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My 30th birthday is approaching

Hi there! I created this blog post on 16 October and did a draft, but didn’t feel like it was good enough to be published. So I thought I’d give myself one more month to let my thoughts incubate a bit more before I let you read my inner, deepest, darkest, funniest thoughts. Heh.

I know I don’t update this blog regularly as much as I said I would, but there are just times when I don’t know what to write about or that I know what I want to say but I have difficultly expressing my thoughts eloquently. Irony, I know. So I feel that the wisest thing to do sometimes is not write or talk at all if I have nothing to say or can’t think coherently.

So it’s 16/17 November today (depending on which time zone you’re in). And in around 30 days or so, it’d be my 30th birthday. Which means I’ve revolved around the sun 30 times. Mind-blowing, I know.

It’s also Ludwig van Beethoven’s birthday. He would have been 242 years old. Or may have never been born if his mother had chosen to abort him because she was afraid that he’d be disabled, according to urban myths. Thankfully, she allowed him to live and create some of the best classical compositions I’ve ever listened to.

My favourite compositions are Moonlight Sonata and Fur Elise. Have a listen, if you haven’t already. I remember the emotions that overcame me when I first heard them. It was as though I could feel the pain he went through when he could not be with the girl he had loved dearly and because of the love he felt for her, he wrote and dedicated this sonata for her. Lovely.

AND 16 December was also the day when The Boston Tea Party occurred! Ok, that was not so positive. Moving on…

So apparently if you did a Google search, turning 30 is really a big deal for almost everyone. Seriously, there are about 530,000,000 results online helping you dissect why the number 30 is scary. So you’re not alone. There are millions of people who are freaking out just like what you are doing right now. Not me, I am feeling pretty calm.

But I guess the biggest questions on my mind are: “What have I achieved in the past 30 years? What can I be proud of? What should I do from now? Do I have any regrets? Am I happy? Have I fulfilled my life goals? Am I leading a meaningful life?”

OK, now I get why turning 30 can be depressing.

I had two of the most memorable birthday celebrations when I was 28 and 29 with this girl who I think the world of (nearly half of the blog posts here are written about or for her). I try not to let my mind wonder about how my 30th birthday celebration would be like. It’s better to focus on the present for now. And whatever will be, will be.

But just like the quote above, I hope all the wisdom and inner peace I’ve been seeking my whole life, especially more fervently in the past year, will miraculously appear when I finally hit 30. And stay tuned for my upcoming ’30 for 30′ series of posts in the run-up to my big day. Yay.

[Image via The Creative Paige]

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The aftermath of Hurricane Sandy

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How did everyone spend the week which had Hurricane Sandy tearing through New York and cause massive power outages along the way?

I spent that week talking to someone I care dearly for nearly every day. She was in New York and I was worried for her safety, her health and if she had enough to eat or if she would be bored or frustrated being trapped in a foreign land and unable to get home. I would find the funniest videos or interesting pics to send her or talk to her about random silly things, so I can take her mind off her situation then.

It’s funny how you spend all your time trying to make someone happy, but end up being miserable yourself because you feel unappreciated.

I suppose one shouldn’t have expectations of any kind, because that would only lead to unwanted thoughts and unanswered questions. It doesn’t matter even if you show care and concern for someone, because that person may not even give a shit about you.

It’s true, you know. If someone really misses you or wants to see you, she would do anything possible to do so. And if she ends up choosing to do something else or meet other people and ignore your messages instead of making time for you, you know that this person is not worthy of your attention. In a way, her actions have answered all your pathetic questions.

Why should I keep pursuing someone who clearly isn’t interested in me anymore and knowingly (or to give the benefit of doubt, unknowingly) cause me pain?

I am sick and tired of having to deal with all the crap and thinking about what I can do to make you happy. It’s time to cut my losses. I am stopping all my emotional investment in you. It’s time for me to see the bigger picture and let go of the pain inside.

You can only love someone this much before you realise that she doesn’t want to have any sort of relationship with you. So grow up and suck it up. It’s no longer love; it’s pain and misery.

I should put myself first and surround myself with people who genuinely want to hang out with me, who enrich my life, who care for me and want me to be happy.

I can spend my whole life trying to get you to see me for who I am and accept me for what I am and love me back, but I have ended up in a never-ending cycle of misery because I couldn’t let go.

I am getting out now and putting myself first. Wish me luck.

P/S: I miss playing Kokology, but I guess I will never get my book back now. The audacity of it really upsets me.