0

I still remember the feeling

20130429-015727.jpg

It’s sad to even blog these days, because I’m heartbroken; I’m like a broken record being put on repeat and it seems like there’s no way to fix me. I can feel a stab in my heart and I know the pain is real. Yet I’m fighting so hard to be well again; to recover from what seemed like the loss of my life.

It’s been more than a year since we last saw one another, and while you appear to have moved on with your life and gotten together with someone new, I’ve remained at a standstill. I tried staying away from you, but it did not stop me from thinking about you and missing you terribly.

It hurts, it really hurts. I keep forcing myself to consciously choose me, but every time I come across your tweets or anything you post, I take two steps back again. I’m emotionally drained and I feel helplessly stuck in this time vacuum. I keep thinking back if I could have done anything different or better to salvage our relationship, but my mind remains blank. Maybe I am just a foolish person clinging on to a romantic dream that has long since disappeared into thin air.

I had truly believe we were meant for each other and that you were the right one for me. I guess it still hurts so much, because I still believe (foolishly) we are meant to be.

I suffered the same acute heartache in 2011 when I thought you had found someone new. It drove me crazy that I wanted to do drastic things to myself. That was a terrible night to be me. I went through 2012 wanting to be free from the mental shackles you’ve put me through and to build up my courage to speak to you again, hoping that we would find each other again. It’s 2013 and I find myself immersed in fresh pain at the thought of you with someone new. This time, I managed to find a sense of control that wasn’t there before, but it doesn’t mean it hurts less. It still does, and I hope one day you will feel the pain I feel for you and know that there was once someone who loved you even more than life itself. Goodnight.

P/S: Dear Universe, here I am once again. I’m finally ready now and I know you will make things happen for me. I want to be extremely happy and lucky, meet and be with the person of my dreams (preferably within the next one week) and be JK Rowling-rich! Thank you!

1

It’s my 30th birthday

Happy 30th BirthdayBe nice.

Today’s the day I turn 30. And I am a little nonchalant about the 30 years I have taken to get here. It should be an impressive milestone celebrated with the family, close friends and perhaps a life partner, but all I feel is ‘meh’. While in my teens, I’ve always thought I’d die young.You know, because I’d be living the fast and dangerous rebel’s life.

But the minute I hit 25, my perspective changed to ‘I want to live for as long as possible and to do great things in my life’. So far, I have accomplished the ‘live as long as possible’ bit, but sadly I’m still far away from the ‘do great things’ part and was getting depressed over it.

So what did I do? I Googled about ‘turning 30’. And my best friend did not let me down. In 0.43 seconds, it showed me 234,000,000 results on why turning 30 may not be that bad after all.

Julie Tilsner, who wrote about the subject in her book 29 and Counting, said:

‘Thirty is nothing to be afraid of. You’ve got a whole new decade to work with, and this time you’re prepared! You’re educated, you have years in the workplace, you finally know what your hair will and won’t do. You can still dance on tables, but you have some life experience. Turning 30 is actually a really awesome thing.’

All sounds very positive. So there’s absolutely nothing to feel gloomy or to freak out about.

30 Is Different for Everyone

When I was younger, I’d dream about being an astronaut, or a pilot (much like Tom Cruise from Top Gun. Still a brilliant film and a handsome guy, no matter what anyone says!) or Indiana Jones. Whether I become a lawyer or a doctor, I’d be cool, charismatic and carefree like the heroes I aspire to be.

Then I hit the teenage years and things started going downhill from there. I got mixed up in the wrong crowds, I played truant from school, I ran away from home, I gave up a promising sports career in the national team and I dropped out of school. All before I turned 16. In short, I got distracted from obtaining a good education that would supposedly set me on my path to greatness.

Two years later, I woke up metaphorically from my ‘going-nowhere-in-life’ slumber. I also had my first major heartbreak from a relationship I thought would last forever. I nearly killed myself because of one person, until my mum came home just in time to stop me. How silly, right? I felt stuck working in a restaurant. There is nothing with earning a decent living as a service staff, but it just didn’t feel like I was in the right job, doing the right thing I like. That got me thinking about my life, my future and myself.

