0

Nothing makes me happier

20131029-230745.jpg

Nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder … than you.

It’s true. I haven’t felt right for a long time. It’s nearly 1.5 or two years… The past few days I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind, as I recalled the conversation we used to have. Oh well, let’s move on. I can only feel ’emo’ for this long. Besides, this quote is applicable for my studies and shopping purchases as you will read below…

I can’t believe I haven’t blogged for close to a month. In my defence, I was swamped with work and studies, though there’s nothing to crow about, since I will most likely not get any first-class honours. It’d be a miracle if I do receive high distinctions for my papers. Still, my fingers will remain crossed. After all, I’m always lucky. You never know…

Also, in spite of my busy schedule, I found time to go on a shopping spree, which was therapeutic, but certainly not cheaper than getting a massage or spa treatment. In fact, I might need to see a therapist after this. You know how it is when your friends show off their shopping goodies and you’d tut-tut at them for spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on branded clothes, bags and shoes (and sometimes they’d be broke after that)? And then you would exclaim how you would never spend that much money on such materialistic items, because you are absolutely confident that you can find cheaper and equally nice substitutes? Yup, I’ve become one of those people you’d tut-tut at for spending ridiculous amounts of dough on luxury goods. Now I know why Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City goes crazy over expensive branded shoes. I totally get you now, Carrie.

I swear I’m not a brand whore, BUT … The stuff I buy are really, really nice, because I have excellent taste and fabulous dress sense. Ahem. Anyway, I’m lazy to post pictures; you just gotta trust me on this. I highly recommend everyone to buy ridiculously expensive clothes and shoes, because they are really comfortable. And the quality is absolutely topnotch — so good you know for certain it will probably outlast your lifespan. Say, you slip your feet in well-crafted exquisitely soft leather shoes, you’d immediately feel like “Ah… This is what a good life should be.”

Once you buy your first pair of $500-700 luxury shoes, you’ll wonder why have you spent half of your life without them. And the next thing you know… You’re signing a credit card slip for a $1,200-worth pair of shoes. Yup, by the time you reach home, you’re still in a daze from the swiftness of that transaction, but you are also gleeful of how good you look in the mirror. Then when you add the cost of the branded shirts and bottoms to the shoes, you’d realise your outfit from head to toe is probably worth around $1,000 or more, which would shock you for like five seconds and then you’d quickly put it out of your mind. Because you’re thinking of your next purchase. True story.

The only thing I haven’t splurged on is bags, because I have a specific requirement for them. But I have my eye on a few items already… So don’t be surprised if you see me on the streets looking like a million bucks one day; my outfit would probably have cost that much. Hahaha!

0

The value of a moment

20130616-222051.jpg

“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.” —Dr Seuss

It’s true, you know. Until moments and events become the past, you will never realise how much they had affected or influenced you.

More frequently than ever, especially in the past two weeks, I’ve been mentally kicking myself for letting the love of my life go. She was amazing, gorgeous, intelligent, humorous, with good fashion sense, a perfect body and an ability to whip up amazing meals. She was truly one of a kind and yet I let her go, because I couldn’t see how much she meant to me then.

Ever since then (and I really believe this is a curse she laid upon me after breaking her heart that one last time), I have never been able to trust or love anyone wholeheartedly. While others have loved, lost and found new loves, I’ve been stuck in quicksand but someone had set my drowning in slow-mo. I feel like I’m doomed to repeat my mistakes in relationships. Over and over again. This is one unpleasant Groundhog Day I wish I can wake up from and kick it out of my memory.

Still, there’s this sinking feeling in my heart that I can’t get rid of. I think I’m getting better though. I can’t really say how or why, but my mind is less cluttered. I might not seem to be doing anything important in my life right now… But at least I can feel myself healing emotionally.

It’s consciously telling myself that I will move on, instead of giving myself a hard time about the mistakes I made or things I should have done. It’s learning that I have to forgive myself and let go. There is no point in putting myself in “mental prison” for the past.

Yes, there are days when it’s harder than usual to let go or not dwell over the past… But I keep moving forward, no matter how long or slow it takes me to make that one tiny step. Progress is subjective; commitment to letting go is visceral. Wow, never thought I was such a deep thinker, eh?

0

Be in love with your life

20130416-225552.jpg

“Be in love with your life. Every minute of it.” —Jack Kerouac

I choose me. Every waking minute of every day. Any mental energy I have, I will spend it on myself thinking about me and how I should improve.

It’s about telling myself “I’m upset, I’m angry, but you know what? I’m going to deal with it, because I want to stop feeling miserable and I will do whatever it takes to make sure I change how I feel now.”

