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I love you but not in that way

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Have you ever experienced something this — when someone tells you that they think they love you or they think they are in love with you or they are falling in love with you or they will always love you or they really love you but just not in that way? I mean, just how many variations of “I love you” can there actually be? Should loving someone be a simple and straightforward thing?

But no, some people just have to complicate matters. I’ve encountered all of the above scenarios before with different people at different points of my life. And there was one common denominator for each of them, which was it all became equally puzzling for me whenever it happened.

Maybe I really don’t know what love is. Maybe love is still one giant mystery to me. Maybe love is really complex than what I expect it to be. Wow, I should really be a songwriter. Totally nailed it.

I never really ponder beyond this complex mystery though, because I had better things to do. Haha! Then years come and go. And this issue came to the forefront of my mind only after I happened to catch one episode of Gossip Girl few weeks ago. Ahem. It was really an accident.

I’ve stopped watching Gossip Girl ages ago. It was probably halfway through season two, I believe. It became too draggy and overly nonsensical for my liking. No matter how hot I think Chuck and Blair are, I couldn’t bring myself to watch the episodes anymore. Until that day when I let the TV play for background noise and decided to watch it.

It was episode 17 of season five, The Princess Dowry and this particular scene caught my full attention.

Chuck: Because I love you.
Blair: And I love you. I always will. But that doesn’t mean I’m in love with you. At least not right now, not the way you need me to be, not the way you deserve. I’m sorry. I have to go.

I swear I could feel Chuck’s heart breaking. It was probably less painful than getting stabbed or shot in the heart. I’ve never been shot or stabbed, but I have a feeling that these are far worst than a heartbreak (but far better than childbirth, naturally).

Someone once said something similar during a conversation with me. She said she still loves her ex, but she’s not in love with him like how she’s in love with me, if my memory serves me correctly. It has all became very vague recently. Then when we broke up, she said she will always love me, but… (There’s always a but in such circumstances. Why?!) … But she wanted a different life that I did not fit in with. Sad, huh? I remained devastated for a very, very long time.

So what does it mean if I still love someone that way and I have never stopped loving her at all this whole time? A loser? A fool? A romantic? Hahaha!

Blair: I’m here because it’s time I was honest with you. I love you. I’m in love with you. I have tried to kill it, to run away from it, but I can’t and I don’t want to anymore.

(Episode 24 of season five, “The Return of The Ring”)

Quotes were taken from chuckandblair.org

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Love when you’re ready

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Are you a fan of one of my favourite shows this season? Well, you should be. If not, you better start watching Californication soon, because it fucking blows your mind. Quite literally at times, with the amount of swear words, drugs, sex, roll and rock and decadence and debauchery the producers can provide in an 30-minute episode.

I love this particular season finale Season 6, episode 12 of Californication: “I’ll Lay My Monster Down”. It was a mixed bag of emotions—some warm, sweet and lovely, some heartbreaking and forlorn because of unrequited feelings and unresolved issues.

Atticus Fetch: The woman that you love is out there and you know you can’t have her. How do you even get up in the morning?

Hank Moody: Well, the booze is always helpful, and so is the art. Everything that I write is either for her or about her. So I’m with her, even when I’m not.

Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?

This scene reminded me of the times the numerous blogposts I wrote and have unknowingly dedicated to this particular someone I fell in love with the past three years.

Maybe we are not meant to be together in this lifetime, but it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped thinking about her or wondering what might have been. I’ve just managed to block her out of my mind for the time being, but I know that the second I allow the dams to burst, everything will come rushing out. So I keep all my thoughts hidden under a sea of calm, hoping that my memory will soon be erased (wishful thinking, I know, but you’d be amazed how time can dilute your memory). Maybe after a while, I wouldn’t even remember that this person once existed in my life.

I guess this is why I feel like I’m in a daze sometimes—lost and adrift in the middle of the sea—trying to find an anchor (or an idyllic island paradise) in my life. Do I really want to love someone again? Am I ready to let someone into my life again? These are questions I have no answers to.

Maybe that’s why I thought the quote above is apt for today.

Love when you’re ready; not when you’re lonely.

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Someday girl

A memorable quote from one of my favourite sitcoms Cougar Town (it’s totally hilarious and witty. Everyone should be watching it!), Stop Dragging My Heart Around (S1E10):

Andy: Did lover boy tell you he likes Jules?

Laurie: What?!

Grayson: What? No. I just said someday I could end up with a girl like her.