I picked up the pieces, bit by bit. I changed to a permanent part-time job at a pub and I signed up for part-time classes to get the necessary certifications to get to the art school I wanted. I even went back to my former secondary school to seek help from my art teacher to improve my portfolio. That was how determined I was.

At age 20, I finally got into the art school I was aiming for. I was taking my car and motorbike licences. I had a relatively cushy part-time job. I met someone new to get over the heartbreak I had been nursing for the past two years. I was popular in school, just like in secondary school. So I was still cool, charismatic and carefree. I was delighted with life.

In the year that I was due to turn 21, I met someone who would prove to be a great love of my life. We spent all our waking hours together and we were inseparable and everyone was envious of us and what we had. There were rough moments. I had the nastiest temper and I was immature. And yet we were together for the next five years, most of which were good and we stuck together through the ups and all obstacles that objected to our relationship. We had a fiery relationship and sparks flew all the time. But it was tough to keep the spark between us alive, and ultimately, it was to burn out like a flame. I had to let go.

In my 25th year on earth, I found a job I enjoyed and something I can proudly proclaim to be relatively good at and skills that have enabled me to earn a decent living. I was a journalist. I’ve always wanted to write for a living and I did. I also met someone I thought I could fall in love with and start afresh in my love life. Well, it started afresh alright, but it wasn’t meant to last because I was still in love with the great love of my life. I couldn’t let go and it took a toll on me. I had volatile mood swings and my behaviour was dodgy. I would have dumped my sorry ass too, now that I am looking back. We spent close to a year together, but the relationship ended and gave me the second major heartbreak of my relatively young life. It took me a year to get over it and dust the debris away. One of the reasons I created this blog was to write about the pain I had inside me. I was broken for a long time, but while learning to deal with the pain, I learned many things about myself and I made some new lasting friendships that helped me through the turmoil I was in.

Soon the year I was turning 28 arrived. And I met someone whom I wanted to give my whole life to make her happy all the time. More than half of the posts published (and set as private) on this blog have been dedicated to her. I have never filled up so much virtual space about someone before. I have no idea if I would ever do (or feel) the same for anyone else again.

Now That I Am Finally 30
Now that I am turning 30, the past no longer seems like a chink on my armour. I get that I may not be as talented, as popular, as good-looking, as famous, as wealthy as other people my age, but it’s okay. I am still special in my own way; I am a little unique snowflake that will just be doing adult-like things in my own time. I may not be a best-selling author or a successful CEO yet, but I am still a success in my own way.

Should I have spent my teens studying hard and get Bs so I could have gotten into a good college? Should I have not spent all my hours on going to dance clubs and drink myself silly? On hindsight, maybe I should have. Should I have done better in art school instead of watching TV and playing Warcraft with my friends and indulging in Football Manager on most of my days? Maybe. But I didn’t, because I have not touched Warcraft or Football Manager since 2005 and I do not regret getting the most joy out of those games, even though I know I was wasting my time.

Yes, there are people who have made millions before they are 25, earn $10,000 a month by 27 or be famous and successful entrepreneurs before turning 30. Maybe I am an exception. Maybe I am on a different timeline from the rest and there is no happiness to be gained if I keep comparing myself with others. Life is not a race. Life is what you make of it and how happy and satisfied you deem yourself to be, not to spend your hours being envious of others.

Our whole idea about life before or after 30 should not be defined by the progress we are supposed to make or terms dictated by society. It doesn’t mean if we don’t realise our potential by 30, we are never going to succeed; there may be pieces of us that take years to gel and make us the successful person we will become.

According to Heidi Grant Halvorson, author of Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals, we should live our whole life as if we’re in our twenties. ‘It’s that keep-inching-forward mentality that will allow you to be happy with your choices.’

Yes, I admit I am a little sad at the things I have not accomplished or the stuff I thought I would have achieved by now like being an extremely successful high-flyer, having my own apartment, being with the love of my life and travelling around the world. Maybe I am too old to be an astronaut now. Maybe this is the wrong era to be Indiana Jones. Maybe there were many decisions I could have made to get to a different place from where I am now.