It’s challenging to stop my mind from wandering to unhealthy thoughts that do not benefit me, but every time I find myself wavering, I would stop myself in mid-thought and say: “I choose me.”

My life will move on. Even if I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. Even if I have done the stupidest thing in the world by texting someone to ask about something that I shouldn’t care about. Even if I keep hoping that I would get a reply. Even if what I did was uncool, desperate and downright silly!

The good thing about feeling so down is that I don’t have to worry about anyone else, but me.

I was trying so hard to be chosen again that I lost sight of myself. Well, I have stopped that. And I’m going to sleep.

Sleep is good. Sleep is rejuvenating, especially when I spent the past few sleepless nights getting my mind all messed up, because I couldn’t let go.

From one of my favourite blogs to read, here’s one of the 10 things on a checklist we should do when we hit rock bottom:

Sleep 8-10 hours. Sleeping is rejuvenating. You won’t care if you go broke while you sleep. You also can’t obsess on loneliness while you sleep. In general, sleeping is pretty good. If you are having trouble sleeping, take some natural remedy or take some anti-anxiety medicine. Whatever it takes – you need to sleep.

I’ve been exercising regularly (which makes me really happy and exhausted by the end of the night) and I’m going to attend meditation classes soon. I’ve been writing more regularly now to get my feelings out in the open. I’ve stopped drinking alcohol since September. I eat lighter dinners now and I read a lot of random stuff that make me laugh and cry (sometimes all at the same time). And you know what? I’m going to repeat the 10 things Altucher recommends tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and the day after that tomorrow and beyond.

Excuses are for people trying to be chosen by others. When you choose yourself, there are no more excuses.

It doesn’t matter what happens to me next, because I have chosen myself.

2

Sometimes we don’t say what we feel

20130411-002229.jpg

Not because we don’t want to… But because we don’t know how to.

I asked my friend why it still hurts so bad even after so long and why I still can’t move on, no matter how hard I try. There is a throbbing pain in my chest that I can’t get rid off. It feels like someone stabbed me right in the heart and forgot to take the rusty dagger out.

She sighed and said: “What do you do when you cut your finger?

I would suck the wound, run to wash the cut with cold running water, sterilise it with medicated cream and maybe put a plaster over my finger, I told her.

She said: “What else?”

If it’s a bad cut, sometimes I would keep touching it and maybe let water accidentally seep into the wound or keep opening the plaster to check if the wound is healing, thus worsening the pain in the process.

She said: “So it will take a while for the cut to heal, right? The more you touch it, the longer it takes?”

“Yes……?” I hesitantly answered.

She said: “Isn’t it the same as what you are feeling now? You keep thinking about the past; it’s like touching your cut finger all the time. How do you expect to move on? Of course, you will take longer to be better and to heal.”

There was silence over the phone, as I pondered over it.

My friend was right… Like she always is. (She always has the weirdest but most apt analogies too, but that’s a story for another day.)

It’s been more than a year since we stopped seeing other and I can’t even remember the last time I saw you. Every time I wanted to text you, I stopped myself because I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. Then one question led to another and my indecisiveness made the choice to leave you alone.

So why am I still letting you affect me? Why do I still feel so much pain inside? Why am I so insistent that you are my one true love and that we’d be perfect for each other?

My friends keep telling me to move on and I keep telling them I am trying. But clearly, I am not succeeding. I still get panicky at times when I open my social media accounts, because I fear reading your updates and feeling down after that and letting my mind run wild.

See, how silly and rather pathetic I am. So much for the faith my friends have in me. Haha.

My friend said: “If she’s meant to be yours, if you two are really meant to be together, it doesn’t matter what happens now or what she does. You don’t have to force it or do anything special and she would come back to you. It could be months later or five years down the road and both of you would still find your way back to each other. You have to trust yourself.”

But what if the chance has passed and I didn’t grab it or I didn’t do the best I could? After all, you did return to me once after I thought it was over between us. But things were unstable and maybe the time wasn’t right or I didn’t do enough to hold on to you or nothing I did was good enough for you. I don’t know.

She said: “What you fear most will somehow come true. It’s the law of attraction. The more you think about what you don’t want to happen, the more it will. So why fear it? If I were you, I would just log on and keep looking at everything until I don’t feel anything anymore.”

My friends tell me even though I may not be able to understand it right now, one day I will realise why experiencing this pain would be a blessing in disguise in the end. And there are many things I should be thankful for.

