing you breakfast in bed) is what I want to do every day. You don’t have to go around the whole world to find the perfect partner… when all you had to do is open your heart and look at me and realise that maybe I am The One for you after all. That it has always been you and me.