But, have I failed at life? I went from a school dropout to studying part-time for a business degree now (very much like Larry Crowne but without the hot lecturer. Nice movie anyway. Go watch it!). I went from a junior service staff to having a relatively okay-paying mid-level media job I enjoy. I have my health (until the results confirm otherwise) and my parents who love me more than I can ever imagine. I am much more confident now and wiser than in my 20s. I am also more than okay to spend time alone and to enjoy my own companionship. I also value myself more. I imagine life can only go up from here.

I am not sure if I will like the idea of turning 30 at all, but now that I am already here, I might as well enjoy it while it last. After all, there’s still the looming 31 to dread over.

So, I will enjoy the year ahead with as much vigour as a unique little snowflake should, because I am 30 and to hell with the rest of you, I’m gonna celebrate by pampering myself the whole of today.

Because today is my day, and no one can be Me-er than Me. 🙂

And stay tuned for the 30 life lessons I’ve learned from my 30 years.

[Image via Sommecards]

0

You’ve got the sweetest ass in the world

When I first heard this line on the comedy ‘Wedding Band’, it made me laugh out loud and I immediately thought of an ass whom I’ve missed greatly. Maybe she will never know, but this is a cheeky tribute to her extremely fair, perky buttocks whose tender round cheeks I missed aiming a bite at.

Cheesy lyrics trying to rhyme, a catchy tune and pumping dance beats that you can shake your butt twice at… What’s not to love about this song?!

I hear your voice when none was around

I’m still here and I’m losing ground

Feel like the earth move under my feet

I feel you in every single heartbeat

You are a lovely, lovely refrain

You spin around and round in my brain

But today, mostly, I am feeling pensive and the weather has been reflecting my mood — dark clouds, heavy downpour, chilly winds — and watching romantic films like ‘Notting Hill’ (even though it’s also listed as a comedy) with quotes like below only makes it worse.

There’s this girl … She’s someone I just can’t — someone who … self-evidently can’t be mine — and it’s as if I’ve taken love-heroin — and now I can’t even have it again. I’ve opened Pandora’s box. And there’s trouble inside.

The truth is … with you, I’m in real danger. It’d look like a perfect situation, apart from that foul temper of yours — but my relatively inexperienced heart would, I fear, not recover if I was once again … cast aside, which I would absolutely expect to be … You’d go and I’d be … well, buggered, basically.

[Lyrics via http://www.lyricsforsong.net/]

[Script via Awesomefilm.com]

1

My 30th birthday is approaching

Hi there! I created this blog post on 16 October and did a draft, but didn’t feel like it was good enough to be published. So I thought I’d give myself one more month to let my thoughts incubate a bit more before I let you read my inner, deepest, darkest, funniest thoughts. Heh.

I know I don’t update this blog regularly as much as I said I would, but there are just times when I don’t know what to write about or that I know what I want to say but I have difficultly expressing my thoughts eloquently. Irony, I know. So I feel that the wisest thing to do sometimes is not write or talk at all if I have nothing to say or can’t think coherently.

So it’s 16/17 November today (depending on which time zone you’re in). And in around 30 days or so, it’d be my 30th birthday. Which means I’ve revolved around the sun 30 times. Mind-blowing, I know.

It’s also Ludwig van Beethoven’s birthday. He would have been 242 years old. Or may have never been born if his mother had chosen to abort him because she was afraid that he’d be disabled, according to urban myths. Thankfully, she allowed him to live and create some of the best classical compositions I’ve ever listened to.

My favourite compositions are Moonlight Sonata and Fur Elise. Have a listen, if you haven’t already. I remember the emotions that overcame me when I first heard them. It was as though I could feel the pain he went through when he could not be with the girl he had loved dearly and because of the love he felt for her, he wrote and dedicated this sonata for her. Lovely.

AND 16 December was also the day when The Boston Tea Party occurred! Ok, that was not so positive. Moving on…

So apparently if you did a Google search, turning 30 is really a big deal for almost everyone. Seriously, there are about 530,000,000 results online helping you dissect why the number 30 is scary. So you’re not alone. There are millions of people who are freaking out just like what you are doing right now. Not me, I am feeling pretty calm.