I should be thankful that you kept telling me that you did not want to be with me and you showed your true self by constantly blowing hot and cold towards me, even though you knew I was crazily in love with you. You taught me who you really are and you do not deserve me.

I should be thankful that you haven’t contacted me since I stopped replying. Even if we continued talking, you were unlikely to magically meet my expectations or become a better person.

I am thankful that you ended our relationship so many times when I couldn’t, even though you did it in a horrible ‘escapist’ way. It was a wake-up call for me not to fall in love with someone like you in the future. I can stop lying to myself that you’re a better person because I think you are.

I am thankful that you let your former boyfriend talked you into not accepting me and that you were not completely honest with me all the time, as you kept me waiting around while you make up your mind about what you want in life. After all that begging to get you to reconsider our relationship every time we broke up, I realise now that you couldn’t meet my needs then and that we were incompatible.

I am thankful that you kept telling me “I don’t want a relationship now” or “You’re too good for me” and other similar excuses, because I realise you were right, I am too good for you. And I’m smarter now at recognising the signs of someone with issues. Next time someone tells me the same things as you did, I can run away faster.

I am going to be thankful if you ignore my latest text to you. I won’t want to be sucked back into the vicious painful cycle all over again, because you will never be the perfect person I once thought you were.

I am also going to be thankful if you have moved on. Yeah, it will hurt and it already hurts just thinking about it, but it’s an blaring alarm to warn me to speed up in moving on with my own life.

Finally, I am thankful that you didn’t value me when you had the chance to, because I appreciate my own value better now and I know that no one will ever love you as much as I did or treat you as nice in the way I did.

It really hurts, but in the end I want to be with someone who values me and the relationship enough to want to be in it and not give up every time we hit a road bump.

Well, it’s been enlightening to remind myself what I should be thankful for, because it was just so easy to lose my head and focus on what I think I would lose if I let go of you and the pain I’ve been carrying. In actual fact, I have a lot more to gain if I delete you now.

Ok, I feel soooo much better after saying how I really feel and forcing myself to think about what I should be thankful for in my life.

P/S: If anyone of you reading this are going through a tough time and nursing a broken heart like me… I wish you well and Godspeed in your healing process. Remember you are not alone and there are people who understand what you are going through.

0

I’m not sure which is worse

20130401-000628.jpg

You know, I realise it has become one of my weekly rituals to blog about how I feel about you every other Sunday and how I would tag the post as ‘secret’, because I don’t think anyone else knows or understands what my heart is seeking.

Sometimes there’s just this trepidation in my heart that I don’t know how to quell. And the panic level would keep rising and I would lose my inner peace. Just like what Po the Dragon Warrior had to go through, it’s been a long arduous journey to find my inner peace.

With that, I’d like to leave you with this quote I heard from watching season 4, episode 14 of White Collar (Shoot the Moon) which it made me tear:

Real love is fighting like hell to hold onto every moment you have with her. It’s making a life together and making it work, no matter what happens. You want a love for the ages? I think that’s great. Prove it. Make it last. — Peter Burke

3

I don’t know how

20130221-234642.jpg

If it’s true that you shouldn’t give up on someone you can’t go a full day without thinking about, then maybe we’d be the two happiest people in the world.

Because I still care. My feelings haven’t changed, despite the passing of time and all that had (or never) happened between us. Maybe it’s true that the mind might get upset and angry, but the heart will always find room for the one it truly loves.

I asked my friend, who is as wise as she is capable, a long long long time ago (most likely more than a year ago): ‘But if I stop contacting her… What if she never realises how much I miss her or how much I really love her and want to be with her?’

My friend looked me for what seemed like an eternity and finally replied: ‘Maybe one day she will read a book or see a sign and realise that the reason why you no longer call or text her is because you love her too much and have to let go now. You don’t need to ask.’

And then she smiled in that reassuring manner that she always has when consoling me.

My eyes stopped tearing from that moment. That night, my heart remained broken, but I felt that I had grown up a little and maybe one day, my heart will finally heal and you will know how I truly feel for you.

1

Whatever will be, will be

20121205-010840.jpg

I meant to post this on 1 December as the opener for one of my favourite months of the year, but I was in a rush (ahem… also felt utterly lazy) the entire day and had little-to-no access to the Internet.

Anyway, December is one of my favourite months only because in about 11 more days or so, it’d be the day when I first appeared on this planet. Plus, I get to celebrate my lunar birthday around the same time too. Awesome huh?!

