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I love you but not in that way

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Have you ever experienced something this — when someone tells you that they think they love you or they think they are in love with you or they are falling in love with you or they will always love you or they really love you but just not in that way? I mean, just how many variations of “I love you” can there actually be? Should loving someone be a simple and straightforward thing?

But no, some people just have to complicate matters. I’ve encountered all of the above scenarios before with different people at different points of my life. And there was one common denominator for each of them, which was it all became equally puzzling for me whenever it happened.

Maybe I really don’t know what love is. Maybe love is still one giant mystery to me. Maybe love is really complex than what I expect it to be. Wow, I should really be a songwriter. Totally nailed it.

I never really ponder beyond this complex mystery though, because I had better things to do. Haha! Then years come and go. And this issue came to the forefront of my mind only after I happened to catch one episode of Gossip Girl few weeks ago. Ahem. It was really an accident.

I’ve stopped watching Gossip Girl ages ago. It was probably halfway through season two, I believe. It became too draggy and overly nonsensical for my liking. No matter how hot I think Chuck and Blair are, I couldn’t bring myself to watch the episodes anymore. Until that day when I let the TV play for background noise and decided to watch it.

It was episode 17 of season five, The Princess Dowry and this particular scene caught my full attention.

Chuck: Because I love you.
Blair: And I love you. I always will. But that doesn’t mean I’m in love with you. At least not right now, not the way you need me to be, not the way you deserve. I’m sorry. I have to go.

I swear I could feel Chuck’s heart breaking. It was probably less painful than getting stabbed or shot in the heart. I’ve never been shot or stabbed, but I have a feeling that these are far worst than a heartbreak (but far better than childbirth, naturally).

Someone once said something similar during a conversation with me. She said she still loves her ex, but she’s not in love with him like how she’s in love with me, if my memory serves me correctly. It has all became very vague recently. Then when we broke up, she said she will always love me, but… (There’s always a but in such circumstances. Why?!) … But she wanted a different life that I did not fit in with. Sad, huh? I remained devastated for a very, very long time.

So what does it mean if I still love someone that way and I have never stopped loving her at all this whole time? A loser? A fool? A romantic? Hahaha!

Blair: I’m here because it’s time I was honest with you. I love you. I’m in love with you. I have tried to kill it, to run away from it, but I can’t and I don’t want to anymore.

(Episode 24 of season five, “The Return of The Ring”)

Quotes were taken from chuckandblair.org

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Laughter is the best drug

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Two or three weeks ago, I happened to turn on the TV one morning and an episode from Sex And The City was already playing halfway. I immediately settled down to watch it, because I secretly adore the show, even though I won’t tell anyone about it!

It was the second episode of the first season, so everything looked retro, even though it was only 1998 then. But it was still hilarious. It was about beautiful people, aka models, and whether dating them is a privilege or a chore (more like death sentence the way how it was portrayed in the show). And how less beautiful people, aka 99% of ordinary average-looking human beings, behave differently (feel insecure?) when they are around models. Hence, the title Models and Mortals.

The ending was particularly sweet. It was a conversation between Carrie Bradshaw and her Mr Big at the usual cafe that she writes her columns at.

Carrie typing on her laptop (VoiceOver): “I began to realise that being beautiful is like having a rent-controlled apartment overlooking the park — Completely unfair and usually bestowed upon those who deserve it least.”

Mr Big [walks into the cafe and slides into the booth where Carrie is at]: “I’m not interrupting your work, am I?”

Carrie: “Hey, what a surprise.”

Mr Big: “I can’t stay. I’m late for a meeting, but I’ve been thinking about your article on men who date models.”

Carrie: “What about them?”

Mr Big: “First of all, there are so many goddamn gorgeous women in this city.”

Carrie: “What an amazing observation.”

Mr Big: “But the thing is this … after a while, you just wanna be with the one that makes you laugh. Know what I mean?”

And Carrie couldn’t stop smiling after that. I guess she knew what Big meant? I didn’t really get the reference Carrie used in the beginning of the scene about the rent-controlled apartment. Maybe it’s a New York thing.

Anyway, my takeaway from this is that laughter is good. Being with someone who makes you laugh is better. Being able to laugh at the same things with that someone is even better. Being able to laugh at each other all the time? Now that’s gold.

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Lisa Kudrow’s epic speech on sexism

If you haven’t started watching the TV drama Scandal, you are missing out. You’ve gotta watch at the very least the sixth episode of the show’s third season, because it will blow your mind, especially if you believe in gender equality. I know I do, that’s why this was so inspiring.

