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Love when you’re ready

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Are you a fan of one of my favourite shows this season? Well, you should be. If not, you better start watching Californication soon, because it fucking blows your mind. Quite literally at times, with the amount of swear words, drugs, sex, roll and rock and decadence and debauchery the producers can provide in an 30-minute episode.

I love this particular season finale Season 6, episode 12 of Californication: “I’ll Lay My Monster Down”. It was a mixed bag of emotions—some warm, sweet and lovely, some heartbreaking and forlorn because of unrequited feelings and unresolved issues.

Atticus Fetch: The woman that you love is out there and you know you can’t have her. How do you even get up in the morning?

Hank Moody: Well, the booze is always helpful, and so is the art. Everything that I write is either for her or about her. So I’m with her, even when I’m not.

Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?

This scene reminded me of the times the numerous blogposts I wrote and have unknowingly dedicated to this particular someone I fell in love with the past three years.

Maybe we are not meant to be together in this lifetime, but it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped thinking about her or wondering what might have been. I’ve just managed to block her out of my mind for the time being, but I know that the second I allow the dams to burst, everything will come rushing out. So I keep all my thoughts hidden under a sea of calm, hoping that my memory will soon be erased (wishful thinking, I know, but you’d be amazed how time can dilute your memory). Maybe after a while, I wouldn’t even remember that this person once existed in my life.

I guess this is why I feel like I’m in a daze sometimes—lost and adrift in the middle of the sea—trying to find an anchor (or an idyllic island paradise) in my life. Do I really want to love someone again? Am I ready to let someone into my life again? These are questions I have no answers to.

Maybe that’s why I thought the quote above is apt for today.

Love when you’re ready; not when you’re lonely.

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Because I’m worth it

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So I’m still sad, but I’ve mostly numbed myself from reality or seeing/reading anything that could affect my emotions. Thinking about it hurts obviously, but I’ve learned to not resist and instead of finding distractions, I allow myself to view the pain from far. Then I’d observe the sadness as I would an art exhibition and let it go like releasing a balloon into the sky. It’s a conscious effort to will myself to not over-think and just let go, like what I have been saying in the past few blog posts.

I also realise I tend to blog on Sunday nights. Perhaps my mind becomes clearer after unwinding from the hectic workweek and my thoughts have been allowed to incubate.

Anyway, I read this article on The Guardian early last week when I was doing research for my work and thought “Wahey! I totally understand what this guy’s saying – economic terms and theories and all!”

It was a proud moment for me, because it proved that investing in myself to go for further studies had not been a complete waste of money and time. So yay. I deserve at least two pats.

Anyway, moving on to the article. It made me laugh. I was thoroughly amused by the author’s views and methods and, of course, the happy ending all good stories should have.

Here’s the premise: When one economist couldn’t get a girlfriend, he had an idea: restrict his supply, find a gap in the market and establish a monopoly.

Yes, the guy basically found love by using the principles of economics, which is bloody BRILLIANT. Don’t you think?

I realised that you can only play hard to get once the woman actually knows and likes you. This is because by then you have differentiated yourself from the other men on the market, so you gain more control over your market price. As you come to be seen as an individual with unique characteristics, rather than one of many men trying to get some attention in a club, the market structure changes from one of many competitors selling homogeneous goods to one of a handful of competitors. Playing hard to get is suited only to at least the second or third date, because only then is demand sufficiently inelastic for a woman to tolerate, or even be attracted by, a rise in price.

Being with Sarah cost me time, money and emotional investment. It also cost me the things that I couldn’t have because I was with her, such as nights out with my friends and the chance to meet other women. Those missed things are what are known, in economic terms, as opportunity costs. With these, we have to look at our spending decisions relative to what else is available to make sure we’re getting the best deal for ourselves.

If I’d thought more like an economist, I’d have known to disregard the time I had already spent queueing. That time had been and gone; it was a sunk cost. What I should have asked was, “What do I want to be doing right now?”

In short… Approach the problem (in this case, meeting the right person) rationally, target it with a few possible solutions, try, discard solution if it doesn’t work and try again until you achieve your goal. Simple… Right?

In conclusion, I’m gonna be a Rolex watch, baby!

P/S: If I ever fall in love again, I’m gonna love my other half using the Keynesian Multiplier approach.

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Thank you, Sir Alex Ferguson

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Sir Alex Ferguson applauds the fans. Photograph: Phil Noble/Reuters

There have been plenty of tributes to the great man on the Internet since last Wednesday and many of them have said what I felt in my heart about the best football manager in the world.

Seriously, there’s nothing more I can say, except that I cried really badly last night from the moment Fergie walked out of the tunnel towards the guard of honour his players had formed for him to the moment he began his final speech at Old Trafford. In fact, I welled up every time I read another tribute to Fergie. It’s that bad.

It was 1am and I was a blubbering mess, with tears welling up and sniffles in my nose. It felt equivalent to a heart broken by a failed relationship. I had been grieving a loss since last year, so yes, I am very familiar with the concept of a heartbreak.

I am Manchester United through and through. I have been a fan ever since I watched Eric Cantona with his popped collar volleyed the ball past the throngs of players to score the only goal against Liverpool in the 1996 FA Cup final. United won 1:0 and my football soul was pledged to the team ever since. The mesmerising moment can be found in the video below.

So yes, I have never known a world without Sir Alex as the manager of Manchester United. Because of SAF, I have known and lived the pride and joys (and pains) of being a red.