It has been a long year for me so far. There have been some ups and many downs throughout 2012 that I’m quite glad the year is coming to an end, except life wasn’t how I had envisioned it to be. In fact, it took my expectations set in early 2012 and spat on them. Of course, this is just a teaser to my biannual round-up blog post on 31 December, which is happening very soon. In three weeks’ time.

At any given moment, there are a few thoughts swirling in my head and there are times when I have absolutely no idea what is the right thing to do or say. Whenever I feel lost and uncertain with my choices, I console myself by saying: ‘Whatever will be, will be.’

Because when you think about it…

‘It’s not who you want to spend Friday night with; it’s who you want to spend all-day Saturday with.

Isn’t fun to have breakfast in bed and watch TV all day and just roll around and play and laugh with each other? Sometimes doing the simplest things with someone you truly adore give you your happiest moments.

‘You wanna be happy? Find someone you like and never let them go.’

Could life be really that simple? Because…

‘Hey, I want my best friend back, because I’m in love with her.

And to live together happily ever after all.

Every ending is also a beginning; you just don’t know it at the time.

[Quotes via the movie Friends with Benefits and a random image on the Internet]

0

The third book I wrote for you

Hey, this book is for you. Surprised?

This is the third book I’ve written for you for your birthday for the third year we’ve known each other.

When I told myself I wanted to write books and start a popular series like Harry Potter, I never expect to one day create so many books just for you. The first two books were one of their kind, because no one else has them and they were written specifically for you in mind and meant only for your eyes. The books are a condensed collection of our best and happiest moments together each year. I wonder if you take them out and flip through once in a while.

This third book is the same — filled with memories of this year… Of the things that mean a lot to us…

Remember how you’d sleep over at my place and how you’d tell me you can’t sleep and you want a bedtime story? And how I’d be drowsy and half-asleep, but I would still wake up and tell you a story from my imagination?

I always envision these books would be placed by your bed, so whenever you can’t sleep, they would be your bedtime stories when I’m not sleeping beside you that night. And my dream is that I would give you a book every year as part of our tradition, so that one day you can fill a bookshelf with them.

I never took pictures of the books I made for you, but I’ve always taken immense pride in them, because I spend a lot of effort and time on making them beautiful and tailoring them to a theme for that year. Not sure if you noticed it actually… Well, at least I think they are exquisitely designed, since no one else has ever seen them and you’ve never said they look great! Hahaha!

The books are my way of saying how much I love you and how important you are to me. But it has been difficult passing the third book to you since you’ve always preferred to either reject me or cancel on me at the last minute (even though we had arranged to meet beforehand) or have plans already or be working. I don’t know why. Maybe this book is meant to stay in its bag forever. Maybe it’s ok for you that we haven’t seen each other for almost two months now. Maybe I just care too much.

Goodnight, my love. I hope you’re happy wherever you are.

0

Sunday secret

20110911-093441.jpg

So Sundays are usually the day where PostSecret posts its weekly list of homemade postcards on which people from all over the world would write and mail in their secrets anonymously.

Today is a Sunday and I too have a secret of my own.

Twenty-six days ago, 16 August 2011, I made a postcard for someone. It was meant to be a birthday surprise. I didn’t know if it would even be picked or if it qualifies as a secret for the website but I thought if it got published, it would make her day because she is a regular reader of PostSecret. Then again, she might not have known it was for her!

Anyway I went to print out a picture that had significance to us, created a tv set out of a cardboard, and wrote a cheesy message (which I shall not reveal here) at the back of the postcard to Frank.

The next morning, I was the first person outside the post office waiting for the staff to open its shutters.

When I got to the counter, I realised I had to send the mail by express courier if I want the letter to arrive by 21 August. I handed over $40 willingly, because getting the postcard to PostSecret before that Sunday had meant a lot to me.

Once the envelope was stamped and ready to be delivered, I half-ran and half-skipped out of the post office breathlessly. By the time I reached the bus stop, my heart was beating really fast, my face was flushed red and yet, I was grinning.

I was smiling the whole time I sat in the bus, so excited I was to have done something I have never done for anyone before. I even emailed to PostSecret about how I had felt – doing something that no one knew. The future was filled with unlimited possibilities.

And every day, I’d check the delivery schedule, wondering, wishing and hoping if the postcard will make it on time.

Then Sunday came around. I woke up excitedly, holding my breath as I waited for the webpage to load. I scrolled all the way down and the postcard was not among them. Unfortunately, Hurricane Irene had other plans.

20110911-100300.jpg

In the same week, many cities that laid in the path of Irene lost their power, electricity, and were in a pitch-black state. The package was delayed. No one was around to sign for it when it was delivered. When it was finally collected, it was two days past Sunday.