In this episode of Scandal, Lisa Kudrow’s character, Congresswoman Josie Marcus delivers a scathing take-down of sexism in modern politics and the semantics with which men subtly put females down to her interviewer James Novak in an interview that is broadcast live on national TV.

“I know what prejudice looks like. It’s not about experience, James. It’s about gender. [Political opponent Governor Sam] Reston’s saying I don’t have the balls to be President and he means that literally. It’s offensive. It’s offensive to me and to all the women whose votes he’s asking for.”

Wow, right? Can you feel the room heating up? And the congresswoman goes on firing her bullets.

“It’s not just Governor Reston speaking in code about gender; it’s everyone, yourself included. The only reason we’re doing this interview in my house is because you requested it. This was your idea and here you are, thanking me for inviting you into my ‘lovely home’. That’s what you say to the neighbour lady who baked you chocolate-chip cookies. This pitcher of iced tea isn’t even mine; it’s what your producers set here. Why? Same reason you called me a ‘real-life Cinderella story’. It reminds people that I’m a woman without using the word. For you, it’s an angle, I get that, and I’m sure you think it’s innocuous, but guess what, it’s not.”

Powerful. Cutting. Straight to the point. And the politician who strives to be nice 24/7 finally shows that she has the temerity to bite when threatened. Strength is not derived from your gender, but your character.

“You’re promoting stereotypes, James. You’re advancing this idea that women are weaker than men. You’re playing right into the hands of Reston and into the hands of every other imbecile who thinks a woman isn’t fit to be commander-in-chief.”

The background story for her outburst is that minutes before her interview, Marcus is shown an ad from her political opponent Reston. The ad shows a woman’s trembling hand reaching for a doorknob, as the voiceover says: “On the other side of this door sit the leaders of Syria, China, and Iran. On the other side of this door is America’s future — success and failure, life and death. Does America really want an inexperienced hand opening this door?”

The ad doesn’t say it outright, but its subtext is indicating that a woman would not be confident enough to lead a country. Anyway, later in the episode, it was revealed that the ad was fake and created by Marcus’ campaign manager Olivia Pope to motivate her. Kinda expected if you’ve been following Scandal religiously. But still, excellent scriptwriting from the team, great editing and, of course, the kick-ass performance from Kudrow (but I have to admit that I keep expecting Phoebe Buffay to appear any moment).

The whole time I was watching the scene, I was subconsciously thinking of Hilary Clinton and whether she’d have the balls to make a speech like that. And would the American public love her or crush her in return? I’m already looking forward to the US presidential election in three years’ time, when hopefully Clinton or another strong capable female would run for the presidency and win. But most importantly, she would be an inspiring leader who runs the country efficiently and effectively. Now that would be quite a story to tell our future generations, don’t you think?

Credits: Celebuzz.com, The Atlantic

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In love with Jaime Murray

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When I saw this pic, I chuckled out loud, because it’s SO TRUE. That’s what I do every single time after gazing lovingly at Jaime’s photos or watching videos of her and then I think to myself: “No wonder, I’m still single.”

This woman is so incredibly funny (just read her Twitter feed) and she looks gorgeous from almost any camera angle. And that British accent. She’s poised and she sounds intelligent. /me sighs. I was almost sad when I found out that she very likely has a long-term boyfriend. She just has a face and personality that said she’s meant to be a lesbian, you know.

Then again, I’d be equally sad if she was with a girl, but I’d get over it eventually, because she’d be an excellent advocate for all the lesbians in the world. Much like Ellen and Portia. I mean, no one actually knew that Portia was gay, right? And the next thing you know, she’s happily married to Ellen for many years now (something I blogged about months ago).

My crush on her is so deep that I keep refreshing all the social network feeds through the day just to read what she has been doing and see her latest photos. She’s the first person I want to read about and the last person I want to see before I sleep. No wonder, I’m still single. Right?!

My daily quota for Jaime is limitless. I just can’t get enough of this really hot woman. I first noticed her in Dexter and thought “Wow!” Then I saw her again in Warehouse 13 followed by The Finder and thought “Wahey!” Then I realised she’s in Spartacus: Gods of the Arena and Defiance too and I was like “Woohoo!” /me is high on beauty.

So yes, I do think she’s perfect in every way. I so want a life partner like her! That’d be my idealistic dream and lusty fantasy come true. Make it happen this year, Universe. I’m right here waiting. For Jaime-lite. Hahaha!