Laurie: Jules is your someday girl?!

Grayson: My what now?

Laurie: A someday girl is someone who someday someone else can see themselves ending up with someday. It’s super serious.

Grayson: Someday girl is a great title for a new song.

In short, a someday girl is a girl you aren’t pursuing or involved with now, but a person whom you can see yourself ending up with someday. “Someday” could be 20 years from now, or it could be tomorrow. Who knows? Anything is possible.

The entire episode is gold, with the appropriate amount of cheesiness, heartfelt moments, angst, pranks, humour, friendship, laughter and love. I’m so glad I turned on the TV last night.

Because that wasn’t the only quote that caught my ears and mind. It was what Ellie said at the closing scene that really got to me and it was all I could do to stop tearing (I really ought to stop being such a crybaby!).

Ellie: I just remind myself how scary it would be out there drifting alone. It’s weird with relationships. Two people can start off in the same place and for whatever reasons, they split off in different directions …

… I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you and I’m so happy that I am not out there having to start all over to look for what we have, because it’s hard to find and even harder to keep.

We have had so much history together and we are always going be attached in some way or another, but maybe our happy ending is us being friends. 🙂

Seriously, click “play” already.

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We are never ever getting back together

I don’t know how I have managed to live through the past few years without ever listening to Taylor Swift’s songs, but I did it very successfully. I’ve heard of her and saw her name in some random headlines on entertainment sites, but I’ve never wondered or bothered about finding out more. Besides, she sings mostly pop tunes (I think), which are not the music genre of my choice. I’m more of an electronic/indie/house/jazz sort of person. So it’s to my utmost (pleasant) surprise to listen to her song for the first time and genuinely liking it.

But the only reason I went to YouTube to listen to the song was because my friends on WeChat unanimously agreed it is an apt song for my current situation. Of course, the song title and chorus are now my mantras. I’m sure all 380 of you regular readers know very well why (just read the archives if you’re new here).

“You are never ever getting back together. Remember that.”

My friend repeated it twice to drill the message into my thick skull. I don’t blame her. I’ve been very stubborn after all. I probably need to be brainwashed.

“The best is yet to be. If you two split up, it means both of you were not suited for each other.

“Take your time to understand and see for yourself the current reality. Then gradually let the bits and pieces of the past go. And in no time, love will soon surround you once again.

“Stop standing at where you are at now. She will never return to you again. If you persist in holding onto these fantasies, the only person you are convincing and lying to is yourself.

“The whole world already knows that both of you are never getting back together again. You are the only one left in the dark, because you are still living in your own world.

“You have to get used to your present state of mind. Stop thinking that there will be a third chance or expecting her to change and come back.

“Stop contacting her and following her updates. No matter how great or bad her life is now, it is no longer your concern. It’s her life, her choices.

“Ok, the doctor’s consultation time ends here. Just keep a lookout for your new love, ok?”

My friend’s pretty cool, huh? She’s hilarious, beautiful and also wise beyond her years. I’m so grateful to have her on my side.

Btw, check out the video of We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together below if you have 3 minutes and 36 seconds to spare. It’s lighthearted, poppy, short and easy on the eyes. And if it makes me smile, it’d make you smile too. Try it!

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Sometimes you have to grieve on your own time

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“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” —Henry Ford

With the help of Twitter, Instagram and Facebook, it’s been so much easier to feel your heart breaking whenever you see a status or a picture posted by the one you love, because you know that whatever she did had nothing to do with you and was probably referring to someone new.

Sometimes we have to work things out on our own time. It’s much too easy to assume that our mind can easily move on and block those unhealthy thoughts from crowding our head at a snap of fingers, when in actual fact our emotions can’t keep up. This is a battle that logic doesn’t always win.

Whenever I’m tempted to text her again or to get a time machine to fix things (which is happening very frequently the past three weeks), I know there is this sense of regret that I can’t get over. Maybe I’m being selfish and presumptuous by thinking that we are meant for each other, when she might not even feel the same way.

Sometimes I do stupid things to myself. Sometimes I make stupid choices. Sometimes I miss out on chances that could make sure we can be together. Sometimes I keep thinking that my life would be so much better with you in it.

I have become highly distracted from work and my studies, because of this clutter in my head and I’m struggling to clear my thoughts and heal. Maybe I just want to reach out to you and get your attention and a response from you, just so I could feel better. Maybe it’s just to placate my ego. Maybe I just need some time away before I do something to worsen the misery I already feel.