Standing on the pitch, Ferguson told the crowd: “I have absolutely no script in my mind. I’m just going to ramble on and hope I get to the core of what this football club has meant to me. Thank you to Manchester United, not just the directors, coaching staff, medical staff, the players, the fans, all of you – you have been the most fantastic experience of my life, so thank you. I’ve been very fortunate. I have been able to manage some of the greatest players in the country, let alone Manchester United.”

Thank you, SAF, for 27 years of glory, late comebacks, last-minute winners, the wins and even the defeats. You too have given me some of the best experiences and memories of Manchester United. Because of you, the impossible dream was made possible.

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I’m not sure which is worse

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You know, I realise it has become one of my weekly rituals to blog about how I feel about you every other Sunday and how I would tag the post as ‘secret’, because I don’t think anyone else knows or understands what my heart is seeking.

Sometimes there’s just this trepidation in my heart that I don’t know how to quell. And the panic level would keep rising and I would lose my inner peace. Just like what Po the Dragon Warrior had to go through, it’s been a long arduous journey to find my inner peace.

With that, I’d like to leave you with this quote I heard from watching season 4, episode 14 of White Collar (Shoot the Moon) which it made me tear:

Real love is fighting like hell to hold onto every moment you have with her. It’s making a life together and making it work, no matter what happens. You want a love for the ages? I think that’s great. Prove it. Make it last. — Peter Burke

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The one with the proposal

I love Friends. I mean, who doesn’t, right? I have watched the reruns so many uncountable times and yet I have always laughed at the same scenes all over again because it really is a brilliantly written comedy.

The actors played their roles perfectly and they were the sort of friends I wish I had in my life. They shared so many similar experiences that I could relate to and became such a huge part of my life that I was so sad when the series ended its run in 2004.

And the script below is from one of my favourite episodes ever Friends: Season 6, episode 24 and 25 (click here for the full script). It made me laughed and teared all at the same time. How brilliant is that? Here’s how.

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is running up the stairs and towards his apartment. Joey is taking out the garbage at the same time and stops him in the hall.]

Joey: Dude!

Chandler: I can’t talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!

Joey: She’s gone.

Chandler: What?

Joey: She’s gone. She had a bag and she left.

Chandler: What are you talking about?

Joey: She was all crying. She… she said you guys want different things, and that she needed time to think.

Chandler: Well, why didn’t you stop her?! Why didn’t you just tell her it was a plan?!

Joey: I–I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldn’t believe me.

Chandler: Well, where… Where did she go?

Joey: To her parent’s, I think and she said you shouldn’t call her. But if I were you, I would.

Chandler: I can’t believe I ruined this.

Joey: I am so sorry, man.

(Chandler walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)

Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.

(He turns to look at Joey, who smiles slyly and closes the door, leaving them alone.)

Chandler: Oh my God.

(Monica gets down on one knee.)

Monica: Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starts to cry.) As to… fall in love with my best… my best… There’s a reason why girls don’t do this!

Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought… (Starts to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I–I can do this. (Pause)

I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realised the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starts to cry again.) And if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?

Monica: (Takes a deep breath.) Yes.

(The crowd goes wild as Chandler puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)

One day, if I ever had the chance to propose to someone special, the text in bold quotes would be exactly what I’d say. Ok, now to stop tearing.

Because, darling, you look wonderful tonight. *hums the tune from Eric Clapton’s Wonderful Tonight*

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The one with the proposal

I love Friends. I mean, who doesn’t, right? I have watched the reruns so many uncountable times and yet I have always laughed at the same scenes all over again because it really is a brilliantly written comedy.

The actors played their roles perfectly and they were the sort of friends I wish I had in my life. They shared so many similar experiences that I could relate to and became such a huge part of my life that I was so sad when the series ended its run in 2004.

And the script below is from one of my favourite episodes ever Friends: Season 6, episode 24 and 25 (click here for the full script). It made me laughed and teared all at the same time. How brilliant is that? Here’s how.

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is running up the stairs and towards his apartment. Joey is taking out the garbage at the same time and stops him in the hall.]

Joey: Dude!

Chandler: I can’t talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!

Joey: She’s gone.

Chandler: What?

Joey: She’s gone. She had a bag and she left.

Chandler: What are you talking about?

Joey: She was all crying. She… she said you guys want different things, and that she needed time to think.

Chandler: Well, why didn’t you stop her?! Why didn’t you just tell her it was a plan?!

Joey: I–I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldn’t believe me.

Chandler: Well, where… Where did she go?

Joey: To her parent’s, I think and she said you shouldn’t call her. But if I were you, I would.

Chandler: I can’t believe I ruined this.

Joey: I am so sorry, man.

(Chandler walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)

Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.

(He turns to look at Joey, who smiles slyly and closes the door, leaving them alone.)

Chandler: Oh my God.

(Monica gets down on one knee.)

Monica: Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starts to cry.) As to… fall in love with my best… my best… There’s a reason why girls don’t do this!

Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought… (Starts to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I–I can do this. (Pause)

I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realised the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starts to cry again.) And if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?

Monica: (Takes a deep breath.) Yes.

(The crowd goes wild as Chandler puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)

One day, if I ever had the chance to propose to someone special, the text in bold quotes would be exactly what I’d say. Ok, now to stop tearing.

Because, darling, you look wonderful tonight. *hums the tune from Eric Clapton’s Wonderful Tonight*