Here’s a few more treats for you (but mainly it’s for me). Jaime was at Dragon Con signing autographs for her Defiance fans, when her devoted nerdsbians presented her with a crown, sceptre and dragon’s blood (which is really liquid soap, I think). She was so touched that she decided to wear the crown and carry the sceptre all the time whenever possible. How super adorable of her, right?!

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True to her word, Jaime wore the crown and carried her sceptre out to dinner with her best friend Julie Benz (another hot woman) weeks later. I haven’t stopped swooning since I started writing this blog post. Sigh.

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Photo credits: The Internet and adoring fangirls of Jaime Murray

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You look lovely tonight

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Photo credit: My iPhone

I accidentally caught this episode of Desperate Housewives on TV tonight, while flipping channels to see which shows would be a great noise filler during my online browsing activity. And wow, it blew my mind. I love it when a storyline takes a completely different turn and exceeds your expectations. I love it more when a really beautiful, sexy and extremely attractive woman with a husky voice says she digs chicks and that she’s a card-carrying lesbian. SO HOT!

Honestly, the entire scene was so hot I couldn’t stop chuckling. Watch the video, fast forward to the interesting bits and you’d feel what I feel. Immense glee and euphoria.

Robin: “You can always do what I did and explore other options … Cast a wider net, expand the pool; date chicks?”

That husky voice, that cheeky tilt of the head, that glint in her eyes, that knowing smile… All conspired to take my breath away. And that scene when she took off her robe and revealed a smoking hot body in lacy lingerie? And how she spilled maple syrup on her very well-filled bra? And how she scooped the syrup up with her finger and licked it off. Oh. So. Seductively. Woah. I came in my pants. Metaphorically. Blondes do seem to have all the fun. The silly infatuated look that Katherine had when watching Robin’s every move? I had the exact same expression when watching the scene. Repeatedly.

Robin: “I dated guys for a long time and I just never really felt a connection. And then I started stripping and I was surrounded by all these confident, sexy women. And I realised: ‘Robin, sweetie, you have been barking up the wrong tree.'”

Katherine: “Yeah… I think I got the right tree. Just sick of barking.”

Hahaha! What a great beginning to a burgeoning love story between two attractive women. I’ve stopped watching Desperate Housewives for a long time now, but this new story arc is threatening to draw my attention back to it. And this second video made me laugh and cry… It felt like a summary of stages and emotions I went through in my last relationship… Except this one had a happy ending and mine didn’t.

Robin: “I know how you touched me… And I saw the way you look in your eyes when I touched you. You may deny it now, but we connected. And it counted.”

P/S: Happy birthday to you. I watched the clock pause for the longest time at 11:59pm, wondering when it would finally strike 12. After what seemed like forever, the digits finally turn to 12:00AM and I realise I had been trying to run away from it the whole day. The more I tried to forget you, the more you’d appear in my mind. If it was up to me, I would have texted or even called you to wish you “happy birthday”, but I figured you would have all your best wishes and favourite people in the world celebrating with you by now.

Just like that Louis Koo movie you once cried while watching it, I don’t think I will ever forget your birthday, even when we are no longer speaking to one another. Don’t look so puzzled. You know why. So here’s to a second year of me secretly wishing you well on my blog.

Happy birthday, you. Oh, the places you will go.

Source: Wikipedia

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You’re never alone

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I have been single for so long I have forgotten what it’s like to be with someone and the feeling of being in love. I have a feeling i have forgotten how to flirt too. No, I’m not depressed. I’m just puzzled. Is being a relationship an “end all be all” thing you must do in your life? Is your life only fulfilled by someone else?

Many of my friends and colleagues are seemingly happy with their other halves. Hell, even my former girlfriend seems to have found someone she clearly wants to be with and is extremely happy with. Maybe he fulfils everything on her checklist, has her parents’ approval and meets her criteria for an eventual “happily ever after” marriage with plenty of children. Yes, it cuts me just thinking about it or seeing any photographic evidence. It makes me wonder if she was ever in love with me and if she truly wanted to be with me. Probably not.

The devil in me obviously said: “Good riddance to that emotional immature wreck and that I should be happy that someone has finally taken her off my hands and that I’m free from her numerous taxing issues and that she has finally met someone who is at her childish level.” Woah, there are many “that” in that sentence alone. And wow, the devil in me is super vindictive.

Back to the point I’m making. I am largely numb from the pain I had felt over the past two years. After all, I feel much lighter (mentally) now that I am not tormented from the hoops she used to make me go through. Maybe I wasn’t ready for her. Maybe I wasn’t emotionally strong to handle her. Maybe i wasn’t right for her. And if a relationship was taking its toll on me and was difficult since the beginning, it should have been a cue for me to run far far away from her the first chance I got. Like what my friends Jean and Qiqi warned me from the start. My excuse to all my friends who saw me in anguish and tears during the entire relationship was that I love that girl too damn much to let go. Silly huh?