So I waited. Another Sunday came around. And another Sunday. Today marks the fourth Sunday. I just checked PostSecret and I think the postcard might have missed the cut. It must have been too bold, too romantic and too open a display of love to be counted as a secret. Ha! If I were you, I’d fall in love with me.

So here it is, here is my secret on Sunday, on a date where it has so much significance around the world but none more so than here.

“Tonight the sky will blaze
with stars. Today, my love,
rooms bloom with flowers.”
– Clare Shaw

0

Back for good

I have no idea why this line “Got a boxful of emotions, got a head of shattered dreams…” from Take That’s “Back for Good” song keeps popping into my head the past week.

Yes, I realise it’s “fistful”, not “boxful” when I checked the lyrics. Still, I can’t stop humming it. Bite me.

Once we were at a museum exhibition which featured Tang dynasty crockery and antiques salvaged from centuries old shipwreck. There was this particular display that had a vase that was as tall as a human being. As we stood in front of it, she turned to ask me something about the vase in an innocent manner. I forgot what she had asked but when I turned to her and was about to answer her, she burst out laughing maniacally.

“You’re such a kind person. You have this patient look and you were about to explain it patiently to me, right? Even though I asked a very stupid, very duh question, you were still going to explain it to me. You’re so kind.”

I might have blushed a little. “I really thought you didn’t know.”

“I knew the answer! I was just acting dumb/bimbo! And you cannot tell! Most people would have rolled their eyes and not be as kind as you. You really have a very kind heart.”

But I could sense she was very impressed with how I had reacted to her as we walked to the next exhibit.

Maybe I am really kind. I would have never described myself as kind until I met her. In that case, I’m also a romantic at heart. And I like planning surprises (even though they may not turn out as expected).

Two and a half months ago, I started planning for a birthday celebration that was to happen last weekend. I wrote down a list of items that I was supposed to get/buy/make and some fun activities we can indulge in and some fancy restaurants we can wine and dine at.

And every day if I had no overtime to finish up or no classes to attend after work, I’d go scour around the shops to see if I can purchase the items on my list or add new stuff. I’d research on the web for the right measurements and to see how something(s) can be made properly. I’d set aside at least one hour every night, no matter how tired I am, and devote my whole weekends to start work on the planned items.

Some gifts required more time spent because they consist of different components put together. So sometimes I’d skip lunch to travel to specialised shops to have the item customised. I was happy to have been putting so much effort because I kept thinking about the joy I’d see on her face.

I kept scrolling my list over and over again because I was afraid to miss out on getting something. Sometimes I would add new details or things on to my list whenever I thought of another possible item to get. I wanted everything to be as perfect as possible, you see.

Then two weeks closer to the big day, I increased my efforts. Item by item started going into the box. I kept visualising how her face would lit up when she open the box and that spurred me on. I slept minimally, I kept little contact with the outside world so focused I was on the project.

Then one night just a few days before the big day, the conversation happened.

I realised I needed to give myself some very much needed pride back. The whole time I was so focused on someone else that I forgot to love, care, respect and trust myself. Yes, I had forgotten how to put myself first.

For the past two months, I had cried my eyes out every night (that’s probably another reason why I had minimal sleep), I had felt my heart broke over and over again like it will never mend back and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. There was so much pain inside I became numb and distant from everything. It was a terrible time to be me.

Until that night.

I always thought the best way to love someone was giving them as much love and care as possible and to treat her as best as I can. And then when something went wrong, I always thought maybe if I had done better, tried harder, needed lesser, been more accepting, everything would still be fine and we’d be alright.

I was wrong. How much longer can I hold onto the “boiling pot” with my bare hands?

At some point, I have to let go. I have to accept that I would have never been able to make someone happy no matter how hard I try or no matter what I do if I am not what she wants.

I feel like that guy in the movie “The Notebook” where he and the love of his life were forced apart by family pressure and social differences. So he restores an old house into their dream home, believing that she would one day find her way back to him, after all they have been each other’s best friend and lover.

There was a scene where they were standing in the rain and he said to her: “You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.”

As they were crying, he told her: “I am not telling you it is going to be easy, I am telling you it’s going to be worth it.” (Ok, this may be a shorter version of what he said to her.)

Maybe that’s why being apart has hurt so much because our souls are connected. But what do I know? I am just a simple, kind-hearted person who is in love with a girl and who just wants to treat her well.

I guess no matter what happens to us in the future, the happy days we spent together were some of the best times of my life.

So yes, there is a boxful of gifts sitting in my room. And I guess… now it’s time.