But I guess the biggest questions on my mind are: “What have I achieved in the past 30 years? What can I be proud of? What should I do from now? Do I have any regrets? Am I happy? Have I fulfilled my life goals? Am I leading a meaningful life?”

OK, now I get why turning 30 can be depressing.

I had two of the most memorable birthday celebrations when I was 28 and 29 with this girl who I think the world of (nearly half of the blog posts here are written about or for her). I try not to let my mind wonder about how my 30th birthday celebration would be like. It’s better to focus on the present for now. And whatever will be, will be.

But just like the quote above, I hope all the wisdom and inner peace I’ve been seeking my whole life, especially more fervently in the past year, will miraculously appear when I finally hit 30. And stay tuned for my upcoming ’30 for 30′ series of posts in the run-up to my big day. Yay.

[Image via The Creative Paige]

0

Ride off into the sunset with me

20121102-191228.jpg

You, me, riding off into the sunset together. How about it?

I’m going to love you so much that no one is ever going to be good enough for you. And I mean every word. And I’ve never been more serious my whole life.

Are you ready to ride off into the sunset with me?

I heard this song on TV and it was beautiful. It was from one of my favourite bands and the haunting melody for some reason made me think of you immediately.

You know how you can’t help it when sometimes you look at me and you realise that I am the best things that have ever happened in your life.

Because for you, I am perfect. HA!

P/S: By the way, according to my tarot card reading, November is an excellent time for business ventures, financial affairs and all things related to the material world. I should implement any changes I have been considering in my business affairs. I will also receive recognition for my past effort in the form of financial rewards, respect and possibly, promotion. Woooooo… hehe!

It will also be a good time to straighten out financial dealings I may have with friends or relatives as well, as this month is not a good time to go into debt.

Most importantly, November is a good time for love. Strong feelings and passionate exchanges on the emotional and physical levels make this an exciting month. Can’t wait! 🙂

0

Last person you think of at night

20121022-030019.jpg

I have nothing to else to add. This pic says it all for me tonight. Who do you think of every night before you fall asleep? For me, it’s you every single time.

‘I’d do it all over again, you know. Us, you, me… all of it. I’d do it again. I’d choose you every time.’ — A quote from the movie Date Night

I watched this film earlier in the evening when I was supposed to be studying. I was totally distracted and it was guilt-inducing to waste two hours like that, but it felt so good to laugh out loud at silly humour. It’s been a while since I had laughed so heartily.

0

The lake house

I wish my dog can play chess with me too!

I watched ‘The Lake House’ on Friday night and by the end of it, I had tears in my eyes. Geez, I have no idea why I’ve become a bigger crybaby the older I get. The story doesn’t make any sense really, but I thought certain scenes (like the one above) were lovely and the book featured in the movie had some great quotes, which I feel relate to my life and my feelings right now. Obviously. And the scraggly looking dog in the film looks like my dog. They have the same fluff all over the face and a little beard. Maybe they are related. LOL!

Alex: How’s your sunset?
Kate: It’s perfect. I only wish you were here to share it with me.

Alex: Don’t worry, Kate. We’ll be together in time. Even if we’re far apart, I’ll find a way to get close to you… and take care of you.

Kate: (quotes the line from the book “Persuasion”) There could have been no two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in unison.

Kate: [The book] ‘Persuasion’ — it’s about waiting. These two people; they meet, they almost fall in love, but the timing isn’t right, they have to part. And then years later they meet again; they get another chance… You know, but they don’t know… if too much time has passed… [and if] they’ve waited too long… too late to make it work.

If two people are meant for each other, it doesn’t mean they have to be together right now… but they will be eventually. Agree?

[Image via imaginaryhat]

1

Tom Ford and Richard Buckley Forever

Tom Ford and the love of his life

I was researching the Internet for a marketing assignment I am doing when I came across this headline ‘Tom Ford is a father!’ and I immediately clicked on it. Obviously.