She was my muse in all my writing — every column I wrote for work and every post I wrote on this blog was dedicated to her. Even now, there are still traces of her in my memory, in my life and in the things I do. See why it had been so hard for me to let go? I had dug myself into a hole so deep I became claustrophobic and lost my way back to the entrance.

I still want my Kokology book back from her though. She said she would send it back to me, though she did add the caveat that she would do it when she’s free. A cuss word is right at the tip of my tongue now. Refrain!!! Ok, refrained. I hate it when my ex-girlfriends keep something of mine and not return them. Annoying. Especially so, when they usually take things that I like and cherish. Not to mention a piece of my heart.

‘There’s a moment in every relationship, when romance gives way to reality.’ —Carrie Bradshaw

That’s when you know a relationship isn’t working out. So, it’s ok if you are single. You don’t really need someone to “complete” you. The world does not require you to make more babies. Overpopulation is already a serious issue for governments and there are already too many children around living in poverty. Stop adding to it. The world does have limited resources to support a population of seven billion — a number that is still growing every day. Besides, being single means more time to spend with your family, your friends and even your beloved dog (or cat). Most importantly, you get to be yourself and love who you are and enjoy being you.

With this, I’d like to end my piece on being single with these surprising deep and very apt quotes from Sex And The City.

‘Later that night, I got to thinking about fate — the concept that we’re not responsible for the course of our lives, that it’s all predestined, written in the stars. Maybe that explains why, if you live in a city where you can’t see the stars, your love life tends to feel more random.

‘Even if every kiss, every heartache is pre-ordered from some cosmic catalogue, can we still take a wrong step and wander off our personal Milky Way? I couldn’t help but wonder: can you make a mistake and miss your fate?’ —Carrie Bradshaw

Maybe you were my mistake, maybe we were meant to be but I screwed it up, maybe it wasn’t the right time for us, maybe we will meet again someday, maybe we will be the best of friends, maybe we will fall in love with each other some time down the road. Or maybe, just maybe, you were meant to only pass through my life and teach me a valuable lesson about myself, while I was meant to bring joy, laughter and rainbows into your life at a point in time when you really needed to be happy again. No matter what happened between us, there will always be a fragment of you hidden in a crevice of my heart. You’re the secret I would whisper into a tree and let the wind take the memory of us to a parallel world where we would be together looking at the same stars every night.

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn’t fall in love … or be who we are.

After all, seasons change. So do cities.
People come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart.’ —Carrie Bradshaw

NB: Yes, I’m a sucker for Sex And The City! I’ve been watching the reruns almost daily at 9:30am. It’s so fascinating to see how the show had influenced all the girls in the late 90s to early 2000s. The concept of love, sex, relationships and dating has definitely shifted since then. Whether it had been a good influence is still debatable.

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Someday girl

A memorable quote from one of my favourite sitcoms Cougar Town (it’s totally hilarious and witty. Everyone should be watching it!), Stop Dragging My Heart Around (S1E10):

Andy: Did lover boy tell you he likes Jules?

Laurie: What?!

Grayson: What? No. I just said someday I could end up with a girl like her.

Laurie: Jules is your someday girl?!

Grayson: My what now?

Laurie: A someday girl is someone who someday someone else can see themselves ending up with someday. It’s super serious.

Grayson: Someday girl is a great title for a new song.

In short, a someday girl is a girl you aren’t pursuing or involved with now, but a person whom you can see yourself ending up with someday. “Someday” could be 20 years from now, or it could be tomorrow. Who knows? Anything is possible.

The entire episode is gold, with the appropriate amount of cheesiness, heartfelt moments, angst, pranks, humour, friendship, laughter and love. I’m so glad I turned on the TV last night.

Because that wasn’t the only quote that caught my ears and mind. It was what Ellie said at the closing scene that really got to me and it was all I could do to stop tearing (I really ought to stop being such a crybaby!).

Ellie: I just remind myself how scary it would be out there drifting alone. It’s weird with relationships. Two people can start off in the same place and for whatever reasons, they split off in different directions …

… I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you and I’m so happy that I am not out there having to start all over to look for what we have, because it’s hard to find and even harder to keep.

We have had so much history together and we are always going be attached in some way or another, but maybe our happy ending is us being friends. 🙂

Seriously, click “play” already.