The thing is closure can and should be done without having the other party’s acknowledgement. It’s about grieving in my own time.

I mean, what was I expecting to happen when I text her, hoping that she’d reply? That she would drop everything in her life and come back to me? That she would finally realise that we are meant to be together? That she would magically wake up and see me for who I am? It’s all a fantasy, isn’t it? Why am I even going back?

If you’ve moved on, I ought to respect your privacy. So yes, I need to grieve in my own time and let go.

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I still remember the feeling

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It’s sad to even blog these days, because I’m heartbroken; I’m like a broken record being put on repeat and it seems like there’s no way to fix me. I can feel a stab in my heart and I know the pain is real. Yet I’m fighting so hard to be well again; to recover from what seemed like the loss of my life.

It’s been more than a year since we last saw one another, and while you appear to have moved on with your life and gotten together with someone new, I’ve remained at a standstill. I tried staying away from you, but it did not stop me from thinking about you and missing you terribly.

It hurts, it really hurts. I keep forcing myself to consciously choose me, but every time I come across your tweets or anything you post, I take two steps back again. I’m emotionally drained and I feel helplessly stuck in this time vacuum. I keep thinking back if I could have done anything different or better to salvage our relationship, but my mind remains blank. Maybe I am just a foolish person clinging on to a romantic dream that has long since disappeared into thin air.

I had truly believe we were meant for each other and that you were the right one for me. I guess it still hurts so much, because I still believe (foolishly) we are meant to be.

I suffered the same acute heartache in 2011 when I thought you had found someone new. It drove me crazy that I wanted to do drastic things to myself. That was a terrible night to be me. I went through 2012 wanting to be free from the mental shackles you’ve put me through and to build up my courage to speak to you again, hoping that we would find each other again. It’s 2013 and I find myself immersed in fresh pain at the thought of you with someone new. This time, I managed to find a sense of control that wasn’t there before, but it doesn’t mean it hurts less. It still does, and I hope one day you will feel the pain I feel for you and know that there was once someone who loved you even more than life itself. Goodnight.

P/S: Dear Universe, here I am once again. I’m finally ready now and I know you will make things happen for me. I want to be extremely happy and lucky, meet and be with the person of my dreams (preferably within the next one week) and be JK Rowling-rich! Thank you!

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Be in love with your life

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“Be in love with your life. Every minute of it.” —Jack Kerouac

I choose me. Every waking minute of every day. Any mental energy I have, I will spend it on myself thinking about me and how I should improve.

It’s about telling myself “I’m upset, I’m angry, but you know what? I’m going to deal with it, because I want to stop feeling miserable and I will do whatever it takes to make sure I change how I feel now.”

It’s challenging to stop my mind from wandering to unhealthy thoughts that do not benefit me, but every time I find myself wavering, I would stop myself in mid-thought and say: “I choose me.”

My life will move on. Even if I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. Even if I have done the stupidest thing in the world by texting someone to ask about something that I shouldn’t care about. Even if I keep hoping that I would get a reply. Even if what I did was uncool, desperate and downright silly!

The good thing about feeling so down is that I don’t have to worry about anyone else, but me.

I was trying so hard to be chosen again that I lost sight of myself. Well, I have stopped that. And I’m going to sleep.

Sleep is good. Sleep is rejuvenating, especially when I spent the past few sleepless nights getting my mind all messed up, because I couldn’t let go.

From one of my favourite blogs to read, here’s one of the 10 things on a checklist we should do when we hit rock bottom:

Sleep 8-10 hours. Sleeping is rejuvenating. You won’t care if you go broke while you sleep. You also can’t obsess on loneliness while you sleep. In general, sleeping is pretty good. If you are having trouble sleeping, take some natural remedy or take some anti-anxiety medicine. Whatever it takes – you need to sleep.

I’ve been exercising regularly (which makes me really happy and exhausted by the end of the night) and I’m going to attend meditation classes soon. I’ve been writing more regularly now to get my feelings out in the open. I’ve stopped drinking alcohol since September. I eat lighter dinners now and I read a lot of random stuff that make me laugh and cry (sometimes all at the same time). And you know what? I’m going to repeat the 10 things Altucher recommends tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and the day after that tomorrow and beyond.

Excuses are for people trying to be chosen by others. When you choose yourself, there are no more excuses.

It doesn’t matter what happens to me next, because I have chosen myself.