As it turns out, the feted fashion designer, 51, and his long-term partner Richard Buckley (pictured left, if you don’t know who Ford is), 64, has a new baby son recently. But that’s not the amazing part of the story. The most amazing part of it is that Ford has been in a relationship with Buckley for the past 25 years. That’s a relationship that is only slightly younger than me! How awesome is that?!

So I continued reading the article and it brought me to another link to where the original story was taken from: Out.com. And the recollections from Ford and Buckley on how they felt when they first saw each other, how they were both ready to settle down, fall in love, and how they are growing old together was so beautifully written that my eyes were moist by the time I finished reading it. I know, what’s up with my emotions the older I grow, right?! HAHA!

The couple met when Ford was just 25 (and a nobody then) and Buckley, the former editor-in-chief of Vogue Hommes International, was 38. And how their love began and continues to stay strong is a heart-warming story.

Tom Ford, designer:
You can look at someone and feel like you’ve known him forever. The first night I ever had drinks with Richard I felt I knew everything about him…

We first encountered each other at a fashion show in New York in 1986. He was confident and handsome in a way that made him almost unapproachable. His stare was so intense that it completely unnerved me, and when the show was over I literally bolted out the door and down the street to avoid him.

Ten days later, my employer, Cathy Hardwick, sent me to the office of Women’s Wear Daily to retrieve some clothes. I was directed to the roof where they were being photographed, and as the elevator opened, there was the man with the eyes the color of water…

He was adorable, and he was a complete fool. He was sort of dancing around, flashing his eyes at me, and trying so hard to be charming. I decided in that elevator ride that I was going to marry him. I’m very pragmatic, and I was, like, OK, there’s some kind of connection here. He ticked every box, and — boom — by the time we got to the floor, I was like, OK, sold.

He seemed so together. He was so handsome, he was so connected, he was so grown-up, so he was very intimidating. And he really chased me — not that he had to chase that hard. It excited me but it also scared me, because I knew he was different and that whatever it was I felt with him was very different from what I’d felt before.

Now, we say it [I love you] to each other every night before we go to sleep, and we say it at the end of every telephone conversation, and we write it at the end of every e-mail. Every time you think, I love you, I really believe you have to say it. If you think about holding their hand or kissing them, you do it. I do it all the time.

Getting older together has been interesting because we’ve both changed. I was very quiet at the beginning of our relationship — I’m actually a very, extremely, almost pathologically shy person, which no one believes today, because I have also mastered a work/public façade that takes an enormous amount of energy to project. And Richard, when we first got together, was very, very social and very talkative.. but meeting us today you would think the opposite.

One of the things that always amuses me — amuses isn’t even the right word, because it doesn’t amuse me — but often, I’m at dinner parties with very close friends, straight, and they realize that Richard and I have been together 24 years, and the response is often, ‘Wow, you guys have been together 24 years! That’s so amazing. I don’t think of gay men being together that long.’ And I’m, like, ‘Why? What are you talking about?’ Some of the longest relationships I know of are same-sex couples. A lot of my straight friends have married and divorced and married and divorced in the time Richard and I have been together.

I’m someone who likes being part of a couple and always wanted that and always sought that, and it would probably be true for me whether I was gay or straight.

Richard and I are bound together, and I think that’s what that recognition is when you look someone in the eyes and you feel like you’ve known them forever. It is a kind of coming home.

Richard Buckley, writer:

The whole time down in the elevator I was babbling on like a schoolgirl… I was shamelessly flirting with this boy. He, meanwhile, said nothing, and the quieter he was, the sillier I became.

For our first date… Tom sat there chit-chatting: ‘And in 10 years I’m going to be showing my own collection in Paris, and I’m going to be a millionaire, and I’m going to do this, and I’m going to do that.’ And I kept thinking, This guy is really naive. But as we talked about other things, it was almost like seeing down a rabbit hole. I felt like I was looking at his eyes, and it was just spinning around and taking me down inside him. I could see he was a good man with a big heart.

I couldn’t imagine being without Tom now. I couldn’t imagine what I’d be like if something happened to him. There’s only one Tom for me. He is still that man who I met 24 years ago, who has a good heart.

0

Think before you react

I am not in the best of moods tonight and I’m having difficulty concentrating on what should be my highest priority now. Let’s just say my mood involved plenty of uncontrollable tears and keep it as that. My mind has gone wild and restless and I can feel myself on the verge of doing something very impulsive and illogical. So I let my mind wander and thankfully I did, otherwise I wouldn’t have come across this image.

Sometimes I think the Universe always sends us a message when it senses that we need help in our greatest hour of need. And tonight is the moment I needed a clear head.

“Before you react, think.”

Very apt. And so I’ve calmed down. The bonus is that the quote is from one of the authors that I’ve always emulated my writing on. Double yay!

If you were like me trawling around the Internet hoping to find some answers or a sign, here it is. Here’s your sign. I hope it helps you as much as it gave me peace. 🙂

0

Together forever

It’s that time of the month again when I take out my monthly tarot card reading and see what my future would be like for the new month. Apt, since it’s 1 October (well, 1:08am to be specific on a Sunday night) and I have the next 31 days to contemplate, plan and lead the best life I can for myself.

Distance yourself somewhat from the affairs and troubles of other people. During the course of this year, you have been asked to help, counsel, and advise others many times. Now, give yourself a break. Spend time alone for contemplation and meditation. Studying and reading are also favourable.

Your workload does not decrease but much of it is routine and allows you to mentally drift. Still, your mind is sharp and you can easily concentrate when you want to.

Inner healing takes place. Old wounds may be reopened. There is some sadness and nostalgia, but the healing is real and needed. This is a time of spiritual growth. Postpone decisions regarding financial affairs, if possible, until
next month.

Matters of the heart are also a low priority. You are not very clear this month and would rather not be bothered with it. Emphasize your personal well-being. Diet, exercise, and go for walks. Don’t distract yourself from soul-searching by watching television or other mind-numbing practices.

In many ways, your experience of this month will set the tone and direction for next year.

I like the part which says I get to ‘mentally drift’ during work this month. Hahaha! But I have to remember not to watch too much TV. 😦 I wonder what other mind-numbing practices I should stay away from… Napping? Stoning? Eating till I go into food coma?

I’m already taking care of my well-being by exercising four times a week. I’m still 1kg away from my ideal weight, so I’m not planning to diet, although I’d love to go on a fruit juice detox plan one day, just to cleanse my system.

And I definitely have to study and read a lot more than usual this month, since my exams are approaching and I am scared to bits. I’m at the stage where I’m consoling myself that I should be happy with a pass (even though my silly mind is burning with ambition to score distinctions without putting in effort). Roll eyes, right?

Do you think things will feel different if we ever meet up after months of not seeing each other? I keep chasing this ‘connection’ I think I have with you, but I lose more of myself each time because I don’t know if you feel the same for me at all.

How do we know it’s love between us? It can be quite hard to explain, because love is a feeling that’s too intangible to express, although I have tried blogging about my love for you here many times.So here’s another list of why I think it’s true everlasting meant-to-be love between us. Hahaha!

I know I’m in love because all I want to do is take care of you for the rest of my life.

I know I’m in love because when I think of you smiling, I smile too.

I know I’m in love when you make me laugh a lot and when I feel very pleased with myself when I make you laugh.

I know I’m in love because you get me to do things I’ve never thought of doing before and I do things willingly for you.

I know I’m in love because every time I see something new or funny or interesting or if I have something amazing, you’re the first person I want to share it with.

I know I’m in love because I’d daydream about what life would be like if we live together.

I know I’m in love because the thought of living life without you makes me sad.

I know I’m in love because whether it is today or tomorrow, whenever I ask myself if I love you, I’d always say “yes” without hesitation. And how much do I love you?

Well, when I think about 30 years from now, and if you’re ever sick in bed, I know I’d be doing all I can to make sure you feel better like putting facial masks on you, cooking food for you and sayang-ing you to sleep, just like how you took care of me when I was sick on the day before New Year’s Eve in 2011. That’s how much I can love you. Gan